I may just be starting to know it's not ME people are leaving.  It's just life. It happens.

Wow.

Don't misunderstand though, I am still pissed at her leaving this week.  How can I hold such opposing views? Although this morning I do feel a wee bit better.  But is it cause she's safely home now? Or because maybe under getting a better understanding of this? Or both I suppose. 

I don't like change either.  I think maybe it's just change that I can't control? Interesting. Like I'm typically ok when I go away, but not when she leaves. I go crazy. This past week was particularly hard, and I'm not sure it was just Mark's death that pushed me nearly over the edge. That certainly didn't help, but it was her leaving.  How embarrassing and shameful.

Her retiring, or moving is not her abandoning me. Hmmm.

Wonder how long I'll be able to believe this?

So I'm feeling alone because Celia's gone?  Can I really admit that to myself?

We're supposed to Facetime in about 2 hours.  I just got high and now I can't decide if I should try and write or if I should sleep it off, live in my head for a bit.

A friend/business acquaintance died today, and that has really shaken me.  I asked one of the kids to come in and work my hours today. I'm in sort of a fog. Almost  feel like I died.  Does that even make sense?

I wonder if I should tell Celia about my suicide thoughts.  Not suicidal thoughts, like I'm gonna kill myself right now, or tomorrow.  But I do contemplate it a bit.

She asked me on Monday, 'what did I need from her?' I'm not sure what she was looking for, or how  I should answer her? And really, do I really need her, or anything for that matter?  Not to get too deep, but isn't she the one to show me that Li's leaving didn't crush me?.  I survived. She pointed that out to me. Didn't she say that although I may have thought I needed Li  I truly didn't.

I wonder what would happen in someone found all my writing, journals, blog, what they would think.


After, or maybe even before we hung up I was angry.  Or maybe hurt or maybe rejected.

This is what I wanted to text you this morning:
A while ago you told me that your therapist, the one who died, practically raised you.  That is such a strong, meaningful statement and that's the kind of relationship I want with you, but I don't think I'm allowed to, which I guess I understand.  I should have that with M, not the 'practically raised by' part but a deep meaningful one. I felt yesterday that you were pushing me away, pushing me towards M.  I feel like I can't have what I think I want or need, but maybe I'm not worth it.  I've been telling myself to not text and now here I am wanting to.

How much and often can I text you?

I was able to distract myself and hold off on texting celia yesterday.  Still feeling the urge today, but Mark's death and funeral today is keeping it down. I did up my Abilify yesterday, so a little of the darkness has been lifted, but it's definitely still there.  Not looking forward to going today.  I'll be leaving shortly but I'm still actively debating it.

Still feeling down. Just stupidly looked up Celia on Facebook, just for a connection; wish I hadn't.  Normally she has her settings set to private so all I could usually see is some old pics of her.  But this time they were recent.  Pics of her and her husband away this past week.  Pics of her new house, on a lake.  Really nice place.  I don't plan on telling her this as last time she secured her page so I couldn't see anything.  Not sure what's change but it has sent me spiraling down even more.  I guess seeing her post such happy photos makes me jealous.

How will I be able to face her? Why does it make me feel so bad?  Is it just because it reminds me of how Not in her life I am? I'm not allowed to know anything about her?

Funny, I woke last night around 3am and I thought I had made it. I thought I was feeling better and not longing to see Celia.  But then something changed after I had woken back up from finally falling asleep.  Something shifted.  I was back to being sad.

I'm probably bothered by Celia's post because she's in a good place and I'm not.

It's Sunday, she flies home today but I'm still wanting to text her, and at the same time still angry with her.  They are both pretty crazy thoughts, not based in reality at all.  She doesn't hold all the cards, neither the good or the bad, does she?

I feel sort of 'ok' today.  I've been able to fend off the need to text Celia, although of course I still want to.  I want to connect with her, I want to ask her when her flight leaves, and more importantly when does she come back. We'll Facetime next week, on Monday and Wednesday and I know I'm pretty lucky to be able to.  I also wanted to ask how many clients she will be 'seeing' next week.  I want to feel special to her. But I probably won't ask her that.

We did some good work yesterday, atleast I think we did.  This morning I couldn't 'live in my head'.  Which means I was able to talk with her, but I still miss the comfort of living in my head. I'm gonna get high later which will help me escape for a bit.

I was even able to tell her about being angry with her the other day.  Not used to telling somebody that, especially when logically I don't really have a valid reason to be mad.  But maybe I'll be able to share more uncomfortable, non-logical feelings/thoughts with her.  Maybe it will help with the attachment and obsessive thoughts.  Maybe there's hope yet?

I was angry when I left today.  It felt like I didn't have enough time and she didn't have the time for me.  Although logically I know it was the normal Monday-50-minute session.  And I know I never think it's enough time when I do the 50 minute sessions.  I also wanted to leave with some answers, come clarity, some way of easing the angst. But that did not happen

I know I disassociate, and it's bothersome, but I also think alot of my crap has to do with attachment. And maybe I've pathologicalized the attachment? the dependency? feeling like I need Celia way too much?  That's what I meant when I said I can't breath.  It's more like I'm holding my breath, waiting for my next appointment.  That's what I get lost in thought about.

Spent most of the night thinking about this whole disassociating thing.  And I do disassociate some but it's really the inbetween session stuff that is affecting me now.  So much time thinking about therapy.  Missing Celia.  Sort of wishing I meant something to her.  But I say 'sort of' because I wished for that with Li and look where that got me.  Sometimes I really feel like I'm going crazy.  So crazy that I wish I could do something to make it stop.  I know that means suicide, although I'm 98% certain that I would never do that, but the thoughts are sometimes there.

I want to tell Celia that think she was wrong about the disassociating thing.  Well I guess not completely wrong but that I really thing the focus should be attachment and transference.  The longing for someone to really care about me, to be truly interested in what I'm thinking and feeling.

The dependence is difficult to get my head around. It feels so wrong. And maybe triggering?   The needy feeling sends me to a state of anxiety as well.

Wonder if any of this right now is triggered by you leaving next week?

This feeling of 'neediness' is very similar to my experience with Janice, which in fact led me to therapy, figuratively and literally.  I was obsessed with her.  It's never been in a romantic way, with any of them.  But I always wanted to know where Janice was.  I craved her attention.  But not getting enough of it, which I probably never could spiraled into a deep depression, and full on living in my head.  I would find excuses to go by her office, to talk with her.  Would take extra care in her requests and her clients, in hopes of pleasing her.  Even though I really didn't like babysitting, I jumped at the opportunity to watch her kids.  Sometimes we would go out and socialize, I hated when other people where and crave deep conversations with her.  I remember once when I had told her that I was having a hard time in therapy she offered to pick me up after a session.  I was so happy, I thought we'd get a chance to have a meaningful conversation, but instead she brought her kids and literally just picked me up and drove me home.  I was crushed.

Lots of thoughts/some dreams about Celia leaving me (ok, not really leaving me).  I'm feeling angry about it, which means I'm feeling angry about going to see her today. I can't get past the 'feeling' thing.

Therapy hangover.  It's got to be one of the worst parts about going to therapy.  The day, or two, after.
It's a feeling, just a feeling, and thoughts.  I feel the need to get high just to be able to better articulate what happens.
It's very lonely.  And scary.  I crave to reach out to Celia.  And I feel like my thoughts and feelings will continue to spiral until I touch base with her, know she's there.
Sometimes I am able to distract myself and get my head out of therapy, but not lately.  I'm not sure if it's because I don't actually want to distract myself, or it's something else.
I'm supposed to meet up with Li on Monday.  I'm nervous about that and not sure I really want to go.
So now I sit in that familiar place, to text Celia or not?  I'm hoping writing will curtail the urge and also conjure up the words to talk about it with her on Monday.
Do I just drop her a text?  I really hate bothering her, even though she has told me that I'm not.

Sent her a text.  Damn I'm crazy

When I most comfortable with myself?  When I am home alone, living in my head.  Weird?  Probably.

I hate scheduling problems.  Makes me feel like I don't matter.  And is that an old feeling?  Probably. But it still doesn't mean that it's not true, that I matter. I'm a little jealous of her clients in Tennessee. And yes, I understand that its crazy to believe that. Although I have to admit that I seem to be processing a bit different than I normally do.  I also held off on a funny comment, which would have been made to lighten the mood, at least in my head.

I'm scared to connect, really connect with C. Funny, can't even write her full name.  I think it will be too much.  I think I will be too much.

Should I text her or not this weekend.  With us not doing Monday's session, because of Labor Day, and me having a hard time with that, she suggested I text so I don't feel so disconnected and anxious.

I think I may  need to talk about 'hugging' again soon....see what I mean about being too much.

Was Li a narcissist? Or just my mother? Or am I drawn to narcissistic people? Am I a narcissist?

There must have been a time before the anger, before pushing her away, before putting up the walls?  I wonder when that was. I assume it wasn't one incident that then launched a thousand walls, but a culmination of events. Is that the reason for the longing now.

I miss the text messages between Li and I.  Not the agonizing ones, like if we're in the middle of a rupture.  But the funny ones, which were also therapeutic.

I definitely don't want to need Celia.

How can I trust Celia?  And should I trust her to the extent that I really want to?

How do you know when to fight for someone, or let them go?

As an update, I did text Celia yesterday.
Me: So my text...It's a longing, wish I understood it better, but how to get past it? A rhetorical question for now.
C: I'm hear; listening..We will keep talking it through, together.

I felt better after the text exchange, now the question rises again Do I text Celia? And I have been thinking about texting L too.  Guess it's just one of those weekends.  Maybe cause my wife and daughter have been away?  Too much alone time.

With Claire and Li I always felt best and less obsessive when I felt connected. I am scared to feel that with Celia. Maybe I don't want to feel good? Maybe I'm convinced she'll leave? Maybe I don't want her thinking I'm ok?

I wish , like I did with Claire and Li , that she would sit next to me.

Maybe it's not connection, but feeling secure?  Is that possible? I finally get what a 'secure base' means to me. Very interesting

I wish Celia sat next to me. Sometimes I imagine what that would look and feel like. Sometimes I picture us talking outside sitting on a bench.

Maternal transference, I'm assuming that's what it is, and it's time to talk about it.  But how do I tell her that she's on my mind a lot?  Wondering what she's doing, what her kids are like, stories from her life, how many brothers and/or sisters, what are/were her parents like?  I wonder how she sees me. And why, if at all, these conversations are important, what do they mean?   I need to really explore this a lot more, but how?

Intuition

How do I learn to listen to it?  To even recognize it?

Was it truly intuition?  My constant fear that Li would leave.  And even though she promised in all kids of ways, I never believed her.  I was always questioning 'when would the other shoe drop'.
Now, is that old crap?  attachment-related stuff?  Or is/was it my intuition?

Does she get me? A question only I can answer.
.
Yes, she gets me.  It's a strange feeling.  Wonder if it's true.

And Li, what I need from her is honestly. Wonder if I get it, if I can get it.

I met with Li.  It's been 10 months since we last saw each other.  It was good, not great, but mostly anticlimactic.  I wanted more.  I wanted a much deeper conversation, but that didn't happen.  It felt like she didn't really want to go there, although she certainly took ownership of what has transpired with us since she left, but we spent most of the time simply catching up on each others lives.

Halfway thru the conversation I realized that I needed to bring up how things ended.  I finally swayed the conversation over that way and told her that it's been hard since she left.  I missed her, but the way she handled it seemed careless ('careless' is how C has described it, and it fits ).  All Li had to say was 'she hears that'.  She didn't offer up excuses, which I was so afraid she would, but other than referencing 'financial problems' she didn't expound on it at all.  I needed much more.  Maybe I needed her to be more of a 'therapist' and help me explore that a lot more.  And maybe that's unfair cause she's not my therapist anymore.

I did try bringing the conversation back around one more time but she didn't bite.

We sent up another time to meet at the end of next month.  I'm hoping that I'll be able to more direct with her about how the ending is/was confusing to me, and hopefully I'll be more clear on what I would like to hear from her.  And maybe we can discuss what our 'relationship', if any, may look like going forward.


I've been missing C today.  I'm not sure why though.  I see her now on Monday and Wednesdays, which I think has helped me be less anxious, but today is Friday and Monday seems like a long time away.  Maybe part of it is that I'll be away on Monday so our session will be via Skype.  I'm getting used to the Skyping, but it does lack something too, or atleast in my head it does.

She texted me back.  Three days later....and of course there's more.

 L text: I have been hiking in #$%#@ and doing research. hope this gets to you will be back in a city by Monday.  No excuse for not being in touch.  I am very proud of the life that you've made for yourself and family.  We sorted out a lot of things together.  I've probably taken on more than I'm capable of doing and always feel like I'm trying to catch up.  L.

Been playing it over it my head since,  Being discussing it alot with Celia too.  Even as I just reread her text (for the first time) I feel I'm softening up a bit about it.

And is she therapist or friend?  Seems like there needs to another option.

There's a lot more that I want to write and share, but a nap calls.

So I emailed Li.  It was only a couple of hours ago and I don't think I regret it, at least not yet.

It's been almost a year, can't believe it.  It sort of feels like you never existed, or maybe that's a defense mechanism.  I miss you, but you certainly have continued to hurt me.  Why would you tell me that we'd still have a relationship, why would you continuously reply to my occasional requests for contact in a supportive manner but never follow thru?  I just don't understand.  I still miss your hugs, but at the same time question there authenticity.  We did a lot of good work yet it left me with additional crap too.  Have been hoping to talk about this with you in person but trying to figure out a way to accept that this may never happen.

No response yet.  Could have so much more.  Was it ok to send?  Wish I could have really, really expressed my hurt and anger, but I guess that would have been wrong.

I wish I remembered more.

Does everyone have a dirty little secret or two?

If your wondering, then the answer is Yes.

I'm thinking I was probably 'funny'.  That was my thing?

Wonder what the top 10 secrets people keep are?

Sister K and I used to play together as kids.  I remember.  Lots of playing 'school'. And I was 'musically' close to my brother J.  He introduced me the music of the 30's, 40's, 50's...etc.  From Etta James to Chrissie Hynde.  And we even worked together, side by side for a few years.  Pretty intense years if I remember correctly.  Lots of drug use so not everything is clear.  Even after that. When I was with L.  But when I left L, J and I drifted apart.  Lots of anger on my part. Lots. He experienced J with me too.  The acts, and the feelings that I accuse him of, are they real?  Accurate?

I don't really remember my other 4 brothers and sisters.  And not much of my parents.  Other relatives, other than my cousin C, my aunt AR, and a little of my grandmas.

Then there's the friendship I had with L.  We grew up together.  From age twelve to twenty. I have never had a closer friend, than with L. And then lose touch for 30 years. And then how could she have turned out the way she did.

Is this what I'm supposed to be doing in therapy?  Telling Celia my most important relationships and how they have affected me?  Hmmm

If I'm wondering, then I hope the answer is Yes.

I of course know better, but I keep hoping she would check in with me.  Didn't feel great leaving the therapy bubble yesterday.  Of course she won't, but a girl can hope, right?
Really wanted to talk about a hug, but there was only 10 minutes left and it wouldn't have been fair.

But not just 'fairness' but 'fearness' kept me away from it to.  I wanted to leave with a hug but I'm 99% sure that she wouldn't have given me one.  I'm also 99.9% sure it would have felt uncomfortable even if we did.

It's possible that she reads this.  She has the site address.  Do I want her to read it?  Maybe.  Although it would probably be as uncomfortable knowing she read it as it would be getting that hug.

I didn't leave feeling great, or connected, and now we're both off on vacation.  And although we'll Skype for a short session next week I won't see her for a week and a half. The intensity will probably wear off by then.

I teeter between sending her a text message, not to discuss it but to blurt some crap out to get it out of my head, knowing we can discuss it on our Skype on Tuesday.  Hmmmm, maybe Skype would be safer, although a bit awkward, but then there would be no chance for an awkward hug.

Should I send Li a text?  I suppose it would be a somewhat angry/hurt one.  Is that appropriate?  My wife said she would send Li one if I wanted to.  M wants to understand why Li hasn't reach out to me since she left, even though she has promised to multiple times, in writing (texts).  Why would she lie to me?  Maybe good intentions, but careless as Celia has said.
Would I like to meet her in person to discuss?  I think so, but would I be strong enough? Should I wait? and if so then should I wait on the text?

I just want to sit and stare. Take it all in. What are my takeaways? Are these thing she talks about even possible? And does she really mean it when she says she has my back? Is it contrived? Just doing my job ma'am.  How do I actually ask her for what I want? These things are embarrassing. How can you aak someone to care about you? for you?

How can I be sure that I won't break her? That my needs and wants are gonna be too much?
I wanna know that you think of me when I'm not here.

The feeling, or maybe the potential feeling that she cares is intoxicating.
Li is not completely gone, although some things have lessened
Why did she string me along?  Feel like texting her that.  Should I? She'll probably have a really good explanation and then I'll feel bad.

Randomness....is that a word?

It was a good session, not too many silences.  I talked but I guess I didn't go deep enough, didn't connect on the level that makes me feel 'full'.  I can hear her in my head 'say more'. The thing is I'm not sure how to accurately describe this feeling.  Maybe it's like the difference between an appetizer...that you split with 8 people (hmm, or maybe 7 kids) and a really good satisfying meal? Maybe it's me being able to reveal more of myself? Maybe it's being able to calm my mind and share the quiet things?
How do I slow down my mind?  It's like it almost goes black and I can only recollect more superficial stuff, just filler.
This is one of the reasons I reached out to her last week and asked for more time.  The not-connecting leaves me floating, and anxious, alone in my head.


Maybe I should tell her about my reading therapy-related blogs/forums.  Although I have talked to her a bit about some of the therapy-related books I've read.

Got high. Again

This
https://lifeinabind.com/2015/04/18/being-excluded-from-your-therapists-life-youve-read-the-reasons-this-is-how-it-feels/

How hard it is/was deciding, or not deciding to send celia the link above.  Or the thought of sharing/or not, my journal with her. Some sort of anger associated with not sharing.




Was I excluded from my mothers life?

What I think about or write about when I'm alone.

Melinda and I.


So just the trying to figure out whether or not to send Celia that link was anxiety provoking.  But when I finally did my usual 'just rip the band-aid off' approach, then it was the waiting for her response that started me spinning.  Usually when I find the guts to send something I find relief, just getting it out there and off my mind.  And this time it did help as well, but Celia usually responds pretty quickly, within an hour or two, and that didn't happen.  And the longer the day went on without a response the further I slid into anxiety and crazy beliefs.  'I'm bothering her.  She doesn't have time to read such a long blog. Out of sight, out of mind (for both of us). What was I thinking, she's not gonna read this, maybe during our session but not during her own time.'
Maybe the wait was so bothersome because I left on Wednesday without feeling a deep connection, and now I wouldn't get the opportunity for another week.  And what is that about?  How pathetic to have such a need, and one that's hard to understand and even harder to explain.
We took Sam to a movie as a treat before she leaves for a week.  I don't even remember it.  I was so consumed with thought.  I kept checking my phone over and over, but nothing.  My logical mind trying to soothing my spiraling emotions.  'There are lots of reasons she has not responded, it doesn't mean anything other than she will when she can.' Unfortunately nothing really helped.  Crazy.
I finally turned the sound off on my phone.  The incessant waiting to hear the 'ding' of the text notification was driving me crazy.  I knew I would sleep with one eye open, just listening, if I didn't turn it off.  She did respond a little after midnight, I didn't notice the vibration of the phone.  But I did wake up every hour with worry.  'Maybe I crossed some line.  Maybe something happened to her.  Maybe she was perturbed that I send such a long blog to read.  Maybe after reading the blog she really did think I was crazy, and maybe even dangerous in a psychotic kind of way.'
We finally exchanged some texts this morning. I was hoping, although I didn't ask, she would offer a skype session for Monday.  She didn't.  Logically I know she's busy and it probably isn't a reflection of her want or willingness to skype with me, but it was still a let down. She asked me to write down what I was feeling and then send it to her.  Not sure yet.
Do I try to put some distance between us, between me and my thoughts, between Celia and myself?  Maybe as the weekend goes on the craving will lessen?

Why can't I send it to her?  I want to,  I want to keep the line of connection open, but I just can't seem to do it

We've sort of decided that I will start seeing Celia twice a week.  I truly like that idea although I'm certainly afraid of becoming too attached, too needy.

We talked a bit about me reading her my blog, and/or her reading my blog. I think I would like to let her.  I think I'm afraid that I would be ashamed by her knowing me more.  Maybe the writings aren't even that impressive, maybe she'll find them sophomoric, rambly, not of any value.

About 2 hours after I left I started to become anxious.  I think maybe it had to do with either because I only had a 50 minute session or I was only gonna have a 50 minute when I go on Wednesday. However in reality Celia said I could decide on Wednesday whether I wanted a 50 minute or my usual 90 minute session,  So why the anxiety?  I tried to tell myself that my anxiety was not grounded in reality.  But maybe it was/is the uncertainty?

I didn't walk a way with a regret.  I texted her for an extra session and she had time today.  I talked.  It went well.  She's good. and I'm good.

She asked me how did it feel coming back to therapy.  She'd only been gone for 2 weeks, so 3 weeks before we would meet again...but who's counting?  I said I have to take the rentry slow.  It's like I gotta get used to the atmosphere and the air again.

I had forgotten about what happened with her and the schedule, or the schedule-that-never-was.  I forget what Celia had asked me today, but something triggered a reminder of one of the things that was gnawing at me while she was gone.

A week into her far away vacation we were schedule to Skype for a 50 minute session.  We did, and it was fine.  Towards the end of Skyping she asked if I wanted to see her for a session 2 days earlier than my 'normal' day, when she gets back.  I said I wasn't 100% sure but I was mostly sure I could. She said she didn't have her book with her but when she did she would confirm the actual time and send me a text message.

Well I waited, and waited, and waited some more.  No text. Then I started to think that I had misunderstood her.  But I didn't want to be the one to check, like I used to/do with Li.  I wanted her to remember me. The new day/time came closer and still no text. I got more and more agitated and distracted and preoccupied with it.  Finally Monday at 1 had arrived...and then passed by.

She had forgotten me.  But it didn't kill me.  Nope, instead after a bit of being pissed off, and a bit moody for a while, I moved on.  It hurt, but it didn't crush me.  I'm always fearful of that, of being crushed by what I feel and think.


Boy I wish I could say this stuff in person, it's a pain to type this all up.  But it doesn't come to me when I 'm in her office. Maybe if I picked just one thing to tell her, and tried to relax , maybe I could tell her.  Maybe I could tell her what I wrote up there.  It would be quicker than me typing out, atleast in theory.

She didn't tell me.  Or rather, she forgot to tell me.  She's going away.  For 2 weeks.  To South Africa.

It definitely bothered me, but not as bad as I would have thought it would.  Maybe it was the look on her face when she realized it. Nearly horrified at herself, and really concerned for me.  She apologized profusely.

I needed to let it sink in before I could really discuss it with her.  However I've been in a sort of low place lately.  Not fully participating in things, just watching from the perimeter.  I've had to force myself to do things, trying to get myself out of this mood but it's hard.  So I was very quiet  after her telling me about her vacation.

There was a lot of push-pull at this session.  Much more palpable than usual.  I think a couple times I may have intended to leave, luckily I thought staying was a much better option, and so I did, with her quiet encouragement.

In the end I talked, not at great lengths, but I think enough to feel better.



I miss Li.  But I think in reality I miss what I thought we had. I wonder why she played me.  Or like I told Celia I wonder if it was 'professional manipulation'.  She told me what she thought I should hear to get better, to form a close relationship with her.  But it was fake, she never really meant it.

So why do I get myself into such a tangled mess.  In reality the service that you offer is to be a blank slate and I'm wanting you to be something more, or to give more of who you are.  But that's not what you're offering and not fair or reasonable of me to expect more.

Maybe I can't do therapy in a healthy way, in a way that's beneficial for me.  I get to engrossed.

I'm glad it's Wednesday and I see Celia today.  Although I do hate this living from session-to-session. It's nothing new of course, it happened with Claire and with Li, it's just so frustrating, and crazy-making.  I mean who pays someone to frustrate them?  She texted me on Monday to tell me she was coming into the shop.  Of course I like getting a text from her, but I don't think it's necessary.

I'm finally acknowledging, to myself, that I've been very anxious at the shop lately.  Yesterday I noticed before I even got there I was getting worked up.  I think it's mostly when I know I'm gonna be alone for a while.  Luckily the busy season is really kicking in and I can have staff come in a lot earlier than before and that eases things internally.  

It seems like for me that going to therapy is all about the relationship.  I've read about the importance of the relationship and I totally get that and agree but it feels like I get the most 'fed' when we talk about how I feel about 'us' and how she feels.  And I'm a little embarrassed and concerned about that.

I logically know it's a paid relationship but it's one thing to pay for their input, experience....etc and it's another to actually pay for the intimacy.

I texted Celia yesterday cause I didn't get enough on Wednesday with her.  It helped, sort of.  It's good to know that she's there and will answer.

For the record, not 'hunching over' and having more eye contact does not, or did not mean more internalizing. Even though it was a 'nice' session i certainly didn't, and don't feel that sense of being 'fed', that feeling like I really connected to her.   In fact I feel pretty alone and sad.

We talked about me coming in and just 'simply' saying whats on my mind.  No filter, no pause, no judgement, no 'prettying it up'.  I can't imagine that.

I'm fairly certain she should be ok with me texting her but I'm trying to hold back on that.  Hoping that I can distract myself enough where I don't need to contact her.

I feel better after seeing Celia yesterday, even though it was only a 50 minute session.  I told her about being very anxious last week and it was driven by fear/or looking forward to seeing her in town, at my shop.  She quickly understood and even felt bad for not realizing this and talking it through before.

Been feeling/thinking that maybe I can never resolve my attachment issues.  I'm just going round and round.  Different person, same ending.

Still feeling pretty down, maybe it's just a funk? Low energy, not wanting to exercise, not wanting to talk much to people.  Withdrawn from my wife, even struggle a bit talking with my daughter.  I keep hoping it passes.

Celia has said a few times, including last session that Li loved me.  I wonder what Celia thinks about that.  Maybe I'll ask her on Monday.  I keep looking for maternal love.  Was so sure, or at least wanted to be sure that I found it with Li.  She was so different, or at least the experience was so different for me.  She was warm, and open, and accepting.  She really would  involved in my life.  I wonder if Celia thinks Li was too much.  I know she didn't like that Li wasn't consistent, and would certainly bend the therapeutic-framework rules.

I wonder what Celia thinks of me, how she feels about me. She did tell me that I was her first concern when she found out she had to have a colectomy. She thought of me her husband, her kids, friends...etc.

I feel like that maybe Celia started out at a professional arms-length from me, but then sometimes that changes a bit.

Is 'love' in therapy possible?  Healthy?  Sustainable? Necessary? Overrated?

Fuck...

I hate being on this path again.  So far it has yet to end well.  Maybe I need a backup plan? Interesting. I've never thought of thought.  Yet in my work life, at least when I worked in IT and/or project management I always had a Plan B.

I do wish I could see her today, our normal Wednesday appointment.  But I am happy to know that she'll be home later today. There is some comfort in knowing she'll be back in the area again.  Heck, I may even see her at the shop.

How do I know if she's the right one?  How do I know I can trust her? She pretty much says all the right things.  She seems to 'get' the intensity of my attachment-like issues.  She appears to take them extremely seriously and she appears to take our work together seriously too, especially her role in it.

But I think some of my concern is that she's not Li. Li, to me, exuded warmth, and very touchy feely, she hugged.  Not that Celia is cold, not at all, but she's made it  very clear that she's not a hugger. Funny I would never classify myself as a hugger, but I liked/loved when Li would hug me.

Do you know what is consistently the hardest part about going to counseling/therapy. The hardest is not the coming, its the leaving. It's the in between from week to week.
When Claire was pregnant and gone for a few months, when she called and I jumped at the chance to go back and see her, she never asked how it was for me. How did I survive those three months? And I never told her.
I didn't have words for it with Claire.  I didn't even know I was supposed to have words. Most things I figure I shouldn't have words for.

Really, really want to contact Li. Trying hard to fight it. Celia is away and I won't see her til Friday. I'm sure she'd be ok with me texting her something simple but I'm fighting that too. Just sort of crying my eyes out now, I hurts so much.

In between sessions is hard, feels like a longing.  with L, texting helped, but I'm assuming that may not be the best long term solution.
Not asking for it, but wishing I could come twice a week
It's hard talking with you, telling you embarrassing things, partly because you don't have the same emotional investment.  Maybe that's more about 'mattering' to you.  I always struggled with that with L and I guess I was right.  Don't want to be right again.

It's like you don't exist, or your gone. It used to happen a lot/all the time with Li. I would often text her just to ask if she was there. It helped to ask, to get it out of my head, and it also helped to here back that yes, she was there. Except now she isn't , and not sure if she ever really was. It sucks.

She once told me that one of her responsibilities was to not replicate what Claire did to me. But she did. Now Celia says she hopes that she's around to see me heal, to see me grow and 'take care of myself'. Those are all my words but that's the meaning I got from them.

I've been feeling/missing Li for the past couple of days. It's a little strange to sense her presence but know she's not there.

Feeling very angry at Li.  She fucking lied to me hasn't even attempted to see me or talk with me in over 3 months.  Why did she lead me on?  Now, and the whole time I saw her.

Still struggle to keep a connection.

Need to talk more about hugs. What they mean I guess. I miss my hugs with Li. Makes me sad.

Feel like I can't waste my time with you, no small talk, no inconsequential conversations. Never know when my time is up with you. Plus I don't think that's your m.o. anyway. Guess that will keep me on track

I wonder how I'll do/feel about skyping Celia over the next couple of weeks. I did ok when we did it last time, but I think I was in a different place with her then. I suppose I should talk about it with her but I'm feeling a little sick about being in this place again. Desperate, dependent , needy. I wonder if I was just deceiving myself, obviously I was , I just wonder was I really aware of it or is it just part of my process? Makes me feel sad.
Maybe I feel crappy because she's leaving. Li used to tell me where she's going but I'm assuming Celia won't . I probably won't even ask, fear of being rejected I guess . Although part of me knows that she'll really want me to talk about it and not just 'resolve' the question of where.
I feel angry too that she's leaving

Appreciative.  That's the closest without saying love.  I'm appreciative for our session today, and that, as good as it feels, is also a bit scary.  Is it appropriate? Too feel so much.  I'm a little scared.  Which I guess makes sense.  Don't want to feel so much good towards her.
But I do.

I sort of feel safe with her.  Hopefully that's not misplaced.

I drove by Li's office today, we were going to visit Jess who lives less than a mile away for her office.  I thought I'd be freaked out, but I wasn't, I think.  I'm not sure if it's because I'm doing better, or atleast better than I ever imagined.  Or was it because it's still not real to me?  I haven't really played the 'this is the last time I'll ever go to her office...this is the last time we'll ever meet..this is the last time she'll be my therapist...this is the last time I'll ever sit on this couch, this place that I've shared so much...'  Makes me sad to write that now.  A little surreally, like either the relationship never happended or the breakup never happened.

Fighting the strong urge to text Li. Feeling very angry at her right now., and still miss her tremendously. No wonder I'm feeling crazy, such crazy ends of the spectrum. Was reading some of  our texts, probably not helpful.

It took about 45 minutes of silence before I was able to start talking.  She asked at one point was the silence due to her going away for two weeks.  I told her it was, mixed in with a bunch of other things. I was finally able to tell her that the thought of she's both Li and not Li, which is both good and bad, which is crazy and makes sense.

I wish I had told her that I hoped she had a good trip and that I would miss meeting with her face-to-face.

I still have lots of love for Li, wish I didn't. I think I would prefer to be angry with her, then maybe I wouldn't miss her and yearn to meet up with her again. I do wonder what I would do or say if she asked to meet up. I know I would love go but I'm afraid that I would sink back into the needy depression-like state.


I also miss knowing/thinking/feeling that Celia is around. I know I unfairly put a lot of shit on her and I feel bad about that.

I think I know where Celia is, atleast maybe during her second week gone.  She told me her first week was in Colorado. So weird that I am being jealous about my therapist again.  It happened with Claire, most thinking she has the most amazing and loving family.  With Li it was being jealous of all her friends, especially what I perceive to be her close girl friends.  And now Celia, with a movie being done about an aspect of her husbands professional life.  Why did I snoop/google? I was really trying not to ask, cause I used to ask with Li and she would tell me.  So I was wondering if it was better that I didn't know. Maybe it will be better if I bring it up to Celia.  I sort of tried with Li but I could never get past hinting/texting that I was jealous, never got to a full blown conversation.

Will Celia be able to go the distance? Be around long enough? Be able to withstand my neediness and dependency? I can be draining

Things to ask/talk about:
  How do I know I can trust you?
  How do I just free associate?  say what's on my mind?
  Stop mixing up or combining or is it confusing you and Li
  What I said about me using Li as a scapegoat, felt a little thoughtless as I know you're a scapegoat too, but in a different way

Still thinking about Li alot.  Lots of anger still, and lots and lots of hurt.  I may be going to Amestown this weekend, very tempted to go I truly believe that Li still has an office in Amestown
Also been wondering about asking Celia where she is this week and where she'll be next week, but then she's gonna ask me why.

Can I know things about you? I felt very close to Li, like she was sort of an open book.  Although I know there's was much I didn't know, how is it suppose to work?  How is it gonna work with you?

Maybe talk about jealousy?

I still haven't freaked over the whole 'I'm not gonna hug you' thing.  Although I do feel myself maybe pulling back a bit.  I haven't felt the urge to text either, and I'm not sure if that's because I may be pulling back a little, or it's just organic.

Spent some time this morning thinking about Li.  Feels very sad to look at her pictures in Facebook and remember back where we/I was then.  I keep hoping she'll have a deep conversation with me and tell me her thoughts on leaving.  Wonder if I'd even believe them?

Not sure if my tiredness this week is caused by physical issues or emotional. This whole,peri-menopause crap has been weird all week,. But then still bothered, I guess, by her leaving. Makes me continue questioning therapy for me and/or this particular relationship. Lots of ups and downs for sure. But is it because of this so called grief about Li, or the distance Celia keeps. She can't be Li and I guess that's good and bad, yet she is and isn't Li. Feels like tomorrow's appointment will be sad.

I'm pretty sure she didn't mean to say it, and almost sure she didn't mean for it to come out the way it did. It certainly caught me off guard, to say the least, and boy did it hurt. 'No we will never have a session in a restaurant, no we will never be friends, and no I will never hug you'. It was that last one, she will never hug me. It was like she slammed the door in my face.

We spent most of the session talking about her leaving, I mean going away for 2 weeks. It has stirred up a lot of very familiar thoughts and feelings for me. The conversation would take off into different areas of what all this was doing to me. I told her I felt Li's presence this week. Much like the feeling I get when I feel my dad's presence, and he died 7 years ago. It's like a sense of them. It occurs for different reasons with my dad. It always happens when I scoop someone maple walnut ice cream. It has a very strong and distinct smell, and it was my dad's favorite. I told Celia I didn't know what was triggering my 'sense' of Li this week and she said maybe it's her going away that is 'stirring up crap'. That makes sense.

We talked more about what it feels like for me 'week to week'.  And in telling her of the longing, and the ache, I told her that when Li would go away most or many of my texts to her were simply 'Are you still there', and she would respond 'yes'.  So that got Celia and I to talking about texts.  I told her I don't want to, I don't want to need it, although it has crossed my mind.  She said as long as we continue to discuss it and not just simply have a text happen without a potentially deeper conversation, in person, about it, then she thinks it would be helpful.

So this texting conversation, and me talking about my concerns/worries/fears around it lead to her statement 'No, we will never have a session in a restaurant....'.  It stopped me dead.  Other than the conversation we had last week about hugs, in which I never asked her for a hug, we just discussed what hugging with Li meant to me.  But I didn't mention it all yesterday.  And when we were discussing it last week, never did she say that she didn't do hugs.

I shut down.  The air in the room changed.  Wow.  The conversation had been going pretty well.  It's always hard for me to start but once I did I was able to say stuff. Things that had been running thru my head all week.  She obviously knew something happened.

It took me a bit.  I was crawling into my self.  The internal struggle, to talk vs not to talk was in high gear.  It was also close to the end of my session.  How was I gonna feel the rest of the week if I left without saying anything?  I finally worked up the courage to tell her.  Her hug-related comment thru me.  I wasn't prepared for it, but there it was.  Rejection.

After that I'm not totally sure I could write verbatim what she said.  It was like I was still in a fog and my ears were blocked.  I do know she said she was sorry, a couple of times.  And I know she didn't say one of these fake sorry's , like 'I'm sorry you feel that way....'. It was an honest to goodness 'I take ownership for that blunder'.

She did tell me why she doesn't do hugs, and I sort of her reasoning.  Although she also said she would offer a hug at termination, and if I experienced a death.  Which the more I had it run through my head last night the more I question her logic, but that's a whole other discussion.

That's enough for now, but strangely I feel ok right now.  I didn't lose too much sleep about it last night, nor did I dream or have a nightmare about it.  Maybe progress?  Maybe just the spring like day today, which always makes an ice cream shoppe owner feel good.

So when someone has attachment and/or abandonment issues what do they need to do?  What should the therapist be doing? Not doing?
Should I be 'attached' to you?  What should 'feeling/doing better' look like?  Will I always have this maternal need and will it always play out in me trying to attach to others?  Or is that 'feeling' better looks like?
How does it play out with you?The hug
Some days I think my attachment defines me, or takes over my head, my thoughts.  Right now it's L, but I'm sure it won't be long til you take L's place.
Did knowing more about L and her life make my attachment even deeper?

I think she said that nearly 90% of the people that come into therapy are looking for love and connection.  Crap, I hope that is ok.  She said it was.  Oddly I think I feel safer with her than I did with L. And by safer I think I mean that I feel like she will follow through on what she says.  L may or may not have meant things she said but quite often she didn't honor what she said.

C said she wants/hopes to be the one that sees me thru all this.  She said that in her 30 years of working as a therapist she has never met anyone who was so hurt badly by 2 different therapists. Abandoned by 2 different people. She wants to be the person that stops this cycle for me.

I definitely still miss L, but it's also a very uneasy type of feeling.  Like I know I shouldn't.

I also miss C in between sessions, and will start 'getting' thru the next couple of days until I see her on Wednesday.

I wish I could talk to her about hugs.  Although I'm not sure I want them, yet.  And I'm also scared of the rejection.  What if it's a boundary of hers?  Or what if it's just my L feelings and wants transferred to C? How do know what's real?

Why do keep holding on to the belief that we could be friends? Maybe she would be a better friend than a therapist, I tell myself.  Although I know we did a lot of good work together it's fairly/mostly clear to me that she also made some mistakes.  And the mistakes seem kind of basic, but detrimental at the same time.

I take my share of responsibility cause I wanted it.  I wanted to be able to text her all the time.  I wanted to know more about her life.  I wanted to be friends on FB.  I wanted to depend on her, to need her, to be comforted by her.  I'm sure I initiated hugs and I know for sure that I was the first one to say 'I love you'. I felt special when we would meet at places other than her office.

But do I really have to let it, let her go?  Is our relationship, and whatever that means, too much for me? I don't mean that it's toxic, but certainly my reactions to it are.

Why can't I let go? Say goodbye?  The thought makes me so sad.

Is that the only way?  Can I get one more conversation with her?  Of course I know she would meet, but should I, and what should my intent be, and what happens if I get wrapped up in her again?  Is this just my process, to keep revisiting it over and over again? I'm embarrassed and ashamed to keep talking about it with C.  Once again there are starving children in the world and I have a pretty good life so is that what I should be doing?  Improving on my life, on my relationships, making my marriage better? Will that take away the yearnings?

And what about C and my 'therapeutic relationship'? Do I focus some energy keeping that at bay? So far I think it's been fairly balanced in my head.  A few things regarding our work has come up and I've talked to her about it. With C it does feel different, and of course a bit the same.  But so far I haven't found myself being pulled under in the riptide of feelings towards her. There are some things, like the 'waiting for Wednesday' thoughts.  Not as intrusive as I felt with L, or my other intense exT-C, but they are there, and sometimes I wish I could text C for some relief but I think that may not be in my best interest, and I'm afraid to have that conversation with her.  Afraid I will hear 'rejection'.

But the one thing that is somewhat strong is the want to hug her as I walk out the door.  I'm sure a lot of it has to do with that being my ritual with L.  It still feels very real, and I do feel connected to C, but it seems to soon, like I normally wouldn't feel that pull.  So once again, transference, or not??

So, guess who was up in my area yesterday?  Yup, L and her boyfriend.  Did I actually see them?  No.  But Facebook did!  I already know that I should unfriend her, or I think I should, or I think I know.  I have turned off her automatic feeds to me but I can still look on her page, which is what I did.

Pangs.  Pangs of sadness, of hurt, of anger, of jealousy.  Pangs of confusion too.  In a recent text L told me that she'd be up in my area within the next couple of weeks (which is a two hour drive each way) and that she would stop in for some ice cream, but she didn't.

My rational side has already brought up various scenarios which would wholeheartedly explain/support why I didn't hear from her.  And of course they range from things that  have nothing to do with me at all, to she outright didn't/doesn't want to see me, she's just stringing me along.  Or maybe a little lighter with she means well but doesn't follow through.  Or maybe she wanted to spend 'quality/alone' time with me and couldn't on what her boyfriend referred to as a quick trip up north.

And of course my emotional side has taken quite a hold of me as well.  Both wanting her and hating her.  She looked good in the photos.  Happy. Healthy.

I had been thinking these past few days that maybe we could still have a relationship.  Not a therapy one, but something else.  Not sure if I'm being reasonable with that.  Not sure if it's good for me.  Yet maybe we could work through a good balance.  But maybe not too.  Like an abusive relationship that I keep going back to. Too harsh?

Good, helpful, lots  of realizations to process.

I think C is right that L treats me, and has treated more as more of a friend than a therapist.  I sort of knew that, but loved/love feeling special to her.  And it doesn't necessarily take away all the good work L and I did, cause I know we did, but it didn't help me so much with the maternal transference crap.

It's a fine line that a therapist has to walk.  C says that most therapists, the good ones, do love their clients.  And she says that L did/does love me.  Of course I am still questioning L's love for me, but maybe that's just the hurt feelings.  Anyway, C says that L's love for me crossed the therapeutic line, the framework.  And that is probably one of the many reasons why I'm having a hard time right now.
No doubt that I lacked maternal care/unconditional love/support growing up, and I have always looked for it.  And C thinks L came close to fulfilling those needs.  But instead of letting me explore what those feelings meant to me and where they came from I think she wanted to soothe me more.

I think one of L's goals for me was to 'normalize' feelings and thoughts for me.  So I think that was part of the reason our relationship morphed into what it was.  She would support me then would introduce her thoughts/feelings and life and experiences into our conversations.  Of course it feed into my want of being special.  She shared many things with me.  She even said that outside of her kids, I was the only other person, at the time, with whom she told of her heart attack last year.  I'm sure she has shared it with others by now, but I was touched, and confused a bit by that revelation.

Another interesting point, correlation was how, as a kid, my mother would always/often put her needs above mine.  And of course as a somewhat rational adult I tell myself that she raised 7 kids and I'm sure she was often overwhelmed.  I was number 6 of 7 so I don't think she had much left to give when it got to me.  And that may all be true, but it still sucked for me. So now, with L instead of examining my thoughts and feelings regarding the termination of our therapy I put on my adult/rational hat (oh she had a heart attack, she's having tons of financial problems, it will be hard for her to change jobs...etc) and we never get to my deep thoughts and triggers of loss.

More to process...stay tuned!

I worry a bit that writing is a bit too self indulgent.  Is it allowing me to wash myself in these thoughts.  These crazy ass thoughts.

How does one 'cure' maternal transference?  I have been on this path since I was a child.  I'm sure I could put together a lineup of all the mother-crushes I've had,all the ones I struggled with, all the ones where the yearnings were too great.

L responded the next day to my text:

L: Miss you hoping to be up in your area in the next couple of weeks.  Will stop by for ice cream.

I suppose that is sort of what I wanted to hear.  But I want her to want more than just 'swing by'.  I want a full blown conversation.  I want some time with her.  I want to tell her what's but going on in my head, in my life too.  I want to know how she is, how her new home is, how her new job is, how her kids are doing.  I don't want a fifteen minute conversation that can only stay at a surface level because there might be customers in the shop.  I want her to want that conversation too.

The year we first opened the ice cream shop she, and her then-boyfriend, stopped by the shop cause they were hiking in the area.  I was surprised to see her, but it was a pleasant surprise.  However she only stayed about 10 minutes.  Of course I wanted more.

Had a dream about L last night. I was her house with a bunch of her friends.  They were all very nice and it seemed like I clicked pretty well with all of them. She was having one of those all day type of get togethers were friends just hang out for the day, talking and eating, and then eating some more.  Reminded me of winter days back when I was 20.  Lots of pot smoking too, which increased the eating 10 fold, including eating decadent cakes and pies, and ice cream at midnight.  It was great to be with her.  But I also wanted time with just her, time to talk and feel connected to her.  At one point during the dream everyone had gone to bed, her house was large enough to accommodate everyone, but I couldn't sleep. She heard me roaming around (ok, maybe I was on purpose a bit too loud) and she came out to check on me.  Finally just her and I.  I walked around admiring her new home, her newly renovated place.  And because we both love architecture and renovating old things she showed me the may nooks and crannies of her home.  It was great having that time with her and experiencing her thoughts, and feeling close to her again.

Maybe I don't want to 'cure' this mother transference stuff?

Well I caved, I gave in, I failed.  I texted L.

I think I wish there was a way to take it back, but maybe there's some comfort in knowing I can't.  No takesies backsies, no do overs, no mulligans.

I know it had been coming on for a while.  She has started to creep back in my head.  It scares me.  I thought I was better.  Maybe I was just in denial?

I found myself looking through all our texts last night.  I felt the pangs of missing her, of missing the connection.  Or was there really ever a connection? Would it matter if only I felt it?

I went back and forth in my head for a while, then I pulled the death card.  What if she died tomorrow, would I regret not reaching out to her?

I kept it simple:

Me: still miss you, a lot

She hasn't replied.  Trying not to drive myself crazy with that thought.  Trying to keep myself busy today.

I've been thinking about what I would like to say to, or hear from L if we were to meet, or if I wrote her a letter. So in an effort to get some of my thoughts down I thought I'd start here:

- Want her to really take in how she hurt me, how she let me down.  I want her to own it, be sorry for it.  I want her to feel my pain.
- She always said that the other shoe would never drop with her.
- She told me that she 'adopted' me
- I loved you, and I still do, but I'm confused
- I feel like you lied to me...maybe.  I don't want to believe that but I don't know how to believe otherwise
- I don't want to, or even think I can go back to you ever being my therapist, but I don't see how 'friend' would work either.  I would like you to continue to be important to me, and of course I wish, but am not sure it's possible for me to be important to you.
- I miss texting you
- I want/need you to be open and honest with me and I need to believe you.
- I miss you
- I deeply miss our hugs
- I wonder if I'll continue to keep C at bay. And if I do is part of it because of what happened with you? Or am I just not capable of having the same kind of relationship? Maybe my maternal emptiness and quest to fill it just can't and shouldn't happen?
- why did you say and do those things? Allow me and even encourage me to have a strong attachment to you. Sort of 'adopt' me. I know it was said in fun but I took it to heart.

L texted me last night.

L: Hi, I hope you had a wonderful holidays.  Thinking of you.  L

After a little thought, I wrote:

Me: Yes, it was good, just a little busy though.  Kinda glad it's over.

It didn't keep me awake last night, but I'm not sure how, or what I feel.  So many things, yet trying to push it all away, like it doesn't affect me.

I've been wondering still why L (ex T) has contacted me.  I haven't been obsessed with it, but I guess just trying to understand. The one thought that occurred to me is that she's keeping her distance because she still plans on continuing/reopening her practice.  She mentioned it during our last session and said that she was hoping her new job would let her see clients.  And if that's true it still sucks and to me, doesn't excuse her from pulling back from me, but I guess I could see some logic in sort of keeping boundaries in place.

Then I started to wonder 'would I actually go back to seeing her as a therapist', and I'm pretty sure the answer would be 'No'.

First, but not most important, logistically C, my new therapist wins hands down!  She is literally right across the street from my shop.  I was worried that her being that close would bother me, would just transfer, or start up obsessional thoughts towards her. But that hasn't happened....although that may not be entirely true, just recently, after starting to write this entry, a few thoughts have popped into my head.  Sigh.....

Second, I feel better with C.  I mean I feel like we 'do' therapy, and it's intense, and she's thoughtful, but after I leave my 90 minute session, the life isn't sucked out of me and I can function.  It's not that it doesn't give me things to think about, but I am not totally lost in thought and immersed in therapy.  I haven't had a therapy hangover....yet.