Appreciative. That's the closest without saying love. I'm appreciative for our session today, and that, as good as it feels, is also a bit scary. Is it appropriate? Too feel so much. I'm a little scared. Which I guess makes sense. Don't want to feel so much good towards her.
But I do.
I sort of feel safe with her. Hopefully that's not misplaced.
I drove by Li's office today, we were going to visit Jess who lives less than a mile away for her office. I thought I'd be freaked out, but I wasn't, I think. I'm not sure if it's because I'm doing better, or atleast better than I ever imagined. Or was it because it's still not real to me? I haven't really played the 'this is the last time I'll ever go to her office...this is the last time we'll ever meet..this is the last time she'll be my therapist...this is the last time I'll ever sit on this couch, this place that I've shared so much...' Makes me sad to write that now. A little surreally, like either the relationship never happended or the breakup never happened.
Fighting the strong urge to text Li. Feeling very angry at her right now., and still miss her tremendously. No wonder I'm feeling crazy, such crazy ends of the spectrum. Was reading some of our texts, probably not helpful.