Thursday, August 28, 2014

The message was sort of cryptic, I guess I meant it to be, like I was testing her.  And of course she failed.  I think she's failed every 'test' I've thrown at her.
I wanted her to remember, I wanted it to mean as much to her as it had meant to me, reveling such an embarrassing reaction.
I sometimes wonder if going to therapy makes me worse.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

It's a lovely rainy day here today and I'm just sort of sloughing.  I was supposed to see L today but she texted me yesterday and said she was sick. She said it wasn't anything serious but her doctors wanted to run some tests today.  Luckily ( I think) we were able to reschedule for tomorrow.  You see L has been away for about 4 weeks now.  She attended a conference that was out of the country, and while she was there she hiked a VERY major mountain.  I'm sure it was quite and adventure for her, I have seen some of the pics on Facebook, but I'm sure it was also very exhausting, so I guess it's not surprising that she's sick.  I just hope she's ok and it's not some crazy flesh-eating disease! Of course I go to the extreme.

The weeks she's been gone have been all over the place for me. I've missed her terribly, I've missed the option of texting her, I've hated her, I've been jealous of her, I've worried about her safety, I've been angry at her.  However, as horrible as all that sounds the anxiety that I typically feel when our schedule is interrupted wasn't as bad as it has been in the past. I'm sure that L would see that as progress, and I guess I sort of do too, but I've also toyed with the idea of not going back to see her.  I'm 99.9% sure I will go back, but as much as I've missed L I also hate the feelings that get dredged up by going to therapy.  Not to mention the 2 hour drive each way.

I hate the games, the push-pull, the longings, the jealousy, the abandonment , the confusion, the 'it's not a real relationship' feelings, the missing her, the overwhelming feelings for days after I leave a session.

And, really, if Robin Williams couldn't make it, who can?