Friday, July 29, 2011

She changed the rules.  She changed them without telling me.  I thought she didn't get a couple of ranting-like texts that I sent so I resent them.  After doing that twice, with two different rants she replied with 'You ok, I keep getting the same texts'

So she did get them but she's now decided not to respond to them.  She's always sent some sort of reply or encouragement but now that's gone.  She's gone.

Why?  Has she now decided that she's been too available?  Too supportive?

It seems like I am now officially slipping into a depression.  The blah-like feelings have been increasing for over a month now and I can't seem to stop the slide.  I was hoping that being away on a 2 week vacation would help, but in fact it's getting worse. 

I continue living in my head and now I don't have an outlet for my crazy thoughts.

She leaves next Tuesday so I won't see her, or talk to her, or god-forbid text her until the following Thursday. 

How will I get through this?  I've started to have some extreme thoughts that are scaring me.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Can't decide whether or not to meet up with L tomorrow.  I sent her a text last Thursday confirming that I would like to see her this week, and I asked if Tuesday would work for her.  She never responded, and I got to thinking (ruminating??!!) that maybe I shouldn't see her during my vacation. 

I had gotten through the first couple of days post-therapy and I was doing ok.  I was starting to relax and enjoy my vacation and I'm afraid if/when I do see here that I'll be thrown back into the anxiety that I typically feel after I leave seeing her.  And it would be compounded cause she is gone on vacation next week.  And even though I'm on vacation next week too I still hate that she's leaving.

More childlike feelings, I know.

I did send her a text a couple hours ago:

Me: I'm assuming you didn't see my text the other day, I had asked about seeing you tomorrow, but I think I'll recant if that's ok.  Have a great vacation.
L:  I didn't see it but I can do tuesday morning
MeWould like to but I'm afraid that I'll feel worse afterwards (sorry if that sounds crappy).  So you'd have to promise that I won't!!

I guess my texts were a bit passive-aggressive.  I wanted to go into what was going on in my head more, but there's only so much to say in a text.

What would you do???

Saturday, July 23, 2011

I should be in a much better mood, and I am trying to get there, but not quite yet.  Our vacation started yesterday, me, my wife, and our 5 year old have rented a friends cottage for 2 weeks.  It's a cute place, right on the water, with all the comforts of home, but still 'cottagey'.

It's going to take me a bit to switch into vacation mode, to relax, to just sit and be, to not have my mind race.  I'm trying to just live in the moment.  My daughter and I played for a few hours in the water today.  Of course I enjoy her, and I'm so impressed with how much she's grown this year.  She can now swim underwater and has little fear of running and jumping of the dock.  And she lost another tooth today!

But I have to admit, I also wish I could just take a couple of days to myself.  Where I could just float in the water and not have to constantly entertain my daughter.  My wife did play games this afternoon with S (our daughter) and let me fall asleep on the hammock.  That really was nice.

I'm not sure if I'm going to see L this week.  We sort of had a tentative appointment and I texted her but she hasn't return my text so I'm being a little pouty about that.

Last year during our summer vacation, we rented a cottage for two weeks at a town not far from where we are this year.  But even though we're on vacation, we're actually only about an hour and 15 minutes from home.  So this year, like last year, L has offered to meet at a coffee shop about 45 minutes from where we're at.  Which for her is only about 35 minutes from where she lives.

When she offered it last year, I was really taken aback.  I had only been seeing her for about 6 months, and although she had been supportive, I was still cautious and reserved, never really asking for much more of her time than the normal 60 minutes.

Eventually I did take her up on her offer.  I remember asking my partner M if it was 'weird'.  Was L being way too generous and should it be something I'm weary of?  M said that on the contrary, she thought L was just be accommodating.

Because we were on a two week vacation I saw L twice during that time.  The first time was a little strange, a little awkward.  From I wonder what I should wear, to where the heck is the coffee shop, to should I buy her coffee?? But in the end it all worked out.  It was great to see her as a real person, out in the real world.  I thought I'd be too self-conscious to talk in a public place, but when I eventually got into my 'zone' it was ok. 

This year, because she's on vacation during the second week of our vacation, I'll only get to see her once.  When I saw her last Thursday she asked if we were going to meet next week.  I told her I didn't know.  Of course I want to.  Hell, I'd move in with her if she asked, so of course I want to see her next week!  But I didn't want to admit that to her, although she already knows.  It just feels pathetic going to see my t while on vacation.  Why do I need her so much?  Why can't I just be normal?

But on Friday, after lamenting about it for a day I sent her a text asking if she could do Tuesday morning.  It's now Saturday night and I haven't heard back.  If I was an adult I'd assume she either didn't get it or forgot to reply, so I'd just send her another one.  But at the moment, I'm not quite an adult. 

And even though I'll be on vacation when she goes away, I'm starting to work up some anxiety about that.  Even though I know I can call or text her......

Saturday, July 16, 2011

It's another beautiful morning. A great morning to go outside for a run.  But I still can't seem to muster up the drive.  I'll still probably run inside on the treadmill, but running outside has such a different feel to it.  Especially on mornings like today, when the sun is shining, but it's still a bit cool, and it's quiet, not too many people up at this hour.  But that all seems to 'happy' for me to enjoy right now.

It's been about a week of the blahs.  It's not really depression.  I've been there before, many times, and this isn't it.  But I still don't feel good.  Sort of maintaining, just trying to get through the day. 

L thinks that due to some situations right now, things at work, and things with my partner, I'm not getting 'fed'.  And it's been like that for a while. 

We leave for a 2 week vacation at the end of next week and I'm hoping it helps.  In the meantime L has suggested that we see each other twice next week.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I did it!  Probably not a big deal for most folks, but for me it's HUGE, and for many reasons.

After writing the earlier blog entry I sent L a text:

Me:  So I just need 10 minutes of your time, is that possible?  I can't actually get there today, M's car is in the shop so she has mine.  Maybe a quick call?  Although it's not my thing and I'm not sure if I would talk.  Could do tomorrow but that's probably not good for you.
     Not a problem if you can't, it may let me off the hook anyway.
     It's definitely not a crisis just looking to 'throw up' .  Felt really bad about asking last week and you trying all that you could to fit me in so please don't do that.
    OK, enough of a rant.  Sorry and thanks.

After that I just sort of waited for her response. Oddly though I shut my phone off so I wouldn't hear it ring nor would I hear the familiar beep of an incoming text. 

I had back to back conference calls this morning so as I was sitting at my desk, pretending to be paying attention, my cellphone rang, it was L calling me back.  Naturally my stomach starts doing flips and I get butterflies.  And not to mention the rise of anxiety. 

To answer or not to answer?  That is the question.  Luckily I had a good excuse, I was supposed to be paying attention to work-crap, so I let it go to voice mail. 

In her message she said that she could talk almost anytime today.  She was running a bunch of errands but she could certainly talk in the car.  Or, because she knows that I don't like the whole phone-thing, she could maybe see me tonight.  Tomorrow she takes off for a long weekend so she wouldn't be available again until Monday.

So there I sat.  In my office, staring at the phone.  I shut my office door, but if someone came in they would have found me sitting on my desk.  Not on my chair, but actually on my desk!  Once again more anxiety.  Do I call her back and try and talk?  How would I start?  Would I even get past the hurdle of just talking, never mind talking about S-E-X?!

My mind was racing, just going back-and-forth.  What typically drives me to get past such issues is knowing that if I don't try I'll just stay stuck.  Which is worse?  Trying and failing, or not trying at all?  They certainly both suck, but the not-trying-at-all will keep me in a tailspin for the entire day and probably the entire weekend. 

After staring at her phone number for what seemed like an eternity I finally pressed the SEND button.

On the first ring - maybe she's not in the car anymore and can't answer.
Second ring - what the hell am I doing, I don't even know how to start the conversation
Third ring - She's not answering, what am I going to do?  Hang up?  Leave a message?

Then she answered, all cheery-like too!

And then so it went. She was great, apparently I was pretty good too!  I talked.  Of course for a minute or so I couldn't form complete sentences.  Lots of stopping-and-starting.  Lots of talking around what I wanted to talk about.  And then finally I told her about the antidepressants and the sexual side affects.  I even said the work S-E-X!

It was so good, such a relief.  I did die-of-embarrassment a couple of times, and I told her that.  But luckily it was only short lived.  At least for now.  Cause I know I'll be embarrassed again when I see her face-to-face next week.  Can't think about that now though.

For now I'll just be a little proud of myself.

The Blahs

I'm just sitting and staring.  I feel like I want to say more but at the same time it feels like too much work.  How can that be?  How can talking be too much work? 

I'm starting to get concerned that the 'blahs' may turn into something more.  L suggested that maybe I up my meds. I'm on a low dosage of Paxil so even doubling it is not a big deal.  In fact I use to be on the double-dosage but I cut it in half at least 9 months ago. 

I don't like being on meds, who does, but I also don't like the side effects.  I don't like the sexual side effects, it's too frustrating.  I wanted to be able to say this to L last night after she suggested doubling it, but I couldn't. She pushed it for a while and I just wanted to shout to her 'LOOK, these antidepressants affect my ability to have an orgasm, do you know how f'ing frustrating that is? I'm sure you don't!  How could you, you're perfect!'

But of course I didn't.

I'm an old Irish ex-catholic girl who is definitely not comfortable talking about sex.

And to make matters worse, L is a tall, fit, beautiful woman who I'm sure has not trouble in 'this area'.  I'm sure she has a wonderful sex life and men falling at her feet!!!

Of course there's no way I could know that, and of course I'm sure that she has her own problems, but in writing this I just realized that this is one of the reasons I'm nervous about bringing in M for couples counseling.  In my crazy-little-head I feel like L will think less of me. And in a weird way, pity me.

The blahs continue and I've blown my chance to talk this week.  I suppose I could see if she had any more time this week, but it feels like too much work.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

T In Less Than 2 Hours

I'm seeing L at a different time than normal.  Instead of Wednesday morning at 7:30, I go tonight at 5:00pm.  It worked out well because I get to go 'casual', and I prefer to go in shorts and a t-short than my normal business-casual wear.  It's funny how it has such an affect on me.  I really do feel more comfortable and much more 'me'.

Even with the option of flip-flops I still feel a little indifferent about going.  I may feel a bucket-load of things about therapy but indifference is not typical for me.  What's even stranger was originally we had been scheduled to meet yesterday morning but late Monday night she sent me a text that she had made a mistake and couldn't make it, and the strange part.....I was fine with it!  In fact I was sort of happy about it.  I just didn't feel like going.  That's never happened before.

I think my case-of-the-blahs continues.  Maybe it's also the summer.  We leave next Friday for a two week vacation and I wonder if I'm starting to shutdown and switching into vaca-mode.  We are renting a cottage on a lake for two weeks and I can't wait.  It's one of my favorite types of vacations. 

Someday I hope to own a cottage on a lake.  And oddly some of that hope has to do with passing it on to my daughter.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Blogging Instead of Working Today

Probably because it's Monday, but I'm feeling a little off, a little tired, and a little unmotivated, especially at work.  I saw L on Wednesday and it went pretty well, but 15 minutes after leaving I was texting and asking her for a 2nd session.  We both tend to have time on Friday mornings.  Unfortunately, for whatever reason, she couldn't do this Friday.  Logically of course I understand, but of course I was still affected by it. She did send me a text on Thursday afternoon saying that Friday was definitely out but she could see me in about 2 hours or on Saturday afternoon.  I replied back that I couldn't get there this afternoon, and Saturday is her day off.

The ebb and flow of needing her, of craving her can be exhausting in and of itself.  I really hate the day after our sessions, especially if it's the Wednesday session and I'm not scheduled to see her until the following Wednesday.  This time was no different.  However, like my craving for chocolate ice cream, if I can wait it out for a while the craving dissipates.  So by Thursday afternoon I was 'stronger'.  Of course I always like going to see her (even when I'm angry with her), but there are times where it's tolerable  Although, there are still times where I would walk through fire just for 90 minutes of her attention.

I also forgot to let her know last Wednesday that I can't do our normal Wednesday morning session this week, so I texted it to her.  Normally I hear back from her within a couple hours, but not this time.  In fact it's Monday morning and I still haven't heard from her.  Often this kind of an event (or non-event) would send me into a tailspin and I would convince myself that she really doesn't care, but this time I didn't react as strongly.  Of course I would have preferred contact, but I was OK about it and didn't lose it. 

But then I also wonder if that's why I'm feeling a little 'off' this morning. 

I was pretty social this weekend.  Actually, I wasn't that social.  Yes, I did go out, but I think I kept a bit to myself. 

On Friday night, my partner M and my daughter and I took 3 of the kids from our church bowling.  They are from Africa and have never been bowling, although they've played it on our Wii before.  We attend a very multi-cultural inner city church and one of the awesome things about that is meeting families from all walks of life.  Even though we may be a bit non traditional, my blue-eyed blond-haired daughter lives a very middle class life.  This church provides such a good balance for us, and we get the privilege of giving back and receiving so much more in return. 

So even though I really enjoy taking the kids, I felt like I really had to force myself.  The kids have lots of energy, as does my daughter, so it's great for them to get out and have fun. 

Saturday we swam for a while, and then went to a wedding.  Once again, I enjoyed myself, but I really had to force it, it did not come easy or naturally.  And then the same thing on Sunday.  We swam and spent some time with friends, and I even went out for a late day motorcycle ride, but I still had trouble.  Typically on my bike I can't think of anything else but concentrating on the rode.  But my mind kept drifting, and the whole time I couldn't wait to get back home, and just go to bed.

Maybe it's just a case of the blahs.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

A Texting Psycho

I went a little off the text-deep-end yesterday

Me:  Sorry for bugging you (again) just some anxiety today and I needed to make sure you were still there, and it's real
L: It is real I am still here try to let go of the anxiety I will see you tomorrow text as much as you want
Me: Thanks
L: No problem

20 minutes later.....
Me:No need to respond, just ramblings...I hate to admit it but I needed/wanted more from M yesterday, and I'm too dependent on you  I'm fucked basically.  I know I'm overreacting(drama??) I think I probably get like this after some time off

Another 20 minutes later...
Me:  I need to check out for the day, a bike ride to maine sounds good.  I hate that I can't run away anymore.  Adds to the anxiety.  Hmmm, I wonder if that's what drug use would do for me?  That's how I would run away.

15 minutes later....
Me: Does everyone's moods fluctuate like this? Don't want to be here, don't want to be anywhere.  But I have to stay too many crappy meetings, although I'm texting and not really attending, only in body.  The mind is such a terrible thing to waste, I really miss mine.
L:  We can talk about it all tomorrow so write some stuff down so we can get right into it
Me: Hey, no fair threatening me!  And if I'm not there, check the parking lot.  Should I stop texting and 'write it down' some place else?
L: You can keep texting writing down is not in lieu of texting

A couple hours later...
Me: Left for lunch, needed to get out.  Find myself sitting in a cemetery in Andover.  Nothing creepy, it's just peaceful and quiet.  Blew off meeting M for lunch, just couldn't handle it today.

Later that evening
L: Why are you hiding from M?
Me: Good question, don't know, but I'm glad she's not home tonight.

The ability to reach out and text L when I go into this anxiety-spin definitely helps me.  It gives me a way to channel some energy and thoughts, which otherwise would cause me to implode. 

I did go see L today and we talked about my relationship with M.  Which for the most part, and in comparison to others is not that bad, I just need more.

I need to communicate.

I need to talk. 

And that scares the hell out of me. 

I'm not good at needing these, although the flip side is that I consider myself a needy person. 

Totally crazy.

Monday, July 4, 2011

The Third Rail

Naturally I texted L after our last appointment. 

  Me:  Do you have time this Friday at 7:30am? 
           Things to hold my feet to the the fire about:  Why I think I shut down today.  Surprised that you didn't notice my need for drama.  Just thought it seemed obvious, not to me, but to you because you're way smarter.  Which makes me realize there's a lot of crap that I don't tell you and I kind of assume that you already know....I could ramble a lot more about this, but I think I'll hold off in order to build it up a bit more!

  L:      See you Friday at 7:30

When I pulled up to her building it's always a crap shoot who's there first, me or her.  Because we usually meet at 7:30am our cars are typically the only ones in the parking lot.  I prefer to get there after her, so I try to time it accordingly.  However this morning I arrived just as she was getting out of her car.  Crap!  I've been spotted, and now I HAVE to go in.  Of course not that I ever wouldn't go in, but I at least like the option!

She waits for me to walk into the building and up the stairs with her.  She almost always wears dresses/skirts, and she's a runner/hiker.  So as I follow behind her on the stairs I notice her amazing long, muscular legs.  She's a couple of years older than me, but she's in amazing shape.  Definitely hate her for that!

I really like our appointments on Friday mornings.  My usual time is Wednesday morning at 7:30am and it definitely has a different feel to it.  On Wednesday it's the middle of the work week, I'm dressed more business-casual, and my mind is typically filled with day-to-day crap.  I hate-my-job-stuff, partner-stuff, foo-stuff, the usual-stuff, and I'm typically a little more distant from L cause it's been 5 -7 days since we last met.

But Friday appointments are much different.  I dress more like myself, t-shirt and jeans.  This Friday, because I wasn't going into the office after I was in a t-shirt, my new-favorite pair of Tommy Hilfiger cargo shorts, and flip flops.  So totally me and so comfortable.  Also, because I've usually just seen L two days prior, we concentrate less on the day-to-day stuff, cause much hasn't changed, and our conversations tend to be much deeper.  Plus, it's only been a 48 hours since we last met, so my walls aren't as high. 

This Friday was no different.

She started right in on the text.  

We talked about why I shutdown.  That's one of the nice things about going twice a week.  I get to revisit things we talked about, or didn't talk about on Wednesday and I get to further explain myself.  Especially because I live in my head, so much doesn't get said.  So this time I was able to replay for her what was happening the other day when I felt misunderstood and totally backed away.  I also owned being misunderstood because I know I have every right, and the ability to say to her that her understanding of how I'm feeling isn't accurate, but that's not what happened.  Instead I choose to take 20 steps back.  This happens quite often, both here and in real life.

She asked if we could make a pact that when I start to shut down that we talk about it.  I agreed, sort of.  It's gonna be hard to not retreat.  It's a basic instinct, and a basic need for me.

We also talked about the third rail, or the moth-to-a-flame thing.  It's my fear of intimate, close relationships.  Like a moth, I'm drawn to the fire of connectedness, but it's also the fire that kills me.  (OMG!, as I'm writing this a moth flies through the open porch door and is circling me, what kind of sign is that???!!)

My partner M and I met a long time ago while she was working for me.  Yes, it was a modern day version of the office romance.  Except for us, two women, it was a little different.  It's a very, very long story, maybe a blog for another day??

Anyway, for me it was difficult for lots of reasons, but one of the obvious is ones  is that I was her boss.  Once we started dating we both agreed that she would need to leave the company, but while she was looking for other employment, she still reported to me.  So, in order not to feel like I was playing favorites with her, I actually went to the other end of the spectrum and was somewhat demanding of her at work. I expected more, and better from her.  It was a very difficult time for both us.  She felt like I was being unfair, which I was, but I was trying to compensate.  Or at least that's what I was telling myself. 

However, in addition to the work-boss-quandary-thing, I was also having a hard time accepting my feelings for her.  They were sooooo strong, some may even say too strong, but there's a lot more to the story, like I said, maybe a blog for another day.  But out of all this struggle does come quite a few very funny stories, and couple of poignant ones as well. 

When M, my partner, tells others our how-we-met story, she always likes to point out that I was a great boss until the day I told her that I liked her, and then things got very, very ugly (and complicated).  The moral of the story being that I'm nice to you and fun to work for unless I actually like you, and then all bets are off!

L and I have talked about my how my partner and I met-story, and I repeated the above to her on Friday.  And I said that's how it is with a lot of relationships for me.  Once a person starts really mattering to me it becomes too much for me.  I told her it's like the third rail for me.  As soon as I touch it, I get electrocuted.  Much like my relationship with her.  It means too much to me, it's too important.

We then talked about our relationship, L's and mine.  I really needed to let her know how important she was to me.  I know some of twisted thoughts (can you say transference??) have to do with my childhood and my mother.  I also know some of my fears have to do with ex-t-who-crushed-me(C).  But I'm also sure that some of it has to do with genuinely liking her, we really do have a great connection.  She agreed, and even threw in that along with the transference, there's even some countertransference.  When said that I looked up at her and asked 'Countertransference?', and she nodded her head yes.

Some day we'll talk more about that.....

She also asked me to talk more about what I was calling drama, and the need for it.  I told her I really hate that I used the word drama to describe the process, it's not accurate and has a negative connotation to it.  I still haven't found the right word but for me it's something that I need to, or tend to do to feel connected. 

Typically what happens is that I build something up inside my head.  To a point where I feel like I'm going to explode, or implode.  So when I finally start to tell L, the drama is that I can't just sit and tell her.  I pace, or move around alot in her office, or I sit in a different chair.  My movement feels dramatic, and my speech is very slow and deliberate.  Sometimes painfully slow. 

We talked about that for a long time.  She thinks that part of it may have to do with my need to 'honor' how important and painful it is for me to talk.  Like I just can't give it up, there has to be some sort of 'ceremony'. 

My text about 2 hours after our session:

Me:  Just in case I wasn't clear today, my relationship with C can't hold a candle to my relationship with you.

L: Thank you, very much appreciated