Monday, April 6, 2015

I'm back in 'that place' again.  The anger, the mistrust, the push-pull.  It's been coming on for a couple of weeks and it got pretty bad yesterday.  I'm so lost in my thoughts, withdrawn, I can't get her out of my head.

Today I had to cancel because my daughter was home sick.  Part of me was relieved and part of me is...well I'm not quite sure. I'm sick of feeling like this.

I did have this weird, brief moment in which I really thought she cared, but it was all a misunderstanding.  She is going to be up in my neck of the woods tomorrow, she has an appointment and she suggested we meet after as it would save me four hours-round trip.  Unfortunately I couldn't get anyone to cover the shop for me so instead we confirmed a time for today, and I would just drive the two hours each way that I normally do.  But because of my daughter I sent her a text saying I had to cancel today.  She then sent me a text later so 'OK, see you tomorrow'.  I was confused, as we were supposed to meet today because I have to work tomorrow.  And then I got it in my head that because she was up here anyway tomorrow, she would just stop by my shop. We couldn't have a session but it would be great to have her come by. Unfortunately that was never the case.  She just forgot, and now I'm back to hating her.

I know these feelings are childish, and probably not even meant for  her, mostly.  But knowing that doesn't change anything.

Yesterday was Easter so I drove down (reluctantly) to visit some family for the day.  Because my wife and daughter were spending the weekend with family, they were already there, so I had a long drive to myself, which I typically like.  Unfortunately because I was in the area, and alone, I drove by my ex-T's house, twice.  It was a little weird be back in that town again, where I had spent so much time, and now we don't even speak. Sad