Thursday, March 24, 2011

Am I Afraid of Feeling Better?

Is it possible it's not L who has changed, but me?  And is that change for the better and does that scare me?  I had a quick flash back to my former therapist.  The one who totally crushed me for years when she decided to stop seeing me.  Someday I'll post about that.  I sent her a letter asking for her to explain to me why she terminated me and in that letter I asked her if she was acting like a mother bird and pushing her baby bird out of the nest.  And if that was the reason, then it totally sucked and she was wrong (didn't quite word it that way).
So is L not doing certain things because she doesn't think I need them anymore?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Has Something Changed?

And I don't mean for the better, I think.  Or is it because I'm 'better' she's changing, or changing her approach or support?  Sometimes I like to describe my process of 'getting things out' as throwing up, which means I have all these crazy thoughts and I just first need to get them out, and if I'm being vocal (as opposed to writing) I just go into a rant for a while.  Sometimes I can get some clarity, especially if I'm ranting at/with L, or sometimes it just feels better, like after you throw up(sorry if this is so gross!).  Anyway, I think I just need to throw up right now, would prefer to do it with L, but not sure I can, cause it's sort of about her.

I feel, or maybe think that we, or she has been missing the mark.  And I'm not quite sure that is accurate either.  She still seems like herself, but maybe it's more the way she's been treating me lately.  For instance, sometimes she asks whether I want to schedule another session this week with her. Or at the very least she tells me she's around for the rest of the week so I can come in again if I want.  But she hasn't been saying that lately.  I even mentioned it in my text/rant last week but she never said anything of it.  So is she not offering because she's taking those extra sessions off the table, or because I'm better and she thinks I can now ask for what I need?  And then of course the most vocal alternative that I have is that she's had enough of me and the connection that I perceive isn't real? 

Another thing is hugs....uggh, always a tough one, and maybe too much of a slippery slope, and maybe that's why it's been taken away?  Or maybe she's waiting for me to ask.

Then the text last week were I specifically said 'Can you please add this to the ever growing list of embarrassing things to talk about....', and then she didn't bring it up today.  And the concern was the aloneness that I typically feel when I leave my session with her.  So because it wasn't talked about today I'm back to feeling the aloneness.
I feel, again, like I want or need something deeper/richer and she can't offer that.  And now I'm back to feeling like I'm too much, I want too much, and I'm too much work. 

I know I should talk to her about all this, and I know that there are a million different valid reasons for the above, but this is one of those times that the logical stuff doesn't trump the emotional stuff.  And so for the 2 people that may potentially read this, please don't tell me to talk to her about it.  I know you're right, but I'm not in that place right now.  I'm in somewhat of a distant place right now.  I hope that didn't sound too harsh, just more throwing up.

Lastly, I took the chicken way out and sent her a text asking if she has changed the way she works or interacts with me.  I know it's a loaded question, and not something that can be answered via text.  Well actually I imagine it can, and will be answered with a 'No', but her followup questioning will only be done face-to-face, which is ok, I guess, but now I have to wait another week.  There's no way that I'll ask her for another day this week. At least that's where I'm at right I stomp my foot and walk away.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Just Another Day in Paradise

Don't know what to title this, but I did want to update that apparently in no way did my T think I was quiting based on my text the other day.  Actually her response to my 'enough is enough...' rant was 'If you need time at the end of the week just call me'.  As much as I promised myself that I wouldn't contact her again, and possibly not go to my next session, the next day I sent her a text appologizing for the rant and that I was ok and that I was keeping things at bay.  And then she blew me away and sent 'it's hard sometimes to keep it at bay that's why it's ok to rant and text as much as you want'.  Who the hell does she think she is, being all supportive like that!

So, that exchange did put me in a better mood, although there still is a big part of me that is off balance.  It's like I'm forcing myself to function right now.  I have been worse before, no doubt about that, but I can't quite shake this weird feeling.
I'm also trying to work myself up to some difficult conversations with my partner.  Certainly not relationship ending, but still difficult.  This is probably adding to my strangeness as well.

One of the things I did text L about as well was that when I leave a session sometimes I have a sense of sadness or aloneness.  It's a feeling of loss that can sometimes be difficult to push aside.  I asked if we could talk about this more next week, and if it was possible to leave and not feel like this.  I think this thought also added to my spiral and rant. I wondered in my text to her if I was going back to the freakish attachment stuff?  Have I now gone full circle?

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

It's All Crap

Apparently in a bad place, but is it a real place?  Had a decent session and now I find myself spiraling out of control, sort of.  There's like two weird parts of me.  One that is freakishly calm and distant, and the other just wanting to lash out.  I sent a couple of crazy texts and although a 'normal' person would consider her responses thoughtful and helpful, I on the other hand just want to push her further away.  Don't know where the anger is coming from right now. 

Saturday, March 12, 2011

I Hate to Post Something Joyful

I'm looking at a picture of my daugher when she was about 6 months old, in fact I'm made it the background on my laptop.  Although she's still a child, not quite 5 yet, for some reason this picture of her sleeping, and arms behind her head, looking so peaceful and content has just filled me with joy this morning.  Through all the ups and downs and the angst-like feelings that I still walk around with, my daughter can bring such joy......oh, and let's not forget frustration too!

Adapting to a baby was EXTREMELY difficult for me.  Thank goodness my partner (M) was there.  I know I never would have made it if she wasn't there.  And I know a pretty good portion of my struggles was hormonal, can you say post partum depression?  At the beginning , well not quite the beginning, but after finally getting through the first 6 - 9 months, I used to tell people that it's still 80% work for me, but the 20% of pure joy provides a good balance.  But now, nearly 5 years later, the percentages have shifted.  It's more like 50-50.  For the most part she is a joy to be around, except of course when it's bedtime and she's tired!  She's funny, thoughtful, sweet, and so much more.

Hmmm, maybe I'm writing this to acknowledge how lucky I am, or atleast how blessed I am.  Like everyone else, my life can really suck at times.  The depression can take hold of me and really own me for days.  So when I do have times of being filled by joy just by looking at my daughter I want to mark it, and hold on to it......atleast until it's her bedtime!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Like Being Punched in the Stomach

I had my whole day planned.  I knew what I had to do to get to 6:00pm.  I even dressed for it.  I was so close, just two hours to go, I could easily make it.  But then the phone rang, I glanced over and read the caller id, and I knew it wouldn't be good.  L was calling two hours before our session.  She had a family emergency, one of her kids was hurt and she had to go get him from the hospital.  He's ok, but she'd have to cancel for tonight.  My heart sank, it was like getting punched in the stomach.  I went into autopilot.  I was saying all the right things, 'no problem...', supportive '..go take care of your son...'

Of course I'm not mad, just crushed.  But the only person I can really share this with is L, and what kind of person would I be if I did. 

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

It's Complicated....or Maybe it's Just Me

I have my normal session tomorrow with L, last week she was on vacation, and I'm not sure how to 'act, or how to 'be'.  I'm sure most people would say 'Just be yourself', but that is much easier said than done.  I think I always have to figure out or plan how I'm going to be with L, although it doesn't always play out that way. 

I did survive while she was gone, and it was definitely the best I've ever been, although clearly there's lots of room for improvement.  I was also extremely sick for 3 days last week, so that took a lot of my focus.  But overall I was noticibly much better and less anxious, even compared to a regular week when L is around.  I only texted her once and I didn't have to fight off any urge to contact her more than that.  So I'm assuming that's growth?

She was actually back earlier in the week and she called and left me a voice message telling me she was back and if I wanted to see her earlier in the week (earlier than my usual Wednesday) we could probably figure out a time.  Oddly enough I was a little miffed that she called.  I think I was angry (more than miffed??) because I interpreted her calling as her acknowledging I was weak.  And although I am, I don't need to be reminded of it!  (please note there is some sarcasm in what I'm writing, but there's also a good mixture of truth too.....I guess I'll be the only one to know the difference)

Normally I would have been overjoyed and appreciative of her calling.  Normally I hope and hope she does, but unless initiate contact she typically doesn't reach out to me out of the blue.  So now this time I'm not sitting around hoping and hoping she calls, but then she does.  How dare she!

I was wondering last night if I should even keep my appointment with her this week.  I'm feeling ok.  I've even had some motivation this week to get things done.  My partner and I are going away for a couple of days at the end of this week (sans child!!) and I'm looking forward to it.  So do I go see L tomorrow and risk getting sucked back into the vortex called Therapy???

While thinking about that more I asked myself how would I feel if she cancelled tomorrow?  And my answer.....I'd hate her!!  So I guess I'm going.