Tuesday, November 1, 2016

I was angry when I left today.  It felt like I didn't have enough time and she didn't have the time for me.  Although logically I know it was the normal Monday-50-minute session.  And I know I never think it's enough time when I do the 50 minute sessions.  I also wanted to leave with some answers, come clarity, some way of easing the angst. But that did not happen

I know I disassociate, and it's bothersome, but I also think alot of my crap has to do with attachment. And maybe I've pathologicalized the attachment? the dependency? feeling like I need Celia way too much?  That's what I meant when I said I can't breath.  It's more like I'm holding my breath, waiting for my next appointment.  That's what I get lost in thought about.

Spent most of the night thinking about this whole disassociating thing.  And I do disassociate some but it's really the inbetween session stuff that is affecting me now.  So much time thinking about therapy.  Missing Celia.  Sort of wishing I meant something to her.  But I say 'sort of' because I wished for that with Li and look where that got me.  Sometimes I really feel like I'm going crazy.  So crazy that I wish I could do something to make it stop.  I know that means suicide, although I'm 98% certain that I would never do that, but the thoughts are sometimes there.

I want to tell Celia that think she was wrong about the disassociating thing.  Well I guess not completely wrong but that I really thing the focus should be attachment and transference.  The longing for someone to really care about me, to be truly interested in what I'm thinking and feeling.

The dependence is difficult to get my head around. It feels so wrong. And maybe triggering?   The needy feeling sends me to a state of anxiety as well.

Wonder if any of this right now is triggered by you leaving next week?

This feeling of 'neediness' is very similar to my experience with Janice, which in fact led me to therapy, figuratively and literally.  I was obsessed with her.  It's never been in a romantic way, with any of them.  But I always wanted to know where Janice was.  I craved her attention.  But not getting enough of it, which I probably never could spiraled into a deep depression, and full on living in my head.  I would find excuses to go by her office, to talk with her.  Would take extra care in her requests and her clients, in hopes of pleasing her.  Even though I really didn't like babysitting, I jumped at the opportunity to watch her kids.  Sometimes we would go out and socialize, I hated when other people where and crave deep conversations with her.  I remember once when I had told her that I was having a hard time in therapy she offered to pick me up after a session.  I was so happy, I thought we'd get a chance to have a meaningful conversation, but instead she brought her kids and literally just picked me up and drove me home.  I was crushed.

Lots of thoughts/some dreams about Celia leaving me (ok, not really leaving me).  I'm feeling angry about it, which means I'm feeling angry about going to see her today. I can't get past the 'feeling' thing.

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