Friday, April 19, 2013

I still can't seem to accept what this relationship is. I cringe when I hear her say things like 'client', 'patient', 'session'.  But that's what I am. The funny thing is that she gives me more than I ever thought was possible with a therapist.  I feel like I'm just not capable.
I hate how I react to her.  But at the same time I crave her support (although less than I used to). I also know that I feel at my best when I've opened up to her and felt connected.
I don't like that she doesn't 'take' or 'need' anything from me, but I on the other hand do.With my mother I always believed she was doing things only for herself, including her 'care' for me.
I can't figure out how to accept the boundaries even though she hasn't imposed any.  Maybe that's why it's confusing to me?
How do I accept that she's just my therapist? And why do I keep getting tripped up
Is she just waiting for me to ask for what I want/need?
Sometimes I think she really cares and that I matter, and that feels so good and life feels good.  But then something happens to remind me that I'm no more than a patient/client to her and I'm low on her totem pole of who she cares about.
After all this time, hard work, and life changes I feel like I'm still at the same place that I've always been.  This issue that makes no sense to me and controls my entire being.  Sounds a little over-dramatic, but it really does invade my entire life.