In between sessions is hard, feels like a longing. with L, texting helped, but I'm assuming that may not be the best long term solution.
Not asking for it, but wishing I could come twice a week
It's hard talking with you, telling you embarrassing things, partly because you don't have the same emotional investment. Maybe that's more about 'mattering' to you. I always struggled with that with L and I guess I was right. Don't want to be right again.
It's like you don't exist, or your gone. It used to happen a lot/all the time with Li. I would often text her just to ask if she was there. It helped to ask, to get it out of my head, and it also helped to here back that yes, she was there. Except now she isn't , and not sure if she ever really was. It sucks.
She once told me that one of her responsibilities was to not replicate what Claire did to me. But she did. Now Celia says she hopes that she's around to see me heal, to see me grow and 'take care of myself'. Those are all my words but that's the meaning I got from them.
I've been feeling/missing Li for the past couple of days. It's a little strange to sense her presence but know she's not there.
Feeling very angry at Li. She fucking lied to me hasn't even attempted to see me or talk with me in over 3 months. Why did she lead me on? Now, and the whole time I saw her.
Still struggle to keep a connection.
Need to talk more about hugs. What they mean I guess. I miss my hugs with Li. Makes me sad.
Feel like I can't waste my time with you, no small talk, no inconsequential conversations. Never know when my time is up with you. Plus I don't think that's your m.o. anyway. Guess that will keep me on track
I wonder how I'll do/feel about skyping Celia over the next couple of weeks. I did ok when we did it last time, but I think I was in a different place with her then. I suppose I should talk about it with her but I'm feeling a little sick about being in this place again. Desperate, dependent , needy. I wonder if I was just deceiving myself, obviously I was , I just wonder was I really aware of it or is it just part of my process? Makes me feel sad.
Maybe I feel crappy because she's leaving. Li used to tell me where she's going but I'm assuming Celia won't . I probably won't even ask, fear of being rejected I guess . Although part of me knows that she'll really want me to talk about it and not just 'resolve' the question of where.
I feel angry too that she's leaving