Wednesday, November 2, 2016

We're supposed to Facetime in about 2 hours.  I just got high and now I can't decide if I should try and write or if I should sleep it off, live in my head for a bit.

A friend/business acquaintance died today, and that has really shaken me.  I asked one of the kids to come in and work my hours today. I'm in sort of a fog. Almost  feel like I died.  Does that even make sense?

I wonder if I should tell Celia about my suicide thoughts.  Not suicidal thoughts, like I'm gonna kill myself right now, or tomorrow.  But I do contemplate it a bit.

She asked me on Monday, 'what did I need from her?' I'm not sure what she was looking for, or how  I should answer her? And really, do I really need her, or anything for that matter?  Not to get too deep, but isn't she the one to show me that Li's leaving didn't crush me?.  I survived. She pointed that out to me. Didn't she say that although I may have thought I needed Li  I truly didn't.

I wonder what would happen in someone found all my writing, journals, blog, what they would think.

After, or maybe even before we hung up I was angry.  Or maybe hurt or maybe rejected.

This is what I wanted to text you this morning:
A while ago you told me that your therapist, the one who died, practically raised you.  That is such a strong, meaningful statement and that's the kind of relationship I want with you, but I don't think I'm allowed to, which I guess I understand.  I should have that with M, not the 'practically raised by' part but a deep meaningful one. I felt yesterday that you were pushing me away, pushing me towards M.  I feel like I can't have what I think I want or need, but maybe I'm not worth it.  I've been telling myself to not text and now here I am wanting to.

How much and often can I text you?

I was able to distract myself and hold off on texting celia yesterday.  Still feeling the urge today, but Mark's death and funeral today is keeping it down. I did up my Abilify yesterday, so a little of the darkness has been lifted, but it's definitely still there.  Not looking forward to going today.  I'll be leaving shortly but I'm still actively debating it.

Still feeling down. Just stupidly looked up Celia on Facebook, just for a connection; wish I hadn't.  Normally she has her settings set to private so all I could usually see is some old pics of her.  But this time they were recent.  Pics of her and her husband away this past week.  Pics of her new house, on a lake.  Really nice place.  I don't plan on telling her this as last time she secured her page so I couldn't see anything.  Not sure what's change but it has sent me spiraling down even more.  I guess seeing her post such happy photos makes me jealous.

How will I be able to face her? Why does it make me feel so bad?  Is it just because it reminds me of how Not in her life I am? I'm not allowed to know anything about her?

Funny, I woke last night around 3am and I thought I had made it. I thought I was feeling better and not longing to see Celia.  But then something changed after I had woken back up from finally falling asleep.  Something shifted.  I was back to being sad.

I'm probably bothered by Celia's post because she's in a good place and I'm not.

It's Sunday, she flies home today but I'm still wanting to text her, and at the same time still angry with her.  They are both pretty crazy thoughts, not based in reality at all.  She doesn't hold all the cards, neither the good or the bad, does she?

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