Thursday, February 24, 2011

Brushed Off, and Overly Sensitive

I struggled so much, as I usually do.  To text or not to text, that was the question.  She always, always, encourages me to. She says she wants to know what's going through my head, no matter when it happens.  And it has been extremely helpful.  I have to admit that this is the best I've ever emotionally felt during a vacation (and during the vacation of ex-break-my-heart-dump-me-T), and I know part of it is the outside contact she allows and encourages.

I finally send this to her 'I'm ok, just trying to figure out how to make it until next wednesday.  The anxiety has been managable.  But now I need to figure out how to remember, how to 'hear' you.  Does that make sense?  Should I even be trying? Maybe just looking to stay connected.'

She responds the next day 'I'm glad you wanna stay connected.  yes that makes sense i'm glad you wanna try.  we are in the land of rain rain rain'  (gosh, I hope she doesn't mind that I just posted her words?)

So initially I feel less than satisfied by her response.  Then I start feeling like I got the big brush off.  Ok, so maybe not the BIG brush off, she didn't break up with me, but I felt like she was just to busy to respond to me, which of course she has every right to.  She's on vacation, and I'm not in crisis.  Technically she answered my questions.  But I guess my questions, really weren't questions.  I mean they were questions, but I wasn't looking for answers per say, although of course I was looking for answers!

I should have called this blog 'More Crazy Thoughts'.  I just can't get my right brain and left brain to play together nicely.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

When a Vacation is Not a Vacation

It's certainly better this time (although I'm not telling her that) but it's still hard. I don't feel like I'm under water and gasping for air, and I actually watched a movie the other day and stayed present.  But if I do have free 'thought' time, like when I'm driving, or trying to fall asleep, or at work (still can't get my work motivation/drive back) I think about L.  I think about our last session, our next session, our past sessions.  I'm not sure, but I think I do this to maintain some sort of connection with her, and I can't figure out why.

She said, like she's always said that I can call or text her as much as I want.  However my reactions are so predictable now.  At first I promise myself not to contact her.  I'm strong, I don't need it.  And really, what is 'it', what do I get by texting her?  Nothing tangible.  But then halfway through the separation (yes, I consciously chose the word separation) I convince myself to send her something.  And as usual, it was something sort of rambly.  Certainly not as rambly as before, and trust me there have been some real crazy conversations with her while she was on vacation. 

I've thought about asking her for a picture, but I don't think that would cut it.  I was wondering about asking her to write some sort of support letter when she goes away.  Something that I could hold and read, and reread to somehow 'feel' her presence.  Although that sounds a little corny, and wee bit too needy.  But I guess that's me.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Dance Continues.....

I saw L (my therapist) today, and I couldn't/didn't/wouldn't talk.  Even though I see her for 1 1/2 hours, it's never long enough, and it's too long all at the same time.  And what made it even harder was her telling me that she wouldn't be around next week.  That always feels like she punched me in the stomach.

I wanted to talk about the 'relationship', it's so weird, and hard, and what I like to call 'freakish'. 

She kept guessing, albeit they were educated guesses, but it took her a bit to figure out the high-level issue I was having.  It's strange, all these things she initially mentioned are real, tangible reasons to be upset and things I need to work through, but those are 'easy' in comparison to talking about how I feel towards therapy, and her.  Sometimes I'm able to dance around it enough to where I'm finally able to blurt it out, but not this time.  I think I'm just ashamed and embarrased that I still get hung up on it.  That of all the things I struggle with, this is the hardest, the one that just sucks the life out of me.

I wanted so much to tell her what I wrote in my journal the other day.  All I could muster up was to allude to it and tell her my reaction to it afterward. I wrote that I can't take the constant struggle.  The fact that in the same thought I can go from hating her to wanting her to hold me.  And after I wrote that, I walked away from my computer and then it dawned on me that this is probably exactly how I felt (feel) about my mother growing up.  That hard realization hit me, and then I also became embarrased at my realization, that it was just so classic, so common.  But I couldn't say any of that to her.

The push-pull is exhausting.  I wish I could just let it be, except it, but I can't.  I want to but I hold myself back from it.

So it's a few hours later, and I'm teetering, but I haven't crashed yet.  I start thinking of texting her and asking if she has anytime to see me before she leaves for a week.  I hate myself for doing it.  I promised myself as I pulled out of her parking lot this morning that I wouldn't, that I would be strong.  So much for that.  I text her.  She, because she is awesome replies that she'll move some things around and get back to me.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

The Dance of Trust

Why would I not want to convince myself to trust someone?  Why would I purposely, consciously talk myself out of it?  L(my therapist) has been top notch, the initial, tangible issues that I had first come to her with have subsided, so I've defintely made progress.  I think she understands me.  So why do I feel like I want to pick a fight with her?  Why do I want to be angry with her? 

We have had some really good, deep conversations.  We have also had some more light conversations, like we had this week.  When we have those light conversations I leave there feeling alone, like 'I have all these other things roaming in my head, why did we talk about movies?'.  She says every session doesn't have to be the 'BellJar', but those are the times that I feel most connected.

She tells me I can text her as much as I want, and for the most part that has been really helpful.  Emails don't cut it, and I'm not good on the phone, so texting in between sessions has been pretty succesfull.  Sometimes we each respond quickly enough that it feels like a mini conversation, and other times it's just a place for me to put it out there and then I can let it go and continue with my life. So why don't I appreciate that?  Actually I do appreciate it immensly, but why isn't it enough?  Why doesn't it 'prove' to me that she cares?

Is that what it comes down to, my belief that she cares?  And if so, will I ever get there or will I fight it the whole way?  And if I'm supposed to trust my feelings, should I trust that they're right and I need to keep my guard up with her?  Crazy.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


I feel like I may be sliding into a depression.  Not getting that job is really feeding my negative self image, and then all my other bad thoughts are like dessert.  I'm trying to stop, I can actually visualize digging my heels in, but I'm getting tired, and each day something else is added on to it.  I try and be thankful for all my blessings, and I have a lot, but that only helps for a short while.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Did I Want to Make Two Appointments for Next Week?

What a silly question; of course I do!  In fact I would love to make seven appointments for next week.  Or maybe come and stay the weekend.  Or how about me moving in, I'm sure you have a spare room, and I promise not to eat too much!  But do you know what was sillier than the question?....the answer.  Which was a resounding, unequivocal, absolutely, positively,  'NO'.

After lots of hits and misses over the past 10 days, I had my session this morning.  Yesterday I was feeling guilty for being angry/hurt, I need to be more flexible, more forgiving.  Because of the weather (which I still blame her for!) our Wednesday morning session, and our next-best-time option of Wednesday evening didn't work, so she offered a Friday morning session.  But instead of appreciating her making time, I was just sort of pissy about it.  So, yesterday I started feeling guilty and I sent her a quick text thanking her for making time for me.  And about an hour later she sends me a response saying she's happy to make time for me.  Wow, totally blown away but that, at least for a while...and then I start questioning her 'realness'.  Man I am really crazy.

Another silly question, was I bothered by the weirdness and mis-connects this past week?  Of course not, no issue here.  I'm pretty sure she didn't believe that answer either

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Why Does My Emotional Reaction Always Trump My Intellectual Reaction?

So I have a really hard session and I'm feeling overwhelmed so I text my therapist (L) and tell her this.  Now first, I must say that she lets me text as much as I want, literally.  We've only started doing this in the past few months and it has helped my anxiety tremendously.  And I know that a lot of the things she does to support me, well, most therapists probably wouldn't.  Clearly nothing illegal or unethical, but just amazingly supportive.

Anyway, I text her and tell her I'm having a hard time.  I should also tell you that she gave me an extra 30 minutes during my session.  Usually we go 90 minutes, but she didn't have anyone after me so she let the session go longer.  She reponds and tells me if texting is helping relieve the anxity then 'text away', and if I want to come back in, she had time the following evening.  I then text back and tell her thanks and that I'll think (ruminate) about it.  She responds and says that she doesn't want me to ruminate, a favorite pasttime of mine, so she'll leave the time open for me, and I can cancel if I want.  Totally blown away by this.

The next day I get up and text her to say that if due to the weather, another snowstorm here, or if she was only going in to the office to see me, then she can feel free to cancel and I'll be ok with it. She responds and says she doesn't need to cancel.  So I go about my day, building up whatever it takes to get me to my evening appointment.  And then, about 2 hours before I get a text from her canceling the session; she's having car trouble and she's stuck in the city.  I'm crushed.  I respond with a simply 'ok, good luck with the car'.

I keep hoping to hear back that it was a quick fix and she could still keep the appointment; that didn't happen.  So the next day I keep hoping she'll check in on me; that didn't happen.  The next night, on the drive home from work I finally get the courage to send her a text and tell her how cancelling made me anxious.  It's not her fault, and I'm not telling her this in hopes she feels bad, but I'm just 'putting it out to the universe' in hopes of feeling better.  She replies less than a minute later 'I was just thinking about you....I have time Monday or Tuesday to see you'.  Once again, totally floored.  To know, and believe that she was thinking about me literally filled me with warmth.

I respond and tell her that I have some things going on in the morning on Monday, but I'd be done by 1:00pm.  Now I know that I didn't come right out and ask her for a session Monday afternoon, but I thought I had implied it.  I consciously choose not to come out and ask.....that's part of the reason I'm in therapy!! For whatever reason she doesn't pick up on my implication, and I don't hear from her all weekend. On Monday afternoon, at 1:15 I sent her a text telling her that I had the rest of the day free and did she have any time to meet.  I then play the game of checking my phone every 5 minutes, and each time I don't see a response, I get more and more.....I'm not sure, anxious, angry, hurt?  At nearly 9:00pm Monday night she responds saying she's sorry she didn't see my text until just now, and did I want to come in on Monday.  Me, being an adult, choose not to respond.

I text her at 5:30am the next morning, can't do Tuesday and probably need to cancel our usual Wednesday morning meeting.  We're are in the middle of another snowstorm and I'm pretty sure the roads will be too bad on Wednesday. She responds back that we can keep our Wednesday morning time, and if it's too bad maybe we can meet later on Wednesday.

So, why after all this, am I having a hard time.  She's done more than any therapist I've ever worked with.  But I'm still feeling withdrawn, mistrustful, angry, hurt.....guess that's why I'm in therapy