Randomness....is that a word?
It was a good session, not too many silences. I talked but I guess I didn't go deep enough, didn't connect on the level that makes me feel 'full'. I can hear her in my head 'say more'. The thing is I'm not sure how to accurately describe this feeling. Maybe it's like the difference between an appetizer...that you split with 8 people (hmm, or maybe 7 kids) and a really good satisfying meal? Maybe it's me being able to reveal more of myself? Maybe it's being able to calm my mind and share the quiet things?
How do I slow down my mind? It's like it almost goes black and I can only recollect more superficial stuff, just filler.
This is one of the reasons I reached out to her last week and asked for more time. The not-connecting leaves me floating, and anxious, alone in my head.
Maybe I should tell her about my reading therapy-related blogs/forums. Although I have talked to her a bit about some of the therapy-related books I've read.
Got high. Again
How hard it is/was deciding, or not deciding to send celia the link above. Or the thought of sharing/or not, my journal with her. Some sort of anger associated with not sharing.
Was I excluded from my mothers life?
What I think about or write about when I'm alone.
Melinda and I.
So just the trying to figure out whether or not to send Celia that link was anxiety provoking. But when I finally did my usual 'just rip the band-aid off' approach, then it was the waiting for her response that started me spinning. Usually when I find the guts to send something I find relief, just getting it out there and off my mind. And this time it did help as well, but Celia usually responds pretty quickly, within an hour or two, and that didn't happen. And the longer the day went on without a response the further I slid into anxiety and crazy beliefs. 'I'm bothering her. She doesn't have time to read such a long blog. Out of sight, out of mind (for both of us). What was I thinking, she's not gonna read this, maybe during our session but not during her own time.'
Maybe the wait was so bothersome because I left on Wednesday without feeling a deep connection, and now I wouldn't get the opportunity for another week. And what is that about? How pathetic to have such a need, and one that's hard to understand and even harder to explain.
We took Sam to a movie as a treat before she leaves for a week. I don't even remember it. I was so consumed with thought. I kept checking my phone over and over, but nothing. My logical mind trying to soothing my spiraling emotions. 'There are lots of reasons she has not responded, it doesn't mean anything other than she will when she can.' Unfortunately nothing really helped. Crazy.
I finally turned the sound off on my phone. The incessant waiting to hear the 'ding' of the text notification was driving me crazy. I knew I would sleep with one eye open, just listening, if I didn't turn it off. She did respond a little after midnight, I didn't notice the vibration of the phone. But I did wake up every hour with worry. 'Maybe I crossed some line. Maybe something happened to her. Maybe she was perturbed that I send such a long blog to read. Maybe after reading the blog she really did think I was crazy, and maybe even dangerous in a psychotic kind of way.'
We finally exchanged some texts this morning. I was hoping, although I didn't ask, she would offer a skype session for Monday. She didn't. Logically I know she's busy and it probably isn't a reflection of her want or willingness to skype with me, but it was still a let down. She asked me to write down what I was feeling and then send it to her. Not sure yet.
Do I try to put some distance between us, between me and my thoughts, between Celia and myself? Maybe as the weekend goes on the craving will lessen?
Why can't I send it to her? I want to, I want to keep the line of connection open, but I just can't seem to do it