Wednesday, January 14, 2015

She's back and I can't believe how good I feel.  Not too crazy good, and not manic good, but humming while I work good.  It's frustrating to still get the anxiety when I don't see her, although it clearly has gone down by leaps and bounds.  I have been going every other week since December and I was handling it well, including over the holidays.  So this time caught me a little off guard.  Still very familiar though.  Maybe it was cause she was actually 'away' in Florida with her daughter.  She was still very much reachable and we exchanged a few texts over the 10 days she was gone. But anxiety continued to rear it's ugly head. although on a scale of one to ten it probably got as high as a six, so that's that too bad, at least in comparison to other times.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Why is she always on my mind?  Why do I want to know everything about her? What kind of tooth paste, where did she have dinner last night, what is her morning routine?  Why am I constantly wondering 'wonder what L is doing right now'? I bet she would tell me to just ask her, text her when it comes up.  But I'm afraid I'll probably use up all of her data minutes. And also that she'd really know the extent of my obsession.

But why?  It's definitely mother-crap.  In my nearly-50 years I have become obsessed/infatuated with a few other women.  I do remember this happening with my 1st grade teacher, a co-worker when I was in my early twenties, and my first therapist when I was in my early twenties.  In fact the obsession/infatuation with my co-worker is what led me to seek therapy in the first place. Although it was shrouded by depression and complicated by my finally accepting my sexuality so I certainly wasn't tackling my attachment stuff head on then.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Sent L a text over 2 days ago and I haven't heard back.  It wasn't anything earth shattering, it was anything that she technically needed to respond to, but it's throwing me for a bit of a loop.  Not a major loop, but certainly one that convinced me to take some Vitamin 'A' (ativan) last night.  I pulled away from my family and spent the night reading, 'A Thousand Splendid Suns'.

Of course logically I have it under control, let's see......she didn't get the text, she did get the text but I didn't get her response, she did get the text but then her phone died and after recharging it she forgot to reply, or she thought she replied but forgot to hit the send button, she lost her phone

She's now gone til the 13th.  Not too far, certainly reachable by phone and within the same time zone.  I guess it's just the old abandonment crap again....still.

Friday, January 2, 2015

I wonder it this is what asthma feels like? Like you can't get your breath? That you just can't get enough air.

Haven't really had an anxiety attack in a few weeks, was able to get thru the holidays and even get thru seeing L only every couple weeks.  Been doing ok, but now it's reared it's ugly head a bit.

I'm sure it's because L is going away for a week, even though with me going every other week I wouldn't have technically missed my session, it's still throwing me.

We had a really good conversation a few weeks ago.  Talked alot about need, and boundaries, and Facebook...etc.

But now I'm back feeling like I can't get enough, and will never get enough....of her?