Thursday, January 14, 2016

Good, helpful, lots  of realizations to process.

I think C is right that L treats me, and has treated more as more of a friend than a therapist.  I sort of knew that, but loved/love feeling special to her.  And it doesn't necessarily take away all the good work L and I did, cause I know we did, but it didn't help me so much with the maternal transference crap.

It's a fine line that a therapist has to walk.  C says that most therapists, the good ones, do love their clients.  And she says that L did/does love me.  Of course I am still questioning L's love for me, but maybe that's just the hurt feelings.  Anyway, C says that L's love for me crossed the therapeutic line, the framework.  And that is probably one of the many reasons why I'm having a hard time right now.
No doubt that I lacked maternal care/unconditional love/support growing up, and I have always looked for it.  And C thinks L came close to fulfilling those needs.  But instead of letting me explore what those feelings meant to me and where they came from I think she wanted to soothe me more.

I think one of L's goals for me was to 'normalize' feelings and thoughts for me.  So I think that was part of the reason our relationship morphed into what it was.  She would support me then would introduce her thoughts/feelings and life and experiences into our conversations.  Of course it feed into my want of being special.  She shared many things with me.  She even said that outside of her kids, I was the only other person, at the time, with whom she told of her heart attack last year.  I'm sure she has shared it with others by now, but I was touched, and confused a bit by that revelation.

Another interesting point, correlation was how, as a kid, my mother would always/often put her needs above mine.  And of course as a somewhat rational adult I tell myself that she raised 7 kids and I'm sure she was often overwhelmed.  I was number 6 of 7 so I don't think she had much left to give when it got to me.  And that may all be true, but it still sucked for me. So now, with L instead of examining my thoughts and feelings regarding the termination of our therapy I put on my adult/rational hat (oh she had a heart attack, she's having tons of financial problems, it will be hard for her to change jobs...etc) and we never get to my deep thoughts and triggers of loss.

More to process...stay tuned!

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