Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I need to figure what to do so I thought I try writing out my crazy thoughts.

I know my reaction was irrational.  Well I think I know.

How can I talk to her about why I can't talk to her.  She said that she wonders if I'm angry at her and my not talking is sort of a 'fuck you'.  She's probably right. 

I'm sick of reacting this way.  I'm sick of needing her. 

I bet she's thinking that because she 'knows me' that I'll be sending her some pathetic text shortly. Well I can play that game, and I won't!

And I haven't been ruminating for a while, but looks like that short stint might be over.

I don't like that she has 'power' over me.  I hate how nonchalantly, without even looking up at me, she made known her upcoming plans known.  I wanted to have the same blaise reaction.

Part of me wants to write that pathetic text, part of me doesn't.  I'm trying to make a deal with myself that I'll hold off on texting until tomorrow and if I still feel crappy I will contact her.  That sounds almost rational except if there was a possibility of seeing her tomorrow I would have to set up that time today.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Sitting at the shop missing L right now. Which really is nothing unusual, but it's still frustrating. I just don't understand it. I see her at least once a week, sometimes twice, I can call or text her as much as I like, which I don't, but still the craving continues.


I told her last week it's some sort of fear, at least that's what it feels like, both physically and mentally. I'm not quite sure what I'm afraid of, and she is always reassuring me that she's not going anywhere, but still the fear persists.

I can feel it in my stomach, my shoulders, and in my throat.

Why? Or better yet, how do I make it go away?

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I had this quick text exchange from L today.  It was after I had just left my session with her.  The session was ok, nothing too deep, she's trying to get me to 'feel' or 'accept' that things are going pretty well in my life., and for some reason I can't, or I'm not willing to.
We talked alot about the shop and how it's going, and all the people I've met.  We also talked about Denis Leary, and Sean Penn, and Peter Wolf!

But anyway here's the text and I'm not sure what I meant.....

Me: Needed more. More what?  and why?
L: Not sure, willing to give more
Me: Thanks but I think I'm the one who's supposed to give more.  Or maybe give-up something.
L: Good Thought

Wish I understood more of what I meant.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

I have attempted to blog so many times but something always derails me, but I can't tell you how I've missed it and missed interactions with my online 'peeps'! So this may be short, although there's so much to tell, but I figure if I keep it short I'll have a better chance of finishing it.

I'll start with the shop; it's doing well.  We had a great month of July and August has started off even stronger.  Don't get me wrong, we certainly can't survive off of it yet, and we haven't even gone through a New England winter, but we're getting lots of positive feedback and even more return customers.

It's also lots of work. I typically get to the shop around 10:30 in the morning and I don't get home until 10:00 at night, and I'm working 6, if not 7 days a week.  But I'm not complaining, I knew it would be like this for a while (until me make our first million and can hire fulltime staff while we travel the world!!) and I always remind myself that I make hot fudge sundaes for a living now!

It's strange, as much trouble I have with attachent/connection/trust I really love interacting with people all day.....well at least most people, working with john-q public has its challenges as well.  But overall I've meet some interesting people with some amazing stories. And I love dealing with the kids they are so much fun!

In other news, our daughter, who's now 6 is really enjoying her first summer up here. We've made friends with a family that have a 7 year old girl and so we've gone on a few outings. She loved her new school and is looking forward to starting 1st grade.  I still can't believe how much she's grown so I'm trying to enjoy her as much as I can and thanks to some good therapy I'm able to stay very present with her!

Things with my parter M and I have been a bit strained over the past few months. Between her cancer diagnosis, surgery, quitting her job, moving...etc it's been a difficult time for her. Our relationship has had some really good highs but unfortunately the lows have been worst. We were seeing L for couples counseling prior to moving but we stopped because life got to crazy and logistically it's very difficult for both of us to see L as a couple.  But this past weekend we had a really, really bad low so I'm going to talk to L about figuring out a way to see her again, and if we can't make something work then we'll look for someone local.

My therapy with L has been all over the place as well......but unfortunately I'm off to the shop now so I'll have to finish this later.

Monday, May 14, 2012

It's quiet here at the shop today, a little cold and rainy which tends to squelch folks desire for ice cream. But that's ok, I don't mind the quiet day. Business has been pretty good so I really can't complain. And when I'm not worried about finances, and overwhelmed by the changes going on, I really enjoy being at the shop. We've gotten tons of compliments, from the changes to the decor, to the service, to the awesome ice cream we serve. I knew I loved the ice cream, but it's so great to hear it from others. At home we finally have moved the last of our stuff into our new place. But we're still living in chaos and there are boxes piled high everywhere. Our new house is much smaller than our old house, and we just have way too much stuff. I'm hoping this forces us to live a much is simpler life. M is feeling much better. Her surgery went well but the recovery was horrible. She couldn't keep any food down for days. The doctors aren't sure if it was the anesthesia or the antibiotics or the pain meds that we're giving her problems. But happily she's doing much better. Although it's gonna take a while to get her synthroid levels correct. And she still has radiation at the end of this month to get through. I did see L last Friday. I was there for over 2 hours, and it went pretty well. I had so much to catch her up on, and I couldn't believe how the time flew. But even though it was really great to see her, I still left wanting more. Unfortunately we never had 'that' conversation, and the want has increased over the past few days. After reading a fellow bloggers recommended post this morning I was able to work up the courage to send a needy text, to which she quickly responded. Telling me how wonderful it was to see me last week and that she's still here and I can call or text as much as I like. She said she likes hearing from me. The texting did help, but only a bit. I still want to share more with her but right now I'm holding back, hoping it passes. Or that I can hold on until I see her on Friday.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

I finally get to see L tomorrow morning. I think it's been about 3 weeks since I last saw her. We've exchange a couple of short texts, and one sort-of smarmy text from me. I was pissed/ticked that with all the changes going on in my life that she hadn't checked in on me at all. At the same time I know how childish it was, but I did feel better after my childish rant. I'm trying not to expect too much from tomorrow, but I really need something from her, but I'm not sure how to describe it. I guess I'll just come out and say it.....I want to feel her love, her caring. I need to feel the realness of it, but I'm so afraid I won't. And I I won't because either I won't let myself feel/believe it, or it really just doesn't exist. I was thinking of texting her today to tell her that I'm looking forward to seeing her tomorrow,and I need her to be phenomenal, but I'm thinking that maybe too much pressure to put on her. Not to mention that if I tell her upfront the I'll question her sincerity......damn I'm crazy.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

I guess I'm having a mini tantrum right now, but it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to!!  I haven't seen L in nearly 2 weeks, and she hasn't reached out to me at all.  And of course I know she's not supposed to, but knowing that doesn't make me feel any better.

I want to contact her, but I more want her to contact me! I'm the one going through multiple life changing events and if she cared she just sent a quick text.  I did breakdown last week and send her a picture of the new sign for the shop, and she did respond, sending me 'good karma' for the Friday opening, but that's been it. 

Nothing.  No call, no email, no text. 

I could be dead on the side of the road for all she knows.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Sorry I've been a bad blogger lately, and although I have a lot of really good excuses (dog ate my keyboard, forgot my password....) my friends of blog-nation have been in my thoughts!

So, in no particular order...

I'm at the shop right now, and it's been crazy.  So much to do, so little time.  We open this Friday and there's so many little things that still need to be done.  Washing all the candy jars, getting the plumber in (one last time!!), ordering t-shirts, chasing down the sign-guy, hiring students, setting up the cash register, figuring out payroll, buying insurance.....the list goes on. 

Yesterday all the ice cream got delivered, over 70 3-gallon tubs, making up 30+ flavors!  And wouldn't you know I came in this morning and we had lost power, luckily it lasted less than 30 minutes, but I was just about to start panicking!!

Today all the candy arrived, about 300 pounds worth.  Now all I have to do is finishing washing 100 candy jars.

My partner M had surgery last Friday.  She was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer about a month ago so they had to take her whole thyroid out.  The surgery went really well, but the after affects have been horrible.  She hasn't been able to keep any food day.  They kept her in the hospital an extra day so they could fool with her meds to see if they could figure out what's going on.  As of right now she hasn't gotten sick for over 12 hours, so that's a good thing.  But she's simply wiped out.  So I've been going back and forth the 100 miles, because she's recouping in our old house, cause our daughter still has one week of school before she moves up to our new place.Luckily M's niece from Virginia has come up to stay for a week or two to help out.  She really has been a godsend. 

We go see the Endocrinologist this afternoon to figure out the treatment plan is, let's hope M is feeling better today.

As for therapy, well I guess that's a whole other topic, and I don't have much time to go into it.  I haven't seen L in about a week, just too busy.  I'm feeling very disconnected, and have been doubting our relationship, or whatever it's called. We don't have another appointment scheduled, and suffice to say I'm testing her to see if she call/text and check in on me.  I bet she doesn't pass this test......and yes, I know it's not fair. 

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

I'm still not feeling connected to L.  Saw her this morning and I didn't say much, and even the things I did talk about weren't really in depth; I could have talked about them with anyone.

I was very tired though.  Lately I've been going to bed exhausted, falling asleep, and then wake up around 1:00/2:00am and then I can't get back to sleep, too much thinking going on.  I'm assuming that's why L didn't push me for much, again.  I guess I want her to push, it means she cares (yes, I know how twisted that thinking is).

A good friend died the other day and her funeral was yesterday.  I felt a little 'spacey' yesterday.  I think death and funerals do that to me.  It's just that it takes me a long time to process it.  It's so weird that one day someone can be talking to you, and the next day they're gone.

The surrealness of the whole day was enhanced because my friend was no longer in my day-to-day life as she once was, and the people who were her friends and family are no longer in my day-to-day life, as they once were. They were all part of a life that I once had, almost 20 years ago, with my first partner..  That relationship ended badly, and because I was the one that ended it, many of our mutual friends (and even some of my own family) chose to 'side' with my ex.  For some reason people feel the need to make a choice on 'who was right', but not T, my friend who died.  She stayed friends with me (and my ex) and supported me the whole time.  She was the one strong link that I had to my old life.

As sad, and as wrong as yesterday was, it was good to see some old friends, but it certainly gets a person thinking about their own immortality. 

M finally has a date for surgery.  She will have her thyroid removed on April 20th.  I'm glad we finally can start moving forward, as scary as it all seems.  She is feeling pretty well, but of course she's nervous about the surgery.  Because the surgeon is also a plastic surgeon she asked him if he could do a face lift while he was in there!!!  He said no, but he'll do a good job hiding the scar.

I have this strange want/need to text L and tell her that I want to talk a break from therapy.  The only thing that stopping me is I also know that's not what I really want.  What the hell is going on?  Although it makes sense that maybe I'm feeling distant from because I'm moving, but it doesn't 'feel' like the reason.  I'm still very saddened by this, like I've lost something.  I've lost the connection to her and I'm not working to get it back.  Why?  Do I just assume that it's gone for good? 

I know this is all over the place, but I guess that's how I feel.  And there's so much more I could whine about, but I'm too tired right now.

Oh, I forgot, things with the ice cream shop are moving along.  Spent the whole weekend painting the shop with the help of some friends.  Looking good, but still more to go.  Also met with a payroll processing company, former shop manager, web site designer, and paper/plastic supplier.  It's amazing how things you have to do to open a business.  And don't get me started on credit card processing companies.  I think they try extra hard to make it confusing.

It's also my last week of week, finally.  Although I feel really bad about leaving my team, I am happy that we're finally doing this.  It's still scary and exciting all at the same time

Friday, March 23, 2012

I think I'm just writing this so I can get it out.  I really wish I could call L, actually I could, but I wouldn't know what to say, sort of.  It was only the last few minutes (of our 90 minute appointment) that I was able to tell her a little bit of what has been going on in my head the past few weeks.  She said she hasn't been pushing for me to talk as hard as she normally would because she wants me to stay focused on all the things that are going on in my 'real' life. She said that I only have so much energy to give so she doesn't want to drain me too much.

It's strange that the person you want to talk to is the person you can't talk to.  It's the old, familiar push-pull thing again.

Why, if I know this dance so well, do I continue to do it? And even right now, as I am trying to force myself to open up and talk to her

There's a part that wants me to keep holding back, but then there's also this huge part that just wants to sit in her office and discuss all of it.

I want to ask her how she feels about me, am I important? I want her to know how important she is to me, even if sometimes I seem distant, it's really not how I feel about her.

I want to tell her that I often wish she would hold me, like a mother with a child. 

I want to tell her that I felt a twinge of jealousy today when I was leaving and another client came in.

I want to tell her that I hate being called a client.

I want to tell her that I hated it today when she said she had 'spots available'.

I wrote the above the other day, and once again so much has happened between then and now.

First, I did see L this morning and I was able to tell her a little bit more.  It's hard because none of this makes sense to me.  The loss of intensity is confusing and trying to understand it is only making it worse.  And unfortunately in her prodding I took something she suggested in a negative way

I got word yesterday that a close friend has only weeks to live.  She was diagnosed with liver cancer and started treatments in December but she was told on Tuesday that the treatments weren't working.  She was presented with the options of a whole new round of chemo, going on a trial, or calling in hospice.  After about 3 days she decided hospice is what was best for her.

I went and saw her for a couple of hours today. I tried to be a good distraction, telling stories of ice cream shops and quitting my job, and I think it lightened the mood of the house, atleast for a while.  But when I hugged her good bye and told her I'll be back on Sunday (with ice cream!!) I told her 'I love you'.  It was so out of character for me, but it also felt like me. 

After my session with L I sent her this text:

M:  I need to ramble some more, sorry I'm taking the easier way out with texting it.....I guess without the intensity I question the reality, or what I thought was the's tough to accept that I'm just a 'client' although I guess there's really nothing else that fits.  And one would think that you being so flexible and supportive would be (or should be) enough for me, but suggesting (although not outright recommending) that an option would be to see someone else just feeds my thinking....I know that wasn't your now I'm fishing, I want you to give feedback on a question (or two) that I can't seem to outright ask please don't.  Sorry for the catch-22, maybe I'm just trying to get some of the intensity back?  Cause I know I'm gonna die a thousand deaths knowing I sent this?

L: I was not    I was not suggesting you see someone else, I was just probing you to understand your not feeling connected.  I do not want to stop working with you.  I am sorry if that was projected.  I believe that we have done extraordinary work together and I am so glad and encouraged that you texted.  Intensity we need to understand better and we will.

Me:  Hey, you weren't supposed to time I'll have you sit on your hands before you start reading....hopefully you won't be driving....But thanks, it's much appreciated.

I keep reading and rereading our exchange; it felt good.....and I haven't quite died a thousand deaths.....yet.

Monday, March 19, 2012

It's not that I haven't wanted to post, I really have, but I hate to sound like I'm whinning, which I'm not, although it sort of feels like it.

Once again, let's start with the 'easier' stuff....

First, we accepted an offer on the house!!!  Totally amazing that in less than a week on the market.  Although we're still taking a bath on it, but atleast we get to walk away free and clear.  It's so huge to have that weight off our shoulders.  The buyer's inspection is tomorrow, and assuming that they don't find anything too horrendous, we have a tentative close on the house for April 27th.

It's hard to believe that in just a little more than a month we'll be in a completely different environment.  Our daughter is very excited about the move, which is another huge weight off our shoulders.  We took her shopping yesterday to get a new bedroom set for her.  It's her birthday present and it adds to the excitement and the anticipation of moving. 

We also finally closed on the shop on Friday, we're now finally the official owners.  As with most types of closings, there is something that usually goes wrong, and our case wasn't any different.  It had to do with getting an insurance binder, but at the last hour we were able to pull it out.  It was more to do with paperwork than anything else, but it still would have stopped us from signing. 

In addition to buying a new bed for our daughter, we also purchased some old-tyme pendant lamps that will hang over the 'bar' at the ice cream shoppe.  I think they'll look really cool and will add to the old fashioned, yet very hip look that we're going for.  Can't wait to hang them!!

As for the whinny stuff, as usual it has to do with counseling. I'm still feeling distant or adrift from L.  I'm not sure if I'm doing it on purpose, or as one reader suggested that I've just got so much going on right now.  And as strange as this sounds, I sort of miss obsessing about her.  Why would that be?

I've felt such a closeness and a bond with her, but I feel like it's slipping away now and I'm afraid I won't get it back.  And no, I haven't talked to here about it, although I've dropped hints, and I get the feeling that she's purposely not trying to pull this out of me in hopes that I can do it all by myself.

Because I will be moving about 100 miles away and I will be a small business owner I won't be able to see her as often as I can right now.  And we've talked about this a bit and she's willing to be as accomodating as she can to meet my crazy schedule.  In fact because she owns a vacation home in the area she's willing to meet on the weekends during the summer when she's up there.  And this is all good and I'm really not that freaked out about it, which is a bit strange for me.  I'm so suprised that I'm not obsessing about it, but I'm not, I'm ok with it.  But at the same time, the 'not obsessing' is a little unsettling. 

I don't feel particularly angry with her, but something definitely is going on for me, just not sure what.  Can I obsess about not obsessing???

I know this doesn't make any sense, and that's probably why I haven't been able to talk about it with her.  I don't feel comfortable discussing things unless I've got a good understanding or a good handle on it, and such is the case with this. 

We were talking the other day and I told her it felt like our conversation seemed like one that a parent would have with a child as they are going off to college.  I jokingly told her she couldn't give my 'room' to anyone, and no turning it into a 'guest room' or 'an office'. 

Maybe the feelings are just bittersweet stuff?  Maybe I am growing up and moving out?

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

In my head, I've started writing an update about a dozen times, but at the same time I'm not sure I can finish a complete thought.  I think a lot of it has to do with the current state of my life.  Basically it's all over the place.  Don't misunderstand me though, I know I've put myself in this situation, but there's a hell of a lot of changes going on in my life, so I'm a bit all over the place.  Although strangely, at the same time, it also feels pretty good.  Scary, but good. 

Let's see, we'll start with the 'easy' external stuff.  Our house is on the market, and man is it ever stressful.  We've had to clean and declutter, which is simply exhausting.  The good news is that at least that part is done, and we're getting a lot of foot traffic, and rumor has it we may get a written offer today.  But the hard part is keeping the house looking 'pristine' all the time, and not being home while people traipse through our house.  This weekend M was out of town visiting her dad so I had to keep loading up the kid and the dog in the car and find things to keep us all occupied for short amounts of time. 

Mostly it's an inconvenience, and I hope it's over soon!!!

As for the hard internal stuff, well, it's been hard, or maybe 'different' is a better word. I feel like something is changing and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.  Last weekend I heard a quote from somewhere (maybe a movie??) that goes 'When God wants to punish you, he answers your prayers'.  And I'm wondering if my 'prayers' regarding therapy and L are being answered.  Lately I feel like she's less important to me.  I'm not all wrapped-up in thought about her or therapy.

Now I know that I've said to her in the past, usually out of fear or frustration, that why can't our relationship be more like the one I have with my dentist?  But now that maybe it's starting to happen, I'm not sure I'm on board with it.

For example, part of this whole-life-changing-mid-life-crises-what-the-hell-am-I-thinking-buying-an-ice-cream-shop-and-moving-my-family-100-miles-away, has been the obvious realization that I will be quitting my job.  I've been working in this industry for over 20 years, and of course I'm sick of it, but it's how I make my living.  So although I knew I would quit my job, the hope was that I could somehow get laid off.  You see if I quit I can't collect unemployment if I ever need to, but if I get laid off, then I can. 

So a whole series of (strange) events led me to be in a position last week in which it would make sense for me to go in to HR and ask to get laid off.  I can't tell them I'm leaving to open an ice cream shop, so I needed a different justification for asking to be let go.  And much to my surprise, they agreed! Not only did they agree, but we're working out a 'seperation' package as well, which will my make me and my families life a bit easier, at least for awhile.

Anyway, it's a really long story, but after my conversation with HR I came back to my office and called my wife up.  She was also the only person I talked to before going to see HR.  It really was a whirlwind of events that led me to HR, and M was with me the whole way. 

But what was also interesting is that I didn't have a burning want (which always feels like a need) to reach and tell L.  And it's not that I was ticked with her or holding back on purpose, it just wasn't a driving force.  And for some reason I'm also not feeling particularly 'close' to her right now.  I'm sure some of it has to do with M and I and some things between the two of us that we've been dealing with.  And honestly that's all good.

I guess I'm not really sure what I'm saying.  Everything has been thrown up in the air and instead of feeling totally excited with all these good changes, I'm feeling a little........well I'm not quite sure.  I think there are about a 1,000 different words I could use.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Man, this therapy-stuff is hard, and if I'm gonna take what I learn and experience in therapy out to the real world, well that is hard too!

It's been a long, almost surreal week, especially dealing with all this feeling-crap, and getting myself to talk.  In some respects I feel like I've moved mountains, but then again, at the same time I feel almost childlike. 

M and I have had some pretty intense discussions, and although maybe nothing 'tangible' has changed, something has changed, or at least shifted, and that's a good thing.  But honestly, there's also a part of me that is scared of this shift.  Can I actually maintain this level of communication and honesty?

I've also been a lot more open with L this week.  And then the same question 'Can I actually maintain this level of communication and honesty'?

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I would never consider myself to be a 'talker', and I'm pretty sure people who know me would agree.  And although it may appear that I talk about a lot of things with L, honestly she spends more time talking than I do.  She does an excellent job pulling things from me and I know I wouldn't have gotten this far if she was a blank-slate, or waited for me to take the lead.

The texting has helped me tremendously as well.  Don't get me wrong, texting has led to some missteps and misunderstandings, but I think the good as outweighed the bad, at least for me. 

I know it's hard for her sometimes, trying to maintain a balance of giving me my own space and allowing me to take my time, versus pushing me  to talk.  It's not always perfect, but like I said, I don't think I would have gotten this far if her approach was different.  And today was a good example of that. 

Because I'm not quite sure yet if I'm going to die of embarrassment or not over what we talked about, I'm not going to go in to much detail.  But suffice to say that I was able to share my 'authentic' thoughts that I wrote about in my last post. 

It took a while, I certainly didn't come up with guns-a-blazing, and she was actually ticking me off a bit at first. 

You see we had couples counseling, M and I, yesterday, and it was horrible.  She, meanin L, pushed and I retreated.  I think I said all of 10 sentences, and most of them were 'I don't know'.  However, what I saw and experienced yesterday was M's reaction to my retreating, and it wasn't pretty, I was such a jerk.  It took me until we were driving home that I was able to tell M what was going on for me. 

Once again, I'm not going in to much detail, but as I am an Irish-Catholic-Lesbian I am the epitome of guilt.  I even have guilt over the guilt!  Lucky for me I'm also a wise-ass, sarcastic bi-atch, so I can usually hide my guilt/shame very well, and that's what happened yesterday.  I feel such shame and embarrassment over some things that I either retreat or lash-out, and in some cases I do both.  This weekend I did both!

But, on an 'up' note, I as able to talk about some of it with M.  We still have a long ways to go with this, but at least it's out there.  It sort of now feels a little like we're on the same side instead of resenting or working against each other.  All good stuff.  Hard, but good. 

So when I got to L's today for my session she didn't know what had transpired after we left her office.  She didn't know that I was able to tell M some of what was going through my head.  So once again she started pushing again, and I started retreating a little bit.  I was also using the retreating as a 'reason' not to tell her what the source of my discomfort/shame/embarrassment was.  But she backed off a bit (a LITTLE bit) and after a couple of false starts I knew I wanted to get this out on the table, so I started with the blogging around 'being authentic', and some thoughts I had, and how it impacted my weekend with M, and what 'demons' we(I) still have to uncover. 

I know if I were L I'd be thinking what a great session we had, and how far I've come.  I'm 46 years old, I have been in therapy off-and-on for probably 15 years, and there are so many topics that I've never discussed.  But today I can check off one of them.  But I'm not L, and part of me is a little bit afraid of having been so open today.  But I'd also be lying if said I didn't feel better, cause I think I do.  At least for today, for right now.........there's always tomorrow!

Friday, February 24, 2012

After reading a fellow bloggers questions regarding being authentic, these thoughts came to mind....

If I was being my authentic self in therapy I would:

- Tell L that I am constantly struggling to maintain a connection with her.  Sometimes I google her, check out her profile picture on facebook, wonder what she's doing ....etc

- I would tell her that the only comparison I have for the 'feelings of wanting more' in therapy is like sex.  When I experience an orgasm during sex, the overwhelming feeling of satisfaction/completeness/contentedness is similar to the feeling I get when I 'get enough' in therapy.  And when I leave a session feeling like I didn't get enough, it's like having sex without reaching an orgasm.  Both of course feel nice, just not complete, and wanting more.

Good thing I don't plan on being truly authentic for a while.....

Thursday, February 23, 2012

I'm not sure if I haven't been posting for the past week because I haven't felt the need to, I haven't wanted to, I've been too busy, or I'm avoiding something.  Or maybe a combination of all of them.

The stuff with L really sent me for a loop, and I've lost some ground with her in the trusting department.  Although, at the same time it's forced me to share things and talk about things that I probably never would have discuss if this didn't happen.  I even said outloud the other day 'I'm not sure if I hate you or love you....'. 

Intellectually I know that there's a huge benefit to having ruptures, especially when you can work through them and come out on the other side, and I'm hoping that's the case with this one.  We've been talking about this over and over again. In fact I saw her 3 times last week, each being 90 minute sessions.  And I think we've worked through a lot of it, but I know there's still more there, and I also know some things will just take time. 

We exchanged these texts after this morning's session:

Me:  Funny, I leave with a feeling of wanting more, but when I do get it I freak wonder I need help

L:  You're ok, all this will balance out at some point I promise.  It's about accepting trusting and believing that you deserve it.

Me: Thanks...ya know I don't think I ever REALLY hated you.....although I still reserve the right to

L:  That right is yours and it's ok with me

Me:  Stop being so freakin' supportive

L:  No

Me: Thanks

As for the ice cream shop, things are moving along.  Who knew there was so much to do when starting a business??!!! Just in the past 2 weeks we've:  started working with a marketing guy for our logo and website, attended a QuickBooks training class, attended a food handling certification class, signed a lease for a house, spoke with insurance companies, spoke with credit card companies, spoke with shipping companies, met with our ice cream distributor and assessed the layout of the shop, painted/decluttered current home....and I'm sure I've forgotten a few things!  Oh, and held down a full time job while doing all this!!

We've agreed to a March 15th closing date, so the time is approaching fast.  Initially we were thinking of an opening date of May 4th, but we're going to try and push that up by at least 2 weeks, maybe even 4 works.  But there's still a lot to do between now and then, so for right now, along with everything else, it's a wait-and-see.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The past weekend I couldn't shake the feeling of being concerned about L offering us her house.  I was so afraid that she had crossed a line that she really shouldn't have. I was worried that it would turn out that this wasn't a 'safe' relationship for me.  After stewing about it Friday night and most of the day on Saturday, I sent her this text Saturday afternoon:

Me:  You can't get all weird on me, ok?  That's my job.

she replied with:

L:  Ok, I won't

then followed by:

L: I don't think that's your job anymore, at least not your full time job

and then:

Me:  Funny......

Yesterday was couples therapy, or at least it was supposed to be. 

I was on my way when M called to tell me her car battery was dead, and asked if I could come pick her up.  Normally I would have been able to, but I had left work early so I could do some pre-Valentines shopping before our session, so I didn't get M's message until I was near L's office.  But M had also called triple-A, and the hope was they could come jump her car and she would just be a little late to L's. So I went solo

I wasn't prepared.  Normally I just try and survive couple's therapy.  But it's hard to avoid the spotlight in couple's therapy if you're the only one there....

I'm scared.  I'm scared of my own feelings and the intensity.  What if they're unhealthy?  What if L is trying to foster an unhealthy relationship.

I've very vigilant (some may say judgemental) about getting a 'sense' about people.  I typically come from a stance that people can't be trusted, sort of like 'guilty until proven innocent'.  I'm sure it's probably not fair, but it is what it is, and I'm not willing to change.  Although I am more aware of it, so I try to give people more of the benefit of the doubt, but I'm not always successful with that.

I'm also aware that a lot of my distrust comes from my past, and my instincts are influenced by certain events.

L and I talked it through, or atleast as much I could at the time, and  I mostly feel better, but not completely.  And at the same time I still want to be even more open with her.  That is very different for me.  Although I'm still not sure if that's good or bad.

There's more I really want to write, but I'm retreating a bit.  I think I'm just trying to find my footing again.

Monday, February 13, 2012

I want to tell you that I hate you for this right now, and at the same time I want to run towards you.  I need you to be normal.  I need you to read my mind.  I need you to know when to offer me the world and when to hang back and wait for me to catch up. 

Please don't be one of those people.  I don't want to hate you, I want to trust you.  But I know I'll never be able to forcefully silence the voice, and I wouldn't want to.  But I don't want the voice to be right.  Were you trying to convince me today, or were you being honest?

I also hate that I don't get tomorrow, I was not ready for today, it wasn't supposed to be about me today.  And now  because of that I'm thrown.  I could ask for tomorrow back, I know I could, but the voice doesn't want me to, I think. 

I don't want to be in this place.  Do I keep myself in this place?  That way I can avoid other things. Or is it valid?

Why to I attach other things to it?  Why do I read into it so much? Am I looking for something, and I won't stop until I find it?  Ah-ha, I knew you couldn't be trusted, I should have trusted my instincts.  I mean, eventually everyone will screw up.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Strange that I'm writing this, cause I actually don't want to write, sort of........clear as mud!

I saw L this morning and I'm not sure what was going on for me, but somewhere towards the end I simply started to retreat into myself.  It wasn't really something that was talked about, or really how I was feeling going today, although I didn't take my coat off the whole time, all 90+ minutes.  It's not unusual for me to start with my coat on, but usually after a bit of warm-up time I eventually take it off, but not today.

I really don't think I was bothered by anything in particular, and it was all pretty lite stuff that we discussed.  And I wonder if that's what bothered me, it was too light?

After my session the other day I sent her this text:

Me: So it's happening again, maybe it's just the usual post-session hangover, but the ache/longing crap is back (did it ever leave?) and I don't know why.  Said what I wanted to say, but now I can't figure out how to make it until Friday.  Silly?  Yes, but it doesn't make it less real.  Gotta get a hobby.

L:  Maybe we were not deep enough on issues for you today?

Me: Sometimes it feels like it will never be deep enough, but when I think about that too much it makes my head hurt!  Like I'm chasing my tail.  I think I just need to hydrate (maybe some choc milk to help the hangover)

L:  That's what the experts say

BTW, the reference to choc milk was a brief discussion today on what cures a hangover!

So the other day I talked a lot, was open, and fairly pointed, at least by my standards.  And when I do that I leave wanting more.  Today, for no apparent reason I retreat and I'm not sure how I feel right now.

I think I'm a bit sad about it, like I lost some sort of opportunity, but I'm not totally overwhelmed by it.

Maybe I just need to stop analyzing myself so much?

She did ask if I was still affected by the whole 'house-thing', but I shook my head no, and honestly don't think I am. 

I sometimes wonder if I don't want her to think I'm feeling ok because then she won't care.

Good thing normal wasn't my goal.....

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Maybe I am getting better, slowly of course, at this whole talking-relationship stuff.

On the drive to L's yesterday I knew (consciously) that there were 2 issues I wanted to talk about.  I certainly needed to bring up the thing about L letting us use her vacation home if we got into a bind.  Although I know I 'needed' to, I definitely didn't 'want' to.  I just want the whole therapy-thing to feel like a normal relationship, whatever that means of course.  So if a friend offered to lend us their house I would just want to be appreciative and certainly keep it open as an option.  But with L 'normal' never plays into the relationship (at least in my mind).

But I also knew I needed (not wanted) to talk about stuff that was going on at home, things that M and I are dealing with right now, and how I'm perceiving things.  Because I'm letting it all fester in my head I'm getting angrier and angrier at M, and she doesn't even know it. 

The first thing L asks me when I sit down (coat still on of course) is how was my anxiety over the weekend.  Her asking me this made me think that she knew I was somehow bothered about the house-thing and this was her way of asking.  But the funny thing is, I didn't have anxiety over it.  I mean it bothered me, but normally (there's that word again) something like that would send me into a tailspin, I would be lost in thought and removed until the next time I saw her.  But that didn't happen, in fact I got alot done this past weekend and even enjoyed a Super Bowl party at my brother's house.

So instead of taking her lead, I started with the stuff that has been happening at home.  It's been very stressful, all this life changing stuff, and sometimes M and I aren't on the same page.  So instead of talking to her about it over the weekend, I just tried to stuff it down/avoid/keep myself busy.  But I know I could feel myself getting resentful.

We talked about that for quite some time. 

But then I started to become aware of the time.  We usually meet for 90 minutes, and you would think that would be more than enough time for me, but I waste too much of it, so it's never enough. 

I knew I had to say something, so I started to, in my usual round-about way.  It's not often that I start talking about something right away.  Usual I have to have some sort of starter-story, and this time was no different.  I first start with making her promise that she couldn't say anything, she couldn't take back anything she said, she couldn't try and make me feel better.  Nothing.  And trust, it's VERY difficult for L not to say anything.

She promised she wouldn't say a word.  She even sat on her hands!

And I just blurted it out.

I said that I had sort of been bothered by the whole house-lending-thing last Friday.  She broke her promise and said 'I figured that would bother you'.  I then chastised her for talking and responding that yes it did bother me, but it didn't overwhelm like it normally would have. 

I told her about the dream I had with her son.  In the dream her son didn't know we were renting the place, so he was surprised to find us there when he showed up over the weekend.  I introduced myself and said something like "it's so like your mother to forget to tell you".  He agreed so we came us with an idea to line up a bunch of beer bottles and he took a picture with his phone and sent it to L, and telling her that there were people partying up at her place!

After hearing the dream, L laughed and said that would be something her son would definitely do!

I then shared with her what I was thinking as it related to my first T and her dumping me shortly after coming to my wedding.  L just listen and nodded in agreement.  She understood more.

I continued to ramble for a bit, and she tried not to say anything, and she was semi-successful with that.  She said that she's not taking the offer back, and if in fact we do want to use her place for a while the lines will be very clear.  Her son is the one in fact who handles all the bills/rentals for that place, so we would just deal with him.

She said she's just trying to show me, as she usual does, what a good, supportive, 'real' relationship looks like.  And I know that.  She has been constant in her support of me, and yes our relationship is a bit unorthodox from a therapeutic relationship, but I'm confident it's been, and will continue to be good for me. 

I've had 4 therapist in between my first T (the one that crushed me) and L.  The 4 therapists were good, but just not right for me.  I need more.  Now maybe that's wrong, but I have made more progress in the 2 years that I've been seeing L than all the time with my previous T's combined.

At the end I told her that I was a bit mad at her.  Next time I question the 'realness' of the relationship, I'm gonna have a tough time with it.  I won't be able to believe that I'm just a co-pay to her.

Monday, February 6, 2012

I've been wanting to write, but I've also been a bit hesitant.  I could easily use the 'reasoning' that life continues to be very busy so I have little free time, but that's not exactly the truth.

However, it is true that life is busy.  I spent all weekend painting and de-cluttering, trying to get the house ready to go on the market.  We're making progress, but still so much to do, and we're running out of time. 

M and I took last Thursday off and went up to the ice cream shop.  As our 5 year old had a half day we also dragged her with us and we took a tour of her new school.  It was great.  The principal took us around and introduced to a bunch of people.  The school was nice, and the class sizes were small.  The entire time we walked around and met teachers/administrators I was trying to gauge their reaction to us; a five year old with two moms.  As we are moving from a liberal state to a much more 'independant' state we worry about our daughter and how she'll be treated.  Luckily during all our trips up there, with everyone we've met we have yet to feel any hesitance or resistance to our somewhat non-traditional family, and that too was the case with the school.  In fact, after talking with one teacher for a bit of time I asked her how welcoming she felt the community would be to our family.  Without batting and eye she assured us that we have nothing to worry about.

We also spent quite a bit of time at the shop meeting with our ice cream guy! That's what his kids call him, and it's true.  He has worked at the dairy where we'll be buying our ice cream from for over 30 years.  He has done it all there and his knowledge just oozes out of him.  And not in a pompous way, but in a very friendly, supportive way.  He likes to be very involved with his customers because he knows the only way for him to be successful is for us to be successful!

This coming week I still need to finish the business plan for the bank, M and I will be attending a Quickbooks class on Thursday and a food handling class on Saturday, and let's not forget taxes on Sunday!

So I'm not fooling myself by saying I've been too busy to write, but there's still been something weighing on me that I'm not sure what to do with.  It's not a big deal, and I wish I could just roll with it....

One of the more complicated things about buying the ice cream shop is the relocating piece.  Selling our current home, and loosing thousands really sucks, but not being able to buy another house for a while sucks as well.  Because we will be self-employed banks won't consider lending to us until we have two years of tax returns.  We have a couple other options too, but we'll most likely need to rent for a while.  Because we want our daughter to attend elementary school there, we have to live in the town.  But because it's a college community the rental market is tight.  Plus we have a dog and cats so that rules out a good portion of our rental options.

So with all that, I was telling L on Friday that there's a potential job up in the area that M may apply for.  It's right up her ally, a current co-worker used to work there and has good connections, and she would get benefits, which would be HUGE for us.  Paying out of pocket for health insurance is ridiculously expensive, so we would save a lot.  But one of the struggles is we don't know when M could start work, if they offer her the job, because we don't have a home up there yet.

L, in her amazingly supportive way offered up her house to us, if we got into a bind.  She has a second home/vacation home near the area that we are moving too.  I was totally floored.  I had a tough week therapy-wise but was able to work through it with L, and her generous offer, in my head, will only help cement how 'true' her support of me is. 

But I also got this twinge later on that this is probably totally crossing the line, and I started to worry a bit about her not having good boundaries and me getting the brunt of that at some point.  It happened in my first therapist relationship years ago.  My then therapist was supportive and I thought we had a pretty good relationship, in fact she came to my wedding.  But then shortly after that she pulled the rug out from under me.  Is that going to happen again?

Although I keep trying to brush the thoughts away, I know it's weighing on me a bit because I've dreamed about it.  There's no fooling my subconscious!

So do I risk talking about it with her?  I don't want her to take the offer back.  Of course it feeds into my 'I wish she was in my real life' fantasies, but so what?

I also don't want to make a big deal out of it, I want to put my big girl pants on and just be grateful for the offer, and her continued support.

L has always gone above and beyond with me. I assume she's that type of therapist/person, but I also like to think it's because we have a special relationship.  I know how that sounds, and I should get over it, or under it, or past it, but can't I hang on to it? 

When I've been on vacation, she's met me halfway between her place and where we're staying, so I would have to drive for like two hours.  She always gives me extra time when she can.  She lets me text (and call) as often as I like, even if I don't have anything to say.  She takes every crazy word that comes out of my mouth with stride.

Maybe this is just one more thing of L-being-L?

Monday, January 30, 2012

 M and I had couples counseling with L at noon, and I'm not even sure if I was present.  I'm still trying to figure out how I'm supposed to 'be' with L, so I guess that's where I was. But I think I zoned-out most of the time, or sort of removed myself.  I couldn't even look at L, it was like I was trying to punish her, yet at the same time I wanted to get her attention.

One of the things that was sort of interesting was that M had me pegged. She knew I was not quite there, and even when I denied it she called me on it, she said I was just faking it, and I was.  Then L picked up on M always trying to pry info out of me, and me resisting.  So I know that I continue to repeat my bad habits with both M and L.  I guess I'm a classic case, very text book like.

I kept looking at my watch, something I never do.  But I just needed to survive the session.

The weird part is that M and I are actually making really good progress, despite the weird crap that goes on in my head.  It's amazing how much this entire life altering process is affecting us, our relationship, and how much old stuff we both bring with us.  Just the 'simple' process of selling the house has brought up all kinds of stuff.

You see I'm a thrower-outer and M is a keeper.  We have a basement, actually a whole household full of stuff that we don't use, that we haven't touched in the 7 years we've lived in our house.  So initially M and I would struggle on the approach to take to de-clutter the house, and many times our 'discussions' would lead to fights and hurt feelings.  Talking with L about this has helped tremendously.  There's a lot of emotional ties to 'stuff' and it brings up other major life changes and how they turned out.  It's been extremely helpful to get past the initial issue to discover and work through what really is going on.

So that's been my day today.  I see L in the morning and I'm still not sure how I'll be.  When do I start acting like a normal person?

Friday, January 27, 2012

Left feeling 'Fu$% you'.  Not really out of anger, more out of resolute.  Makes no sense, yet maybe it does make sense?
She wanted me to agree to a game plan, and externally I nodded in agreement, but inside I was making a promise to myself 'There's no way in hell you are going to do that'.

She wants me to try and put words to what is going on.  She wants me to text, or better yet (those were her words) call her when it's happening so we can try and talk it through, try and figure out what's going on.  She said there weren't any rules around this either, I could call whenever, weekends, nights, anytime I wanted.  She reiterated the 'game plan' again at the end, and I nodded, but thinking otherwise.

I want to hate her, and I want her to pull me close, all at the same time.  It's like I'm making up a reason to be angry with her.  She continues to fight for me, even though I push her, I shut down, I question everything, including her intentions.  Yet instead of walking away, she tells me to reach out to her more.

And of course, as much as I hate to admit it, I see me as a 15 year old girl, and me reacting to my mother. 

It's fucked up, and it's getting better all at the same time.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I saw L yesterday for couples counseling. It actually went pretty well. 

Actually, it went really well.  Not only did M and I get some more stuff out on the table, and we both felt good, but my weird reaction to the whole L-M-me triangle was pretty much not there. I was fairly present for the entire time. 

In fact at one point M asked me what I was thinking and feeling in regards to what we were talking about.  She said it looked like I might shutting down, but I wasn't.  And I was able to thoughtfully respond to what we were talking about and tell her the process that was going on in my head.  She said she was very impressed that I stayed with it.

And I also didn't recoil and get lost in the dynamics that were going on in the room.  It's sort of like being in a room with both your wife and your mistress, but I was ok with it.  Or at least more ok than I've ever been.

So if it went so well, why is that not enough for me? 

Do I not want to feel better? Am I hanging on to something? Or is there really other stuff to talk about, to uncover?

I sent her another rambly text this morning and her response made me angry. 

Me:  I guess I'm due, but I can't seem to rationalize the ache today.  Doesn't make sense.  Yesterday was good, and you weren't even mean to me.  Ok so here's to hoping this rant makes me feel better (that sounded a little selfish)

L:  Not selfish and I hope texting makes you feel better.

So why did her response make me angry you ask, I don't know.  For some reason I was hearing 'Sure, go ahead and text, no skin off my nose'.  Logically I'm pretty sure she wasn't saying that.  I'm sure she just wanted to reassure me that it's ok to text, but for some reason I take it a different way.

My thoughts are swirling about and I was hoping that writing it out here would make it less fragmented in my head, but I'm not sure I was successful.

Monday, January 23, 2012

The roller coaster ride still continues.  Things are still moving forward with the ice cream shop.  I attended another ice cream convention this weekend (who knew these types of conferences even existed??!!!) and it was very helpful and I had a meeting with an ice cream distributor that I really want to work with.  I even met the owner of the company.  The week after next I'll meet him up at the shop so we can go through the stores layout and he'll help us get ready to open. I also met some good supplier connections, and met more local shop owners. 

It's an interesting industry, this ice cream-thing.  Most of the shops are family owned/run, which means that the interactions are less structured and more friendly.  The other nice thing is that as long as you're not with 10 - 15 miles of each other, then you are not considered competition so people are more than happy to share with you what they've learned.  In fact in two weeks M and I are going to spend the day at a local shop so he can go through the in-and-outs of operating an ice cream shop.

I also belong to a few Yahoo groups, and a Facebook group of shop owners, and they are a wealth of knowledge. Once again more than willing to share everything, from hot fudge recipes, to how to clean a soft serve machine, to listing where to buy supplies. 

So it continues to be exciting  and quite a learning experience, but the money-thing can be overwhelming at times.  It's scary to think how much we (I??) are willing to put on the line.  We are a middle-aged couple with a young child, what are we thinking?  What am I thinking???

I'm gonna quit a pretty well paying position, with benefits, health coverage, and stock options, to scoop ice cream?  Seriously??

And then are times where I'm so excited by the challenge.  I'm back to reading books about customer service (I just started readying Positively Outrageous Service). I even stole an Inc. Magazine from the doctor's office because it has great articles for entrepreneurs.  I loved being at the conference over the weekend.  I enjoyed talking to other owners and then working with the suppliers.  The opportunity to be my own boss and to run our own place is intoxicating.  And then hopefully being in a position to maybe help others or make an impact on the community is an awesome thought. 

I have so many thoughts on how to grow this business, and have fun and make a difference all at the same time.  I know it may seem crazy, but I also know it's something I have to do....hopefully even meant to do.

And then there's therapy....

This is more of a ramble, and not quite coherent, but I just need to throw it out there for now.

Why do I not want L to think I'm ok? I get something from it, but what? Can we not have a deep connection if I'm happy? Is being or acting depressed a way to get attention?  Or maybe I'm just used to feeling that way, it's my comfort zone. 

Friday, January 20, 2012

I miss seeing L today.  Normally I see her on Friday mornings, but she had a conflict so we met yesterday instead.  It was a really good session, very positive and I felt very connected to her.  But this morning I was very aware that I was not going to see her today.  I had couple moments of 'Normally I'm siting in L's office at this time on Fridays....' Nothing overwhelming, but I was a bit surprised.

Unfortunately it's now early afternoon and I'm missing her, like a longing. Due to another scheduling conflict next week I'll see her Monday morning.  So it's not like I have to wait another week to connect with her, it's only a couple days.  But somehow I don't find any relief in knowing that.

I know I could text her, and she'd be great about it, but I still struggle with why? Technically I'm in a pretty good place, so why the longing, why the ache?
So not only am I now having trouble sleeping, I also want to throw up quite often!!  Luckily I also feel giddy and excited at times, so hopefully we'll survive this next phase in our journey.

After the blow last week regarding the devaluing of our house we sort of walked around in a stupor all day.  But luckily we had planned to spend the weekend up in the town where the shop is so that really helped us.  We had already booked a hotel, made appointments with a realtor to look at 5 homes, and we were also going to meet up with the broker to look at the shop again.

Seeing the town again, and spending alot more time there really cemented in our minds how much we like the place.  And then seeing the shop again really brought back the excitement we had been feeling, and helped dissipate the feelings we were having about losing so much equity in our house.

Not that the weekend wasn't fraught with really hard discussions, especially around money, which then led to a very loud disagreement between M and I.  This decision will change our entire lives, and that of our daughter.  There's a lot to consider and it's extremely risky.  Although we are certainly not rich, and have to live within a budget like everyone else, we can still afford dinners out, 2 week vacations, and occasionally frivolous spending.  Moving and buying this ice cream shop changes everything.

We had been debating about whether to buy a house in the town or rent for a year.  The thinking with renting is that it will give us an opportunity to get used to the new community and have a better feel for where we want to live.  Also, because we don't know exactly what kind of income we'll have with the business, we don't exactly what we can, and can't afford. But I talked to a mortgage consultant today who informed me that because we will be self-employed we will need to show the bank atleast 2 years of tax returns.  So it looks like, at least for now, the decision to rent has been made.

On Tuesday afternoon I finally made the call to the broker and rambled out an offer.  We were offering much less than the asking price and I wanted to justify our reasoning for the offer.  I am VERY uncomfortable when it comes to dealing with money, and I hate the back-and-forth stuff.  I'm a type of person that would much prefer to go in and pay list price for something instead of dickering around.  But I knew I couldn't do that in this case. 

About 2 hours later the broker calls back with a counter offer, damn I hate this.  I call M to talk about it, then I call our small business consultant, who is just awesome.  She gives me some advice about how to counter and gets my head on straight.  She puts me in 'business mode' not 'personal mode'. I call the broker back and counter, but this time I counter with an offer that I'm hopeful leads her to counter back with an offer that we can live with.  And it worked!  It was like a win-win.  I think it gave the seller the 'last word' on the offer, but her last offer was what we were willing to pay in the first place! So glad that piece is done!

There's still a lot more to the story, but I'm afraid I've gone on long enough.  We still have tons of work to do.  Even though we've signed the P&S (purchase and sale agreement), there are contingencies, and we have a 30 day out if we can't: renegotiate the lease with the building, secure the finances to actually buy the place, form an LLC, investigate and apply for permits/licenses...etc.

 Then, assuming all that goes well, our official purchase date is March 30th, and getting there is even more work.  We have de-clutter, clean, paint our current home and put it up for sale at the end of February.  We have to look for an apartment to rent in the new town, we have to finalize our living arrangement in our current city so our daughter can finish kindergarten here, we have start making and signing deals/contracts with vendors...etc. 

During all of this I have had so much support from L, she has been amazing and a great cheerleader.  I saw her yesterday and she brought us both a celebratory hot chocolate/coffee, and it was delicious.  And it was good timing because I was starting to feel overwhelmed again, and started down the path of 'what the hell are we thinking, quiting our jobs, moving, and opening up an ice cream shop...' L kept me laughing and telling me how important it is that we enjoy this journey and the process of getting there.  I mean, it's an ice cream/candy shop, what couldn't be funner!!!  It really helped remind me of why we're doing this.

So much to do, so little time........I think I need to go throw up now. 

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Holy crap, we bought an ice cream shop.  We're officially Soda Jerks now!!!!

Much more to write, but way too many things to do now.  But so VERY excited!!!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

It should be a law that after a session you are allowed the rest of day to sleep, eat ice cream, and ruminate about your session.  I was so wiped after this morning I'm not sure how I made it through the work day.  Luckily it was Friday, and luckily (sort of) I had back-to-back-to-back meetings so there wasn't any downtime for me.  But I still felt 'floaty' and not really present most of the day.

I had a dream last night (well actually I'm having lots of dreams lately....) in which my partner, our daughter, and I were in a plane crash.  Actually the plane never crashed, but we were in the throws of it.  The plane was so out of control that we clipped oil rigs out in the ocean, and we were flying so low that we were able to wave to people on the beaches.  Oddly the plane actually landed at some tropical island, I went out and got ice cream, came back on the place, and then the scary ride continued.

So you ask, what does this dream mean??

Well, for the past 6 months I have been working on a plan to quit my current corporate-type job, my family would sell our house, and we would move 2 hours north and buy and ice cream shop! We are very close to completing a deal, and we met with another realtor last night regarding selling our home.  Unfortunately she informed us that our house is now worth $65,000 less than when we bought it 8 years ago.  This basically means that when/if we sell our house we probably won't do any better than break even.  To say the least, my partner and I were in a state of shock.  The poor realtor did know what to say to us. 

I think M and I knew all along, subconsciously, that we didn't have much equity in the house.  We bought the place before the housing market crashed.  Oddly enough I watched this movie last week 'Too Big To Fail'  It was really good, and gave me a much better understanding of what happened.  Unfortunately I didn't fully realize, or wasn't willing to admit that we were one losers that bought high and now would sell low.

M and I had so many emotions last night.  From being angry, to feeling like failures, and then everything in between.  I did my best to not shutdown, but it was hard, and I wasn't completely successfully, but I didn't totally check out either.  And then the big question that lingered.....what do we do about living out this crazy dream of buying an ice cream shop, moving to a quaint New England college town, and simplifying our lives?

We were both crushed, for so many reasons.

Odd, but I was also mad that I knew I'd have to take up some of my session with L today talking about this.  I didn't want to.  I'm so sick of talking, and planning, and thinking out of the box, and shifting money, and......everything else that comes in to play with uprooting your whole family.  I eat, sleep, and drink it.  I just want off of this crazy ride.......see where the airplane crash comes in?????

What I really wanted to talk to L about was our relationship and the realization that the dream I had was about her.  I mean I didn't actually want  to talk to her about it, but I also knew that I'd regret it if I didn't somehow start the conversation.

So I did something that I don't normally do, in fact not sure if I've ever done it.  I went in, sat down, and started talking right away.  No banter, no warm up, no skirting the subject, no lighthearted conversation.  I told her about the dream, what happened with the realtor, and how M and I handled it afterwards.

L of course was her usual glass-half-full and although she totally understood why I was feeling defeated she felt that it wasn't clearly a deal breaker.  We have other options, which we do, and this was all still workable.  I, on the other hand still needed to lick my wounds for a while so I gave a lot of sarcastic responses to her supportive words.  I kept saying to her that I didn't want to spend my time talking about this today, and then I would continue talking.....go figure.

After hashing that through for about 45 minutes she finally shifted and said 'Ok, what is it that you also really need to get out today?' Funny, that pretty much caused me stop talking and go into I-don't-know-land. So we  played the guessing game for a while until I was able to get out some painful cryptic words to describe what was going on in my head.

I was somehow able to communicate that I was bothered by the realization I had the other day concerning my dreams about having an affair.  She said she took those dreams has me wanting to have more intimacy with my partner M, m, ore connection.  And although I agree with that it occurred to me that the person in the dream that I was having the affair with was her.  .........that's hard to even write, never mind say out loud.

As you can imagine this lead down a very difficult, painful, and embarrassing conversation.  She said she was flattered.

Because I took so long to get to this place of talking we ran out of time, even though we went over time, it was nearly a 2 hour session. And writing about it now I can't remember exactly what was said, I only allowed some of it in.  And now 24 hours, how do I feel?  I guess I'm ok, but as much as I like to process/ruminate about my sessions, I'm having a hard time with that right now.  And maybe that's a good thing.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I worked from home today because I couldn't bear the thought of trying to get through another day at that place.  It's not as dire as I make it sound, but given that I have the option to work from home, I indulged myself today.  It's kind of nice.  I'm sitting in a nice, warm quiet house, the kid is at school and the wife left for work. still have my comfy clothes on, the fireplace is going, and it's snowing a bit outside. 

My head still feels like it's all over the place though, and I'm not sure if I'm willing to share tomorrow.  Part of staying home today is to keep me safe in my cocoon. Having the internal fight 'to talk or not to talk tomorrow'.  I hate that fight, although I'm honestly not sure which side I'd prefer to always be on. 

I sometimes say to L that I don't want to have certain needs, like needing a connection, it's too intense for me, it's too hard and it hurts too much.  I tell her that my goal is to not need people.  And of course she thinks just the opposite.  Needing people is innate, it's who I am, I just need to accept it.  And if I'm in a particular frame of mind I would agree with her, but today I'm not there, but I'm not quite at the opposite end of the spectrum either.  I think this is what some call 'limbo', or to be overly dramatic, 'hell'. 

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Sorry that I can't seem to complete a thought or a sentence, but too much going on in my head and I needed to get some of it out...

It wasn't enough, and I think I over-shared as well. I often (some may say 'obsessively') look back at my session, sometimes to gain an understanding, sometimes because I like being in a place where I can talk, and sometimes

The 'structure' of the session quite often repeats itself, or better said that I am a creature of habit and I'm probably pretty predictable.  W

Towards the end I remembered that I had had some dreams of the past few days that were similar.  And knowing how much L likes to interpret dreams I told her a bit about them. 

Later that night I got lost in thinking that L was the person I was having the affair with.  If it's possible that a thought could kill you, then this one almost did.  It wasn't the dream so much, but it was telling L.

You would think 90 minutes would be enough, but it's not, or at least it wasn't yesterday.  I didn't want to leave.  I told her that I would just sit quietly in the corner

My thoughts are fragmented and I want to sit with her and try and finish each of the thoughts

She tried to bring up what we talked about last session, but I wouldn't go there. 

Or do I just like playing the cat and mouse game for a while

She said she noticed that I haven't been fidgeting with my car keys for a while.  I guess that's an easy one to psychoanalyze.

Is it ok to be happy about the coincidence of where the shop will be, or should I be worried

Am I just trying to fool myself?

Monday, January 9, 2012

My partner M and I met with L today for couple's counseling.  We actually haven't been in probably 2 months, which was fine by me! First off I have a hard time talking in general, which of course is one of our problems.  And then then what sometimes feels like the 'triangular-ness' of the relationship can really throw me for a loop.  I don't think today, at least the 'process of' therapy threw me too much, although there was a bit of weirdness (on my part), but I think M and I have some work to do.

Not that M and I have a lot of disconnects, but we certainly do have our share, and the process of potentially uprooting our lives, moving, and buying an ice cream shop certainly puts a spotlight on our communication issues.

We were meeting L at noon today, so M picked me up from work and we drove together.  I actually didn't want her to. I like and typically need the alone-time after a session, but I figured it may be defeating the purpose of couple's counseling if I hide from the chance to be alone, together, and talk.

When M got me I had some work frustrations that I had to deal with as we drove, which took up most of our commute time.  But about 15 minutes before we got to L's office I was updating M on our household budget that I was working on this morning.  This budget reflects what our new post-move-post-buy-the-ice-cream-shop lives would look like.  Yes, our living expenses will go down, but my salary will be less than 1/3 of what I make now, at least for the first year.  So I had to tell M that once we move we'll both need to be working, we cannot, at least initially just live on the income from the shop.

To back this up a little bit, you see the ice cream shop is my dream.  I first told M about it 15 years ago and we both tried to make it work, but it honestly wasn't the right time for us.  So after an initial push/plan, we put it aside. 

Our lives went on, M, who was also in IT, quit her job and went back to school to become a medical esthetician.  She bounced around a few different jobs after becoming licensed, and never quite found her niche.  But over 8 months ago she took a part time job as an instructor at an esthetics school, and she really loves it.  I was so happy for her.  The position was 3 nights a week, which worked well for our schedule, and that of our 5 year old. 

Fast forward to now, where I HATE my job.  I am at best middle-management and it's a terrible position to be in.  Yes, I could get another job, and I've been looking for nearly two years, but I also know that no matter what, the grass usually isn't greener, and I'll have to deal with similar middle management-type issues no matter where I go. 

You see, my favorite part of managing is the people on my time.  The people who's lives I can affect in a positive manner.  Whether it just be treating them like adults and not micro-managing, but also helping them grow into areas where they can excel.  I like the mentoring part of the job.  The part where I can back my team up completely, but also work with them in the trenches.  The people are what have kept me in my current position.  But the limitations I have faced and the crap I've had to stomach is just too much for me.And I will really hate leaving some of them, but it's time.

But I really hate asking M to leave her job and move.  Although two weeks ago she came up with the idea that in March, if we haven't sold our current house, she would quit her job, move up north, and run the shop while I continue working full time. I need to keep working to pay our existing mortgage, and although there's a chance we may sell the house before March, given the state of the housing market, I don't think it's something we can count on, and we need to plan for further out.

Now, if you've stayed with me this long.....

So, 15 minutes before a couple's counseling session today, a session that I'm already nervous about, I bring up a difficult subject.  Actually, what I now realize is that the subject was only difficult for me, not M.  I actually thought we were having some sort of disagreement, but in talking with M about all of this on the ride back to work, it appears my perception was not reality.

I told M that my stomach was in knots while talking about the budget and both of us having to work.  One at the ice cream shop and one outside of that, at least for the first year.  She was shocked that I was so nervous. I told her how spent I was after the session with L.  Once again, she was surprised.  She thought it was a really good conversation and felt very positive afterwards.

How can that be?  How can we be from such different planets?

There's more to the story, but I'm afraid it's gotten so convoluted know that I've probably lost any value in writing this. I see L individually this morning so I'm sure she'll make me sort this out.

Oh, and the triangular-ness this time....I sort of felt like L was just giving M all the good reasons to make this dramatic change in our lives.  You see L is VERY much glass-half-full, and M is VERY much glass-half-empty.  So in some ways I felt like L was trying to coerce, or at least convince M that this was all a good thing. But I'm sure I'm seeing this with some sort of crazy filter.

Friday, January 6, 2012

I can't believe it, but I actually read my last post to L.  It took a while, lucky for me my sessions are 90 minutes, cause it took me until about minute 89 before I started reading, out loud. And to be honest, I couldn't read the whole thing to her, it's just too embarrassing.  But I did read the first 5 or so paragraphs to her, I stopped where I started writing about the update on the ice cream shop.

And it's now about 6 hours later, and I haven't died of embarrassment.....yet.

I worry that I talk too much about attachment and our relationship and how I feel about her.  But she says No, we don't.  I mention it, and it may be running around my head all the time, and I may constantly blog about it, but she says I have to take it to the next level.  I need to have in depth conversations with her.  Man that sound scary. 

After I read it to her, she made me feel all normal (or mostly normal) about it.  She said given my history, this is what I need to do.  She also said that she's glad she's in my head, in fact she continues to impose herself on me.  She wants me to hear her supportive voice.  And she said that the need and want is so strong right now because she's the only one I've ever let in.  So of course it's strong, but as I continue going through this process I will allow others in so I won't always rely on her.

It's so strange that this process of opening up an ice cream shop has affected me in so many ways.  The most noticeable one for me is how I'm connecting with so many people.  Not only am I opening up to a few people that are already in my life, but I'm expanding my base as well.  I am having a great time talking with dealers, and owners, and vendors, and realtors about the whole ice cream business.  It's great mix because who doesn't love ice cream?!! But also there's a business side to it that challenges me.

With friends I'm changing.  I'm lucky to have a pretty quick, and sarcastic wit, so that's usually the way I 'bond' with people.  But somehow, this conversation around my life-long dream of opening an ice cream shop has really given me reason to have deeper conversations with people.  I guess it's difficult to have 'life-long dream' conversations and not getting to another level of connection with people.

So all-in-all a pretty good session.....although I'd never tell L that!!!

I actually did text her when I got to work:

Me:  Seriously? Impose yourself??  I think that's illegal in a few states.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

While giving my daughter a tub last night I grabbed my Nook and thought I would read for a little bit, but instead I wrote this:

So is it better to fight the attachment stuff with L? or is it better to wholeheartedly embrace it? Although she is not perfect, and I don't think I have her on too high of a pedestal, what she gives me is amazing.  She has been unwavering in her support and guidance, and I feel such a connection with her.

Or instead of those two choices, fighting or embracing, is there something in the middle?  Would it be better for me to accept her support, but also be mindful of the reality?  Funny, as I write 'mindful of the reality' I hear L in my head "And what is the reality of our relationship?" I don't think she'd quite agreement with my assesment. And actually, I would feel bad if said stuff like ''s a business relationship....I pay for you to care...etc'
I certainly don't want those things to be true, and in my heart-of-hearts I'm pretty sure she cares, but I still fight it.

I had this all rolling around in my head when I saw her today.  I hadn't seen her for over a week and I felt like I was in the 'what's this all about' kind of place.  Like why do I still struggle with the relationship part?  Why can't I come in and get relief from talking about day-to-day stuff?  Why do I allow her to grow so much in my head? I don't need this, I bring it on myself.

So of course instead of talking about any of this today (cause I feel like I should be beyond it by now) we talk about all the other stuff that is going on. 

I fill her on the latest with the ice cream shop.  I am still working with the owners of the original place that I liked.  Unfortunately because they are a mom-and-pop kind of shop, they have been very slow with giving us the financial info I've asked for.  I can understand some of the delay, which is caused in part because nothing is computerized, in fact they don't even own a computer.  But some things, like their tax filings for the past 3 years and their bank statements they have not been forthcoming with.  These things they should just be able to pull from their files, but for some reason they keep delaying things.

And although they haven't been able to officially 'prove' what their business is worth, they did give me a high-level price and a high level of their sales volume.  So I've spent some time trying to come up a way to assess their business.  All my findings point to them asking WAY to much. 

But with all that frustration, I have been able to come up comperable businesses in the area, more to show the owners what other shops are priced at so they would be willing to come down in price.  And last week we took it a step further and visted one of the comperable business.  At first glance I had written it off as a possibility for us, but after looking at it further we decided to really look into this place.  And to make a long story short, we really, really liked the business, and the town.  So now we are having deeper and more detailed conversations with the owners of place number 2!

It's all very exciting, and exhausting, and scary, but things are really starting to move now, and M (my partner) and I agree that we should have a decision by the end of this month, with a goal of buying the business in March.

So now, my first day back at work since Christmas and I've been on the phone all day with brokers, realtors, and distributors.  And this really is what I talked with L about our session today. 

Maybe it was good to that I focused on the ice cream stuff today, and there is so much too it, but at the same time I don't get the same type of relief, or connection as when we talk about 'our relationship'.  I wish I understood that better.

And just to add a little twist to this new shop, it's a 1 1/2 hour drive north from where we live now, which is fine because we anticipated moving.  In fact this town is a college town with a very active chamber of commerce, so there are lots of plusses.  But the weird thing is  L has a second/vacation home in the next town.  She actually knows this shop and the town very well, as it's the only place for 15 miles to get ice cream.  So I'm assuming, and hoping that she'd still be a customer!!  I know I probably shouldn't be so happy about that, or even assume that she'd still come.

Another weird thing is I probably wouldn't see her at her current office, as it would be a 90 minute drive.  But she said we would figure something out.  She spends a lot of time up there, especially during the sommer, so we could figure out another place to meet, maybe a library or something.  We've met at coffee shops in the past, so that's a possibility as well.

It's all so strange, this therapy stuff.  Is it supposed to be, or is it just me? Seriously, do normal people worry about how a life altering a decision, like moving and switching careers will impact your therapy?

Just sent L another text:

Me:  Not so good with the talking today, sorry.  I just keep fighting it, but I'll try to be on my better behaviour on Friday.

Her response:  All is good.