Monday, February 22, 2016

It took about 45 minutes of silence before I was able to start talking.  She asked at one point was the silence due to her going away for two weeks.  I told her it was, mixed in with a bunch of other things. I was finally able to tell her that the thought of she's both Li and not Li, which is both good and bad, which is crazy and makes sense.

I wish I had told her that I hoped she had a good trip and that I would miss meeting with her face-to-face.

I still have lots of love for Li, wish I didn't. I think I would prefer to be angry with her, then maybe I wouldn't miss her and yearn to meet up with her again. I do wonder what I would do or say if she asked to meet up. I know I would love go but I'm afraid that I would sink back into the needy depression-like state.

I also miss knowing/thinking/feeling that Celia is around. I know I unfairly put a lot of shit on her and I feel bad about that.

I think I know where Celia is, atleast maybe during her second week gone.  She told me her first week was in Colorado. So weird that I am being jealous about my therapist again.  It happened with Claire, most thinking she has the most amazing and loving family.  With Li it was being jealous of all her friends, especially what I perceive to be her close girl friends.  And now Celia, with a movie being done about an aspect of her husbands professional life.  Why did I snoop/google? I was really trying not to ask, cause I used to ask with Li and she would tell me.  So I was wondering if it was better that I didn't know. Maybe it will be better if I bring it up to Celia.  I sort of tried with Li but I could never get past hinting/texting that I was jealous, never got to a full blown conversation.

Will Celia be able to go the distance? Be around long enough? Be able to withstand my neediness and dependency? I can be draining

Things to ask/talk about:
  How do I know I can trust you?
  How do I just free associate?  say what's on my mind?
  Stop mixing up or combining or is it confusing you and Li
  What I said about me using Li as a scapegoat, felt a little thoughtless as I know you're a scapegoat too, but in a different way

Still thinking about Li alot.  Lots of anger still, and lots and lots of hurt.  I may be going to Amestown this weekend, very tempted to go I truly believe that Li still has an office in Amestown
Also been wondering about asking Celia where she is this week and where she'll be next week, but then she's gonna ask me why.

Can I know things about you? I felt very close to Li, like she was sort of an open book.  Although I know there's was much I didn't know, how is it suppose to work?  How is it gonna work with you?

Maybe talk about jealousy?

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