Friday, October 30, 2015

I didn't go in.,   There were a lot of things playing in my head on the way down, and the more I drove the deeper I retreated.  My wife knew.  I had told her earlier that I was too angry at L.  I told M that I didn't think I could handle another letdown from L. And I also told her that I was sure that I didn't matter much to L or should would have planned this out better, and considered my feelings more.

Needless to say it was a long two hour drive down.  I didn't say a word, I just seethed.  M tried to fill the dead air with conversation but it really didn't alleviate any of the crap that was floating around.

When we finally got there M asked if I was going in.  I told her I couldn't decide, I was so torn. I sort of wanted to but I wouldn't let myself.  In thinking about it later on I admitted to myself that I just wanted to inflict some pain on L.  I wanted her to feel the anguish I felt. I wanted her to worry about me. Of course I know that never happened.  And I also knew I was replaying a common occurrence with my mother.

I sat outside.  First in the car, then I paced outside for a while.  Certainly hoping the entire time that L would come down and talk with me.  I sat on some stairs, across from the door, waiting. I knew I was testing her, and I also knew that she always failed my tests.  She failed, but I lost.

An hour later M emerged from the front door, for a second my heart had hoped that L was behind her, but I knew.

L never came down.

I was furious and crushed all at the same time.  Of course I didn't have any right to be.  I paused, thinking I should go up, but then quickly drove out of the parking lot, didn't want to give myself any time to think it over. I even stopped one more time about 1/4 mile up, but then sped off.

I started to choke up and cry.  I starting bamboozling M with questions, including why didn't L come down.  Which she correctly stated that I told her that I didn't want to talk to L.  The anger continued to rise, I could physically feel it starting in my gut and working it's way up.  I spewed all kinds of nasty, twisted things about L to M, she just let me rant.  Then M foolishly tried to understand what was going for me.  Where did all this anger come from?  She said she figured I was feeling abandoned, but L would still be around she stated, I could still see her, and not pay for it(M's words)!

And you know what happened next? I let my vulnerability come thru.  I was able to explain the loss I was feeling.  The love I had for L and how much pain I was in.  It took a bit.  I even told M that I knew that I had made much progress with L, and part of the reason was the closeness and connectedness that we shared.

I have worked with many other therapist with no real movement, but I also never experienced the same type of relationship.  I am at a different place than when I first started with L.  Unfortunately her leaving also caused me deep, gut wrenching pain. It's like two sides of the same coin. M truly got that, and me.

Since that conversation last night I have thanked M numerous times.  Thanked her for letting me rant, thanked her for trying to understand what I was going through, and thanked her for letting me feel that closeness with her again.

I texted L this morning:

Me: I'm sure I'll come around...but it really does suck to feel like I'm chasing someone

L: Really sorry you didn't come in last night missed you.  I look forward to you getting more balanced with this.

I'm mostly ok with her response, although I really didn't like 'you getting more balanced', like this is all self inflicted and her hands are clean.....still more angry crap for me to figure out.  I haven't let it ruin my day completely, but I know I've got more to go.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Still not sure.  I meet my wife in about an hour to then drive down to meet L. I'm still pretty angry, hurt, mad...I really hate her for doing this, and I also feel very rushed.  Like I don't, and never really did matter.

I met again with new T  last night.  I like C, but the silences are difficult.  That certainly was/is one of the things I liked about L, we didn't have too many silences, she could always carry the conversation.  Maybe that wasn't always so good, but it usually felt good, except of course when it didn't!

I've seen C 3 times now.  I think she gets it.  To use her words 'it's a major loss, and I don't even know everything yet'.  She said that I have a good understanding and insight into what's going on with me. I do think she is taken a bit back by how quickly this is happening, how soon L is terminating with me given that we've had such an intense, long relationship.  C never said those words, and has never outright questioned anything that has transpired, and maybe I'm projecting, but I'm pretty certain she wished there was a longer transition time, mostly for my sake. Even more so because of my history of being abandoned.

I feel like if I go see L tonight I'll be 'sweet talked' again, especially with my wife there.

I don't want to regret not going either

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Maybe I was in denial.  She did said that she was leaving in November, but I guess to me that was still pretty open ended, no definitive date.  So when I went to see L yesterday, in a fairly decent mood, ready to, and wanting to talk about what our relationship would look like going forward, I was knocked on my ass when she said today was to be our last session.  Feels 'dead' to even write that.

I thought my anger had subsided over the past two weeks.  I thought I was in a better place.  Not 'the' place, not a great or even good place, but certainly better. What a fool I was/am.  It all came bubbling back up.

It took me a bit to get the words out.  'I didn't know today was our last day'.  She said 'Oh, did you need more time?  What else did you want to say? Do you need some sort of cushion?'.  Those things continued to piss me off.  Feeling like I am now an inconvenience.  My usefulness is gone.

So angry.  It's been nearly 5 years and I'm supposed to wrap this up in 3 weeks.  Fuck you.  Fuck her.

If someone had told you they had cancer and were dying and 3 weeks later they did wouldn't you say 'Man that was fast'? I know that's overly dramatic, but really 'a cushion'?  Fuck you.  Why the rush?

I guess lucky for me, I have 90 minute sessions (or should I say 'had'), which gave me some time to stew for a bit, shut down, play her words over and over again in my head, until I was finally willing to spew out some sarcastic crap (oh, I'm so mature).  And then I switched to some easier stuff, recent stories about my kid, a new business adventure that I'm kicking around...etc.

Then I finally got around to asking what our relationship would now look like.

She said that it was up to us to figure that out, and really whatever I'm comfortable with.  It won't be a typical friendship, sort of, and it certainly wouldn't be therapy.  But it's up to us to figure this out. Writing this out right now it sort of taking some of my anger away.  Weird, but honestly I don't want the anger gone yet.

I told her that maybe I'm being delusional thinking she would still be in my life.  She said she really wants to be.  She wants me to continue to text her with stuff, she wants me to let her know what's going on, how my family is, how the shop is doing...etc.  Meet occasionally for coffee or lunch, go on the hike we talked about....etc.

She told me this story about a clinical supervisor that she had in college, and then when she got into the real world she was able to continue to receive paid supervision from this women.  She played a large role in L's life and they continued on with a friendship for years.  Meeting for lunch, exchanging emails...etc.  Unfortunately this woman died, but her 'friendship' meant a lot to L.  She imagined that maybe we would have something similar.

She has said things in the past that never happened.  I think she always means well, although sometimes I think she says them just to be nice or pacify me.  And I know that I take most things to heart, and maybe pick about her words.  Or maybe she just wants me to followup on things she has offered.

I don't know, it's all crazy making.

And I actually will see her officially one more time.  My wife and I saw L for couples counseling briefly a year or so ago.  My wife has also met L, with me there, to talk about me and what had been going on and how she could be of help.

Anyway, my wife has asked if we could meet with L one last time so she could get some closure, and also, once again, to talk about how she could help me during this time. So we will go tomorrow night.

Definitely mixed feelings about what else is new??

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

I guess I'm doing better, or at least not bad, considering. It's strange but part of me doesn't want to be better. I wonder why. Maybe it's just the fear of losing her, and if I don't feel strongly, or constantly about what's going on then she's gone.

Surprisingly I was able to start working with another therapist, someone so close that her office is literally across the street from my shop. I actually didn't want to see someone in the same town or even adjoining towns. But when I came across this woman's name on the list it was comforting because it was someone I knew in passing, as she is a customer of ours, and I've always liked our quick chats and gotten a good vibe from her.

Monday, October 19, 2015

I'm still all over the place. Pretty much sad all the time, like an undercurrent that's always there. It's not a depression like side though, it's definitely a loss-type feeling. I haven't cried so much in such a long time. Not even for my father's death, my mother's death, or even my 15 month old nephew's death. My wife is very worried about me. This news has taken us both by surprise. I'm trying to be conscious about not crawling inside myself, but old habits are very hard to resist.

I've texted L a few times since, but I haven't found any relief with our exchanges. She hasn't been consistent with her responses, even taken up to 2 days to respond, even though she told me she was around and welcomed my texts. I try to be an adult and understand that she has a lot going on, including moving to her newly renovated home, but it still hurts. I wonder if her lack of response is maybe due to her health, maybe another heart attack? Then I think she just wants to shut me out, she doesn't want to, or can't handle my anger.

It really sucks that I can no longer fool myself, I never meant anything to her. We kidded once about her adopting me, I know it was said in jest, but there is/was a part of me that hung in to that.

I keep replaying in my head how she told me. I wasn't there more than 5 minutes. We started with the basic nicities, and then she looked at me and said she had to tell me something that she knew I wouldn't like. She had accepted another position.

Everything stopped. My world stopped. My mind actually went black. It was like standing in a small room and someone shut off the lights, *click*, and then total blackness. Not even a fade to black, it was immediate. Nothing good was ever going to happen again.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

L told me today that she has taken another position, running a clinic, and will be closing down her practice. She also finally told me that two weeks ago she had a heart attack. I never saw it coming, yet I've been waiting 5 years for the shoe to drop. I don't even know how to begin to process this.