Sunday, January 24, 2016

I think she said that nearly 90% of the people that come into therapy are looking for love and connection.  Crap, I hope that is ok.  She said it was.  Oddly I think I feel safer with her than I did with L. And by safer I think I mean that I feel like she will follow through on what she says.  L may or may not have meant things she said but quite often she didn't honor what she said.

C said she wants/hopes to be the one that sees me thru all this.  She said that in her 30 years of working as a therapist she has never met anyone who was so hurt badly by 2 different therapists. Abandoned by 2 different people. She wants to be the person that stops this cycle for me.

I definitely still miss L, but it's also a very uneasy type of feeling.  Like I know I shouldn't.

I also miss C in between sessions, and will start 'getting' thru the next couple of days until I see her on Wednesday.

I wish I could talk to her about hugs.  Although I'm not sure I want them, yet.  And I'm also scared of the rejection.  What if it's a boundary of hers?  Or what if it's just my L feelings and wants transferred to C? How do know what's real?


  1. I hate to be like this, as I'm sure a hug isn't that big of a deal. But I hope you truly explore that need with your new T instead of just glossing over it, like, "yeah we can do a hug. Sure." Because obviously that is the start of you feeling very attached to that person.

    And then you start getting anxiety about the hugs, what they mean, whether she really feels for you or not, etc. You can see the cycle starting from an outside standpoint, and it seems to me that the goal would be for you both to explore this stuff instead of just continuing to go through those motions and walking down that same well trod path where you went before with other therapists...

    1. I think you're right G, I finally did bring this 'hug' thing up to her and we're still discussing it. Not from the standpoint of her allowing hugs/or not allowing, but more about what it means to me and how it makes me feel.

    2. I am so glad. This therapist seems good, and I suppose the fact that you appreciate those boundaries must mean you are ready for that next step in healing. Glad to hear it!

  2. BTW, what I meant in a previous post, when I said I'd never read a post where you mentioned "wanting to get over it," is that I've never seen you actually write in this blog that you are interested in healing the issues you have around attaching to your therapists and the pain that stems from old wounds.

    And I do think saying it and meaning it is a big part of getting ready to do the work.

    Just my 2 cents...

    Then again, you shouldn't say things you don't mean or are not truly ready for. it's fine if perhaps you haven't arrived at feeling ready to move on and heal, and that you are working towards it...

    Again, just my relatively uninformed opinion

    1. Although may not have explicated stated it, it really is the reason I am in therapy, atleast right now. And I'm not sure i'm ready to give it up yet, seems I'll be losing something, I am talking about it now. Being specific/explicit and keeping the focus just on this. My new T doesn't part take much in small talk and keeps it focused. I'm just getting used to that, but I have to admit that I like it

    2. Yeah, I know EXACTLY what you mean...least I think I do.

      There was a very, very painful family situation in my life and I had so much anger toward a certain family member (actually a couple of them). But I liked thinking about how upset and angry I was and just going over and over it in my head or discussing it.

      One day I was thinking, what would it feel like to just let go?

      And it felt like a baby not wanting to get its blanket taken away. As if those angry thoughts were my security blanket in a sense.

      To let go feels like a loss, because it is dealing with the reality of the sadness and that it's not ever going to really be made okay. Not the way I wanted it to, anyhow.

      And that is sad, and it feels somehow better to keep hurting and keep the pain alive than to experience the sadness and loss...