Sunday, November 30, 2014

Just sent her a text letting her know that it makes sense for me to cancel next week.  I don't want to, but it's the day before thanksgiving, S, my daughter has off, I don't have any money, and we have to drive down the next day. It's sending me for a little bit of a loop. I am going to stay at a friends tonight and that is weighing on me too.  It's uncomfortable for me to be one-on-one with someone.  I was hoping to bring S, my daughter as a buffer for me but M really pushed for me to leave her at home, that I needed alone time with my friend.
It's like L is disappeared into the black hole now.
These are just random thoughts I've had compiled over a few days.....Sometimes it helps just to write things out.

Why did our testing exchange, which turned horrible, as it has on occasion, overwhelm me?  Like if this was somehow the end of our relationship then I would lose any interest in living.  Like the meaning would be gone.

Why does seeing her posts on Facebook with friends, and eek, even boyfriends overwhelm me as well?

Just when I start to think, and maybe even worry a bit that things are starting to be more 'normal' with L, I get thrown into this flurry of catastrophic thoughts, and I can't think of anything else.

How do I know that I should trust her?

Should I trust my logical side, my gut, my emotional side.....something else maybe?

Middle of the night thoughts: maybe there are more ways to see it? I feel like I'm fooling myself sometimes, and maybe you just tell me what 'therapeutically' i should hear? My life is better with you in it, and it scares the shit out of me to think you won't be, and it scares the shit out of me that it scares the shit out of me. Should I take that as a 'sign' that I need to back away?  I wonder if that's how abused women feel? Like they just can't leave that person? That hopefully they will love you back? I'm trying to think, hope, feel that I'm wrong about her not willing/wanting to see me at some reduced fee because she really only sees me for the money.  I never did outright ask her, so maybe I'm wrong.
And I'm not sure there's any correlation to the concerns/comments a few weeks ago regarding the lack of intensity, but I'm open to the possibility.
When she wrote that 'My feelings is texting is the easy way out and I would love to be able to discuss all of this with you in person' it seemed/felt that she was finally saying what she really felt, which was that she really did hate when I text, and that I'm a nuisance, I'm too much work, not worth it, even for the small amount of money
She never really says 'she's sorry', it's more like either a generic 'I'm not perfect, I make mistakes', or "I'm sorry if it made you feel that way'.
She says to ask questions, but it's also none of my business right?
Does she react certain ways because of role she's supposed to play, the job that she has? Does she say things to 'trick' me, to get me to believe that I can trust her?  Is it all calculated?  Is that even fair of me?  I pay her for a 'service' and when I get it I question it?  Man that is fucked.
Is that it?  All I really want to know is that she loves me?  And she doesn't, or she can't, or she won't? So I'm just banging my head against the wall.  And I'm just chasing my tail because if she doesn't respond it confirms by beliefs and if she does respond I don't believe her?  There isn't anything she could say or do because there's no way she could love me.
So last night I wondered if I could start looking at her like a therapist and not anything more?  Someone with whom I could remain aloof to but respect?

Sent her a text a few hours ago asking if we could meet next wednesday, which would be our normal time to meet.  It's just that I walked out of session yesterday and at that time I was hell bent on not going back.

She says I can tell her about my anger, she even said I could tell her she was being an 'asshole' about something, but in fact when I did ( I didn't call her an asshole I told her I felt her response to something sucked) she got mad, or atleast I felt she was mad. Although I do have to admit that I am a bit thin-skinned and feel people are often mad at me.

She just responded to my text and said 'yes' we could meet next Wednesday at the usual time.  Now I'm worried that she hates me and has had enough.  I'm afraid that maybe she thought that she was finally off the hook and I left.

If I didn't contact her, would she have? I still so worry about the abandonment thing.  I wish I could know that  there would be nearly nothing I could do.

I tried to tell M about what had gone on.  She had wanted to know since I got home Wednesday but I just shutdown.  In talking with her last night, at her insistence of course, I realized how stupid it all sounded.  I couldn't say out loud that I just wanted L to love me, and to know that all the time.  To be certain, always.  Instead sort of talking made me feel like more of a jerk.

I miss texting her.

Feeling pretty sad and starting to get overwhelmed, lost in my thoughts.  In sort of talking with M I realized, once again, how things can get so big in my head, my feelings don't seem proportional to the event, even just my understanding, which of course is tainted.

I haven't really exercised in a couple of weeks.  Some half-hearted starts and stops.  I think it's affecting me in many ways.  My sleep sucks, back to waking up and staying up.

I want her to love me unconditionally, I'm assuming I never really got that before, hence the need still exists?

when this happens again what do I do?

why do I idolize her? think her life is wonderful or perfect? similar to the way kids idolize their parents maybe?

Anger.  Why am I so angry? Afraid to express anger

I finally talked, really talked to M about what happened between L and other the other day. I really want to be a better person, for me, and for M, she totally deserves it.

I'm never sure whether my thoughts are real/valid. I can hear L right now saying 'that's why you need to talk it out, sort it out'

M and I had a really good conversation.  I told her everything.  It made me feel so much better, even though she stood up for L.  Told me how caring L is, she understood what L was saying about my texting, and agreed with her.

M says I'm angry alot.

Friday, September 5, 2014

I was trying to work up the nerve this morning to tell M something 'stupid'.  I was pretty certain she wouldn't think it was stupid, hence why I would tell her, but I just couldn't get myself there.

About a year or so ago I bought myself a charm that hangs from my car's rear view mirror.  It's kinda cool, it's a sun, that looks a bit like my one-and-only (currently) tattoo.  After that I bought M one, similar to mine but its of a peace sign.  It reminded me of her, always wanting 'peace' for people, especially people who are 'victims'.

Then about 8 months ago I was in this little country store and which carried the same kind of  charms, but with designs I hadn't seen before.  One in particular, it was a Fleur De Lis.  For reasons I won't go into I knew L would like it, or atleast I hoped she would.  I went back and forth about whether or not to buy it for it.  It wasn't a lot of money, but was it childish? was I being silly? I convinced myself that I would buy it but it didn't mean I actually had to give it to her (sometimes I have to take things in baby-steps).

Eventually I did give it to her, I don't remember the specifics of that day, although I'm sure I was nervous about it, and I'm also sure she received it perfectly.  No hesitation and much appreciation.

So fast forward to two weeks ago. I was having a particularly hard time deciding whether to go see L or not. She had just come back from vacation, which to make things even harder, was out of the country. You would think after seeing her for over 4 years I wouldn't go through the same push-pull every time, or at least not be surprised by it.  And although it's certainly not the 'same' push-pull as in previous times, it's still always hard. If you also factor in the two hour ride each way to see L, which gives me loads of time to run things over and over in my head, you'll see why I can really work myself into a tizzie before I even step into her office.

Still undecided about actually stepping foot into her office I pull into the parking lot and scan for her car.  If it's not there then it's a double win.  First I don't have to face her, and second I get to be mad at her for not showing up.  It's a two-for!! But it is there, and I must start the dead man's walk up to her office.  As I walk across the parking lot I look at her car again and I do my usual scan to see if the charm I had given her was still hanging from her mirror, like it has always been.  But this time I have to do a double, even triple's not there.  I'm so caught off guard, I check to make sure it's her car, and then I'm frozen, what do I do?

Thursday, August 28, 2014

The message was sort of cryptic, I guess I meant it to be, like I was testing her.  And of course she failed.  I think she's failed every 'test' I've thrown at her.
I wanted her to remember, I wanted it to mean as much to her as it had meant to me, reveling such an embarrassing reaction.
I sometimes wonder if going to therapy makes me worse.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

It's a lovely rainy day here today and I'm just sort of sloughing.  I was supposed to see L today but she texted me yesterday and said she was sick. She said it wasn't anything serious but her doctors wanted to run some tests today.  Luckily ( I think) we were able to reschedule for tomorrow.  You see L has been away for about 4 weeks now.  She attended a conference that was out of the country, and while she was there she hiked a VERY major mountain.  I'm sure it was quite and adventure for her, I have seen some of the pics on Facebook, but I'm sure it was also very exhausting, so I guess it's not surprising that she's sick.  I just hope she's ok and it's not some crazy flesh-eating disease! Of course I go to the extreme.

The weeks she's been gone have been all over the place for me. I've missed her terribly, I've missed the option of texting her, I've hated her, I've been jealous of her, I've worried about her safety, I've been angry at her.  However, as horrible as all that sounds the anxiety that I typically feel when our schedule is interrupted wasn't as bad as it has been in the past. I'm sure that L would see that as progress, and I guess I sort of do too, but I've also toyed with the idea of not going back to see her.  I'm 99.9% sure I will go back, but as much as I've missed L I also hate the feelings that get dredged up by going to therapy.  Not to mention the 2 hour drive each way.

I hate the games, the push-pull, the longings, the jealousy, the abandonment , the confusion, the 'it's not a real relationship' feelings, the missing her, the overwhelming feelings for days after I leave a session.

And, really, if Robin Williams couldn't make it, who can?

Monday, July 21, 2014

Having trouble finding meaning lately, meaning in life.  I know that's probably at bit heady but it's where I'm at.  Maybe it's the significant losses lately.  First my mom in April, and then the sudden death of my 15 month old nephew in June. Or maybe cause I'm turning 49 in a few days. Or maybe it's cause L is away, out of the country, for 3 weeks. I just don't know.  Maybe it's all of the above, or maybe it's not.  Crap.

Everything feels so forced lately. although I guess I should be glad that atleast I still have the ability to make myself do things.  A former T once said to me "Sometimes you gotta fake it before you make it".  I'm not sure I really believe that (didn't really click with her) but I wonder if it's true right now for me.  I've been able to force myself back to running, although technically it may be more of a 'fast walk' than a 'run' right now, but I'm getting there. And I think the running has been helping my sleep.  I had been taking Ativan every night for a while now, but I've only taken it once this past week, and then was to get me through some anxiety about L leaving.

I've also been very mindful of being sure I spend time with my daughter and partner.  That too has been sort of forced, and sometimes I still cave in to 'going for a nap', but I've still been planning 'adventures' for us.  There's so much to do outside where we live now so I'm pushing us to go floating along a local river, driving up Mount Washington, stopping and climbing the rocks by a waterfall, kayaking, ziplining...etc.  I think it's helped my mood, but I wish it wasn't so hard.

I've even been playing the game of 'being thankful for all I have', but it still doesn't feel authentic to me.  I know I really do have so much to be grateful for, and I am, but it's still not enough to lift me from this funk, if in fact if really is a funk.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Once again it's been a long time since I've written.  I've wanted to, but I guess I've been at a loss for words, or maybe just afraid to write them down.  It's funny that I go into modes in which I don't do things that I know will make me feel better, like writing or exercising.  Hmmm, I wonder why that is.

Anywho, it's really been a horrendous, even unimaginable few months.

First my mom died at the end of April.  Although I did love my mom I was not particularly close to her, I guess I never was.  She had been sick for a while with Parkinson's disease, and of course other sordid ailments that go along with that disease and getting old.

 About a year ago we had to make the decision to put her into a nursing home.  I have 6 brothers and sisters and you can imagine that we all had different opinions about that.  For all the crap that families go thru, and we have had our share, I have to say that my brothers and sisters are all pretty caring people, but that doesn't always stop the ugliness, and towards the end of my mother's life it did get pretty ugly.

Most of the difficulty, atleast for me was making end-of-life decisions.  When or even if to call in hospice? Was she getting the best care at the nursing home? She developed a huge sore on her side, so big that you could see inside her, probably about the size of 3 golf balls. And even though I'm the second to youngest in my family, I was the healthcare proxy for both my mom and my dad.  As I stop and think about that right now I realize what a strange position I was in.

I was definitely not the closest to my mom, we had always had a sort of love-hate relationship.  One of my brothers and one of my sisters were very close, seeing her almost every day, and I believe they resented that I was the 'decision maker'.  Not that any decision was ever made in a vacuum, and trust me, we must have exchanged hundreds of text messages and emails in an effort to communicate as best we could to everyone.

But in the end I had the final say.  My mother was 85, she was not well and was only getting worse.  I made the call to bring in hospice, remove IV's that were injecting meds in her that were making her better, and worse all at the same time.  I directed them to give her 'care and comfort'. My mother was a very religious (Catholic) woman, but for all her strongly held beliefs I knew she was scared to die.

This is the first time I've written about my mother's death.  There's so much more to write, so much more to look at, and hopefully I'll come back to it. However it's not my mother's death that has prompted this entry, it is my nephews.

Isaac was 15 months old, he died just over 3 weeks ago.  It's not supposed to happen like this.  It's still so hard to wrap my head around it.

Isaac is actually my great-nephew, he was the son of my niece.

There's so much more to say......

Monday, March 10, 2014

I had been trying to finish a post I started a few days ago.  But because there was so much to write about I'm finding it overwhelming to work on at the moment. So in summary.....I just got back from a wonderful 10 day Caribbean cruise, I've only seen L once in the last six weeks, my partner and I have been focused a lot on our intimacy issues lately, although the shop continues to improve, it still is a struggle financially, read a book on vacation called "Love and Loss in Life and in Treatment".

So now with that out of the way, I'm here to say that I'm pretty much out of whack!  Lots of anxiety since I came back from vacation last week and I can't really pinpoint it.  Although I'm thinking it's probably a bunch of things on not one thing in particular.  Lots of texting with L since my session last Wednesday, nearly every day"

Me: Although I wish I had more time with today it was still really good to see you
L: Longer would have been nice it was great to see you and thank you so much for saying so

Me: Sorry, but weird question of the day...are you planning on any upcoming vacations (abandonements) or snow storms?
L: I have a conference I'm going to on the 25th and 26th other than that no plans.  Not a weird question
Me: Well that gives me time to figure out how to squeeze into your suitcase.....feeling like there may be a lot of crazy texts this week.
L: Sorry I got the dates wrong the 19th and 20th is the conference.  Keep coming with more texts.

Me:  Just really wanted to say 'hey!'
L: Hi back, hope your getting back into the swing of things
Me:  Missing the blue water, white sand, and flip flops!  Thanks for being there though, not sure why the anxiety is on the rise but trying not to freak out too much.  See ya Wednesday
L:  Well keep texting if that helps and yes I will see you on Wednesday
Me:  Thanks
L:  My pleasure
Me: Now cut that out!  You make it hard to be angry with you!  I won't know what to do with my self.
L: There are other alternatives to anger
Me: Hmmmm I"ll have to think about that.

Me:  Still lots of anxiety all weekend long.  I know there's not much you can do (and I also know you would if you could) hoping Wednesday will help, maybe I'll talk, maybe I'll even look at you
L: You could consider increasing your medication.  I know that is something that you're not comfortable with but that might be something to think about.  Look forward to seeing you on Wednesday.  Please text if its helpful I'm happy to respond.

Random questions:
  Why do I fight my enjoyment in seeing L?
  Why am I always angry at her? It's like this undercurrent with me.

Guess I really am all over the place.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Lots of anxiety this morning.  I thought I'd feel better, especially after exercising, but that's not the case.  The physical piece goes from the pit of my stomach all the way up my throat.

I know racing around this morning trying to get my daughter to school on time, while finishing her 100-day project, raised my anxiety level.  I have a 'thing' about being late and being rushed, so maybe that's what started it this morning?

Trying to keep myself physically occupied today, but I do have some things to do today that require my concentration, hopefully I won't screw them up too much.  It's just that my mind is racing, as is my heart, and it's gonna be a long day at the shop.

Friday, February 7, 2014

L and I have been having trouble getting our schedules in sync. Part of the problem is that I am nearly 2 hours away from her office (one way!!) and I own a retail business...oh, and we have a 7 year old! Normally we can find a time than works for us but every once in a while something happens to disrupt our appointment time, which can wreak havoc on my delicately balanced emotional state!!!!!  Ah, who doesn't love the nasty mix of attachment and transference???

By the time I hopefully see L next Friday, it will have been 4 weeks since we met.  My mind has had free range, and instead of blaming the missed sessions on logistics and the weather, sometimes (ok, quite often) I will wander down the ugly path of  'She hates me.....', 'She's not real.....', 'What she says is bullshit....', 'I'm too dependent....', 'I'm too needy....'.

Now for the most part texting has been pretty helpful.  Of course we've had our share of text-misunderstandings, and sometimes our texts actually never reach each other and stay out in text-outerspace, and yes, sometimes waiting for her reply is more painful than childbirth.  But I think overall it's worked pretty well for us (me).

So this week because of a snow storm I couldn't make the trip to her office.  We exchange a few texts trying to line up another appointment but to no avail.  As it was becoming more apparent to me that we would not meet again this week my anxiety level sky rocketed.  I even allowed myself to ask her if we could meet over the weekend, something we've never done before and I wasn't sure if it was ok to walk that boundary line.

Unfortunately her replying that she couldn't meet over the weekend since my crazy thoughts a runnin'! Did I ask for something I shouldn't have?  Does she think I'm way to needy?  Who am I to ask to cut into her personal time?  Is she appalled that I would even suggest a thing? Oh, so I'm not important enough to
make time in her real life? I really am just paying for a service, not a real relationship?

Eventually she suggests a time next week that I think I can meet, so the texting confessions begin:

Me: Gonna try and make the 14th at 10 work.  Been feeling all over the place lately and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm assuming it's because of not getting to see you (gulp!) it's just hard not to be angry and stay living in my head.

8 long hours go by before she reponds:

L: You can miss me that is ok just text me or call me any time.  Today  I had classes all day so I just got home sorry for not for not getting back to you sooner.

After sleeping (sort of) and processing her response over night, I reply with:

Me: Thanks, I guess I gotta stop fighting it, it's just I start making up crazy stories in my head.  I miss the connection (gulp!)

L: Me too. Don't start making up crazy stories and if you do share them with me.

Me: The thought of sharing my crazy stories with you is probably crazier than the stories themselves? But I'll try, thanks

L: Trying sounds good.

Someday I hope to look back on all these exchanges and laugh at how crazy I am (I was?).........someday.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Back at this all too familiar place, and the reasons for being here are the same as usual.  I haven't seen L in a couple of weeks and I won't see her until next Friday.  I feel angry, abandoned, alone, afraid......and that's just the a's!!

Of course none of it makes sense, and she's not real anyway.  If she really cared she would have made time,she would have found time. She would meet me halfway.  She would meet me on the weekend.

It's like one big temper tantrum, I know.

I know, I know....attachment issues, I didn't get what I needed as a kid, so I act out now......

I have a wonderful life, a very supportive wife, an amazing child......

Just can't seem to rationalize myself out of this.....blah blah blah

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I'm not quite sure how I feel after today's session. Maybe I sort of went thru the motions today, but didn't really connect?  Not sure if that's really accurate.  I was able to tell her something that had been on my mind for a while.  Something very personnel and embarrassing, and I even gave her a hug at the end, one in which I initiated, but still I feel a little distant, or maybe I'm just a bit drained.

Why can't I just sit there and tell her anything and everything?

I'm jealous of her. She showed me a picture of her house today and of course it's awesome.  An old 1800 Victorian house in a well to-do suburb of New England.  She's selling it and renovating a house in a very cool part of the city. What's not to be jealous of?

She's a runner, very fit.

She knows many 'famous' people, mostly 80's rock 'n roll stars.

She has good close relationships and a strong bond with her two children.

I'm jealous of her friends.  She said we could be Facebook friends.  As much as I would LOVE that I think it may drive me crazy too.

I think I'm mostly jealous of how she carries herself.  Very self assured, not cocky just confident.  Very generous and open. I can ask her anything and she would answer it.  She has the most positive outlook of anyone I've ever met.

We've talked about her husband's death a couple of times.  When I first started seeing her I Googled her name and her husband's obituary came up, along with the newspaper article about the car accident he was killed in.  I was embarrassed having this information about her, but also felt an overwhelming sense of grief her.  She had two young children at the time and I would often wonder how she got through such an unimaginable event.  I finally had to confess to her that I knew this info.  It was maybe one of the only times I cried in her office, mostly because I was pained that she and her family had lost a husband and a father.

I tossed and turned all last night (but who's kidding, I do that most nights!) Am I angry at her again?  Does she share too much with me?  She also told me at the end of our session yesterday that she wouldn't be around next Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday next week.  I immediately asked her where she was going and she told me she was going to New York to celebrate a friends birthday.  Jealous again.

Why?  I'm not jealous of other people and their lives.  I know that I have a pretty good life and many are envious of the life changes we've undertaken over the past couple of years.  Maybe I'm jealous because L appears to be pretty set financially, and I am struggling in that area right now.

We also talked about S.E.X. yesterday too.  I can't believe I finally told her that it's another area of her life that I have her on a pedestal.  I also know that part of my jealousy of her is that my partner and I have struggled with intimacy and we've only just started to work through it.  I told L yesterday that during the week when I wonder what she's doing I always assume that she's having great sex!  I know how stupid/funny/silly that is, and I know logically why I think it, but it's still bother some.  I can't believe I actually shared that with her.  Of course in her most perfect response, she thanked me for putting that sort of Karma out there and maybe the universe will hear me!!!

She told me that because we won't see each other til the end of next week she expects lots of texts from me. She said, as she has always said, that I can text her anything and as much as I want.  She may not always get a chance to respond, but she will if she can.  She wants me to be able to keep the connection to her in between sessions and usually texting helps me.  Before we moved, two hours away and I had money to burn I used to see L twice a week.  It was very helpful.  I didn't loose connection to her and I was able to move through some life changing events.  I know we can't do twice a week again, but the texting can help. \

Unfortunately I fight the urge to text her.  I don't want to need her.  I'm often stuck in a catch-22. Damned if I text her and damned if I don't.

There's so much running around in my head right now.......

Friday, January 10, 2014

I need to get past this 'trust' issue if I'm going to be able to go any further.  I was going to write 'further with L', but I know it's more than that.  It starts with her and then I know it will grow with others.  I've seen it, I've experienced it, I just need to figure out how to be much better at it.  And when I falter or doubt rears it's ugly head I need to commit to moving thru it.

I've googled a bit on 'how to trust' and it's been a little helpful.  More just tidbits of antidotes.  Maybe it's more like dieting.  You can read all about it and study different approaches and ideas but the fact isay

I've also tired to take a step back and maybe look at it another way. Like 'Why would she lie to me? What's in it for her?'  I'm hoping my not being able to come up with a reasonable response will helped my twisted-thinking.

L texted me last night.  I was at the shop, working a long day.  In fact it had been a long, weird day.  It was busy, not from a making money perspective, but more from various folks coming in and staying for long, strange, all-over-the-place conversations.  By most accounts it was fun.  At one point I had been laughing with a customer so much that my cheeks hurt.  However, as I enjoyed talking with everyone and the different stories and topics we covered, it still is work for me.  Not just the serving of soups and ice cream, but engaging and entertaining customers. It can sort of exhaust me.  It's kind of like going to a party and having to put your party-face on.

Anyway, my phone dinged with L's text, I was a but surprised (in a good way) but I was also a bit worn, but also feeling good from the connections and conversations I had been having.  Here's pretty much how our conversation went:

L: Are you thinking about talking and how that might be a good alternative?
Me: A good alternative to what? (I started off by being a bit of a wise-ass, feeling a little manicy maybe?)
L: To keeping everything all inside and not getting any human response to your thoughts
Me: What I can't figure out is how to trust you...........I don't know how to.
L: I will keep trying
Me: Thanks, and this text from you would be enough for most people to believe you, but I don't think there's anything you can do, which makes me sad.
Me: Cause I really want to
Me: Except when I don't want to, and then you're on your own

I then texted that I had been thinking about something that she had told me about during our session and that I wish I had paid more attention to her during it, but at that moment I was in my own little world.
Then finally:

Me: Thanks for checking in, amongst the millions of thoughts that were racing thru my head today I was trying to figure out how to get back to seeing you twice a week again.  it's not possible, for a number of reasons, but the in between texting helps.  And being thought of by you means a lot too.  If I could only bottle it.
L: I'll buy a bottle manufacturing company.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

I can't remember if she asked 'What would a perfect session look like to you?' or if she asked more along the lines of  "How would you like our relationship to look like?'.  Both similar yet very different. Maybe I'll give each some thought.  I'm not sure but I think they were just 'million dollar'-like questions (e.g. If you won a million dollars and could do whatever you wanted what would it be? or If your life was perfect what would it look like?) but she also said she'd be willing to try anything (I'm sure she meant 'almost' anything!!)

Thinking about these questions this morning I was also wondering what would it take for me to trust her, to believe she won't abandon me? Maybe it's not one answer, or even a set of answers, but something that has to be grown?  But how, and with what? I still can't see it clearly.  It's scary to think that I don't have an answer for that.

I was also thinking about my daughter this morning and how would I answer if she asked 'What would it take for me to trust you mom?' And strangely I don't have an answer for her either, it's just something that I know.  The love I have for her cannot come from anyone else but me.  And as much as I want her to know that I will always be there for her there really is no way, that I can think of to 'prove' it to her.

So is a simple answer that I just must believe? And if it's so simple why is it so hard? What is this so-called 'power' that I fear losing?

Could I dare ask for a session in her house? To see where she lives and to get a glimpse of her most personal self. Would that be part of my million dollar answer?  To be able to share in a tangible way some of her?  To sit on her couch and talk in a connected, intimate way? To really let down my walls.

It also occurred to me that as much as I want her to feel towards me the same way I feel towards my daughter, I know (or almost know) that she can't. It's not her fault, it's not that she could if she really wanted to, or even if she just tried harder! But it's simply not possible.  Hard to be angry at her for that (although I'm giving it a good run!)

It also occurred to me yesterday that I don't want to cross into a friendship (not that it's an option).  I need her to be my therapist right now.  But also hope that it morphs into something else, or maybe it's morphing now? To be comfortable with the ebb and flow?

Such ramblings today, I'm in a weird place and I'm trying to be comfortable with it.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

I'm so damn predictable.  I contacted L via text and I have an appointment Wednesday afternoon.  Now the usual go, or not to go??

Of course I've been playing it over and over in my head so I thought I throw up all these thoughts via this blog and see what sticks!

Not in a particular order:

My 'go to' reaction is to go, but not talk.  I would do that to 'punish' her.  And yes of course that's what I did as a kid to 'punish' my mother.  I would just shut down and crawl into my self.  I guess it worked then, although I'm not really sure.  I know it drove her crazy (maybe even literally!!!) but other than that I'm not sure if it served me well.

So fast forward 40-something years later and the question still remains the same, does shutting down and crawling into myself serve me well?? ( man, I've been in therapy way toooooo long)

That's actually a complicated question, or maybe it's just the answer that's complicated.

It's something to do with power, or maybe it's just 'perceived' power (another example of way too much therapy!). If I actually talk with L and tell her what's going on then I would most likely feel better.  I'm sure I'd feel a good connection with her and it would carry me through the week (or is that 'weak'?). But in thinking about it I'm afraid that I would be giving up something, or losing something.  I guess that's where the power comes in.  Although I'm not really clear on what that actually means.

I also hate this situation that I constantly find myself in.  I resent her in some way. She'll say all the right things, assure me that my feelings aren't weird and it's ok for me to want to connect with her. But it's one way.  Although I know she'll say it's not.  But there is a power in-balance and she's got most of it.

Still need to think about this a lot more.......or maybe I need to actually talk about this........nah!!!!!

Friday, January 3, 2014

Maybe I'm making too much out of this, or maybe it really is a turning point? Soooooo dramatic on my part!

And if I texted, what would I say?  Just simply "Do you have any time next week?" Do I really need to communicate how I'm feeling in a text?

Maybe she did text me, but I never got it, so now she's waiting for my response?

While writing this out I somehow stopped and convinced myself to text her.  I told myself that I would do it for me, so I could stop having this run through my head, although now I'm not sure it will stop.

She quickly replied back and asked if I wanted to come in on Wednesday, which is usually a day that I would come in, but I can't this week.  So now I've replied that I can't and that I could do Friday.

Unfortunately part of me is screaming inside 'Fuck her, I can't wait til Friday' and 'Fuck her, I'm not gonna wait til Friday, I'm not gonna go at all'.....

I'm sure there's more 'Fuck her' screaming inside and it's just making me feel more sad writing this out.

I don't want to get in to yet another 'pissing' contest via text.  At the same time I don't want to take the high road and act like a grown-up.  I want to hurt her in a way that will convey the hurt I've been feeling the past few days.

I also am aware that the hurt I've been feeling has all been made up, I've construed it, I've constructed it.

I know it's childish but I want to text her 'did you forget about me?' or 'were you ever going to reach out to me?'

Feeling like crawling under a rock right now.  Or atleast under some warm blankets.

I'm embarrassed to even post this, but I need to let it go.  Throw it out and see how it comes back to me.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

I'm writing this because I know how stupid it is and hoping this will help adjust my way or another.

I haven't seen L in over 2 weeks, and at the moment I don't even have another appointment set...and I'll be damned if I'll be the one to flinch first (yes, I know, crazy thinking).

We exchanged some texts on the 23rd, including one in which I said I couldn't see her on the 24th, but asking her to let me know if/when she had time to meet next week (which would have been this week).  I never did hear from her. I figured I would have heard by the end of last week or at the latest the beginning of this week, but that did not happen.

Now every time my phone goes off notifying me of a text I'm hoping it's her.  However, each time my phone goes off and it's not her I keep getting angrier and angrier.  I hate when I'm in the place, but I'm not willing to let it go either.