Thursday, September 8, 2016

When I most comfortable with myself?  When I am home alone, living in my head.  Weird?  Probably.

I hate scheduling problems.  Makes me feel like I don't matter.  And is that an old feeling?  Probably. But it still doesn't mean that it's not true, that I matter. I'm a little jealous of her clients in Tennessee. And yes, I understand that its crazy to believe that. Although I have to admit that I seem to be processing a bit different than I normally do.  I also held off on a funny comment, which would have been made to lighten the mood, at least in my head.

I'm scared to connect, really connect with C. Funny, can't even write her full name.  I think it will be too much.  I think I will be too much.

Should I text her or not this weekend.  With us not doing Monday's session, because of Labor Day, and me having a hard time with that, she suggested I text so I don't feel so disconnected and anxious.

I think I may  need to talk about 'hugging' again soon....see what I mean about being too much.

Was Li a narcissist? Or just my mother? Or am I drawn to narcissistic people? Am I a narcissist?

There must have been a time before the anger, before pushing her away, before putting up the walls?  I wonder when that was. I assume it wasn't one incident that then launched a thousand walls, but a culmination of events. Is that the reason for the longing now.

I miss the text messages between Li and I.  Not the agonizing ones, like if we're in the middle of a rupture.  But the funny ones, which were also therapeutic.

I definitely don't want to need Celia.

How can I trust Celia?  And should I trust her to the extent that I really want to?

How do you know when to fight for someone, or let them go?

As an update, I did text Celia yesterday.
Me: So my text...It's a longing, wish I understood it better, but how to get past it? A rhetorical question for now.
C: I'm hear; listening..We will keep talking it through, together.

I felt better after the text exchange, now the question rises again Do I text Celia? And I have been thinking about texting L too.  Guess it's just one of those weekends.  Maybe cause my wife and daughter have been away?  Too much alone time.

With Claire and Li I always felt best and less obsessive when I felt connected. I am scared to feel that with Celia. Maybe I don't want to feel good? Maybe I'm convinced she'll leave? Maybe I don't want her thinking I'm ok?

I wish , like I did with Claire and Li , that she would sit next to me.

Maybe it's not connection, but feeling secure?  Is that possible? I finally get what a 'secure base' means to me. Very interesting

I wish Celia sat next to me. Sometimes I imagine what that would look and feel like. Sometimes I picture us talking outside sitting on a bench.