Monday, December 14, 2015

It still makes me sad.  I mean I'm not in the fetal position drooling kind of sad, but I wonder why she hasn't reached out to me. Why was she so supportive and pretty available before, but not now?  I can't imagine it was money, but maybe it's 'professionalism'?

I do pretty much like my new therapist C. I am different with her, atleast at the moment.  I'm open with many of my crazy thoughts but I don't expect so much from her as I did with L.  Maybe it's just too soon.

I foolishly have been reading some of my old journals.  I was in such pain for so long.  Today I read a little about my first few sessions with L.  I was pretty much attached to her from the start, and I knew it.

I'm not sure if I'm consciously keeping C at bay or is it just growth on my part, not needing to attach to her as desperately as I did with L.

Part of me misses the intensity, I think

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

I wonder if I'll ever stop wonderingly? Will she actually ever reach out to me? Will we ever go on that hike? Will we ever meet for coffee and catch up? Or will we just be friends in name only? And if so will I be ok with that? Ya know, take the high road and simply appreciate what we head, a client-therapist relationship?

When I say somewhat-snarky, sarcastic comments about L my wife tells me, in her own loving-snarky way that I'm being too hard on L.  She's probably right, and I try and remember that her life has changed considerabley and she's probably swamped, and maybe overwhelmed and she just needs some time. And that helps....a little.

I'm actually still doing ok. Yes I'm still sad, and angry, and hurt by what happened with L, but I'm ok. I'm assuming it has a lot to do with the Abilify that I've been taking for a few weeks now, but even before taking it I wasn't as incapacitated as I always imagined I would be.

Monday, December 7, 2015

This is a little weird. I mean not totally crazy but i am trying to figure out how it sits with me.

At our last session, which was another good one, and I have to say I don't leave feeling so anxious as I would often with L...not that I'm comparing of course..but anyway. We were talking about my family and I was giving her history about each of them and how abuse, whether it be sexual or drug/alcohol had affected them.

Somehow we got to politics and I said who I was supporting for president, she then told me that she was supporting the same candidate. I let her know that our candidate would also be at the college in town on Saturday, she seemed very excited about that news. We then bantered for a few minutes about the other candidates. She then jokingly said that 'I can't talk politics' and we continued our more therapeutic conversation.

The next day the local campaign coordinator let me know that the candidate would be making a surprise appearance before his speech at the college campus. The coordinator knew I couldn't make the speech so he wanted to give me a heads up so maybe I could make the surprise location. Unfortunately I couldn't make either event, but I figured C would love to get a chance to meet the candidate, so I sent her is text:

Me: You didn't hear this from me, and we're not talking politics, but if you want to see Bernie and you can't get on to campus, I have it on good authority that he'll be at the town tree lighting between 4:30-5:00 today.

C: 😀

I was comfortable sending her the text, and her response. I didn't really think much of it other than wishing I could be there too, maybe run into C there so I could introduce her to my wife and child.

Later that day I get a text from C

C: Thank you
    And then she attached a pic of her and Bernie

That thru me for a little bit of a loop. I responded back later and told her I was jealous, which I wa, but just a little bit.

But I think what really thru me is now having a picture of her, that she sent.

Are we becoming too friendly? Is that ok?

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

About 2 1/2 weeks ago I convinced myself to take the Abilify that my pdoc had prescribed. I have taken many, many difference antidepressants, and this past July my pdoc (who is new to me) had me switch from Prozac, to Lexapro. My mood had taken a nosedive in early June and I couldn't shake my new found crazies. She had seen good results with Lexapro and it was actually an antidepressant that I had never tried!

By the end of August ,  early September I started to feel some relief. But then this whole L-up-and-leaving-thing happened. I certainly sunk very, very low, but I think the feelings were 'normal' and I could label it 'grief'. However in meeting with my pdoc she agreed it was grief but she also felt I could use something to give me a little boost. I agreed, sort of. I'm not a huge fan of meds, but I couldn't deny how I was feeling.

When I got home I googled Abilify and was surprised to find out that it's classified as an anti-psychotic, used mainly to treat schizophrenia. I really questioned my pdoc and her choice of meds.

But I still wasn't feeling good, so googled some more, and didn't stop at the first article I read. Ability is also used to treat bipolar, which I may have, and also depression, which I clearly have struggled with my entire life.

Her recommended dosage was small 2.5mg and I should see results in a few days. So I did it, and I'm glad I did, I think.

I feel pretty good.  Not really manic, but I wonder is this what normal people feel like?  I'm engaged, I'm exercising, I'm motivated to get things done.  Maybe a little too motivated, but maybe that's not a bad thing.