So, guess who was up in my area yesterday? Yup, L and her boyfriend. Did I actually see them? No. But Facebook did! I already know that I should unfriend her, or I think I should, or I think I know. I have turned off her automatic feeds to me but I can still look on her page, which is what I did.
Pangs. Pangs of sadness, of hurt, of anger, of jealousy. Pangs of confusion too. In a recent text L told me that she'd be up in my area within the next couple of weeks (which is a two hour drive each way) and that she would stop in for some ice cream, but she didn't.
My rational side has already brought up various scenarios which would wholeheartedly explain/support why I didn't hear from her. And of course they range from things that have nothing to do with me at all, to she outright didn't/doesn't want to see me, she's just stringing me along. Or maybe a little lighter with she means well but doesn't follow through. Or maybe she wanted to spend 'quality/alone' time with me and couldn't on what her boyfriend referred to as a quick trip up north.
And of course my emotional side has taken quite a hold of me as well. Both wanting her and hating her. She looked good in the photos. Happy. Healthy.
I had been thinking these past few days that maybe we could still have a relationship. Not a therapy one, but something else. Not sure if I'm being reasonable with that. Not sure if it's good for me. Yet maybe we could work through a good balance. But maybe not too. Like an abusive relationship that I keep going back to. Too harsh?