Monday, December 14, 2015

It still makes me sad.  I mean I'm not in the fetal position drooling kind of sad, but I wonder why she hasn't reached out to me. Why was she so supportive and pretty available before, but not now?  I can't imagine it was money, but maybe it's 'professionalism'?

I do pretty much like my new therapist C. I am different with her, atleast at the moment.  I'm open with many of my crazy thoughts but I don't expect so much from her as I did with L.  Maybe it's just too soon.

I foolishly have been reading some of my old journals.  I was in such pain for so long.  Today I read a little about my first few sessions with L.  I was pretty much attached to her from the start, and I knew it.

I'm not sure if I'm consciously keeping C at bay or is it just growth on my part, not needing to attach to her as desperately as I did with L.

Part of me misses the intensity, I think

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

I wonder if I'll ever stop wonderingly? Will she actually ever reach out to me? Will we ever go on that hike? Will we ever meet for coffee and catch up? Or will we just be friends in name only? And if so will I be ok with that? Ya know, take the high road and simply appreciate what we head, a client-therapist relationship?

When I say somewhat-snarky, sarcastic comments about L my wife tells me, in her own loving-snarky way that I'm being too hard on L.  She's probably right, and I try and remember that her life has changed considerabley and she's probably swamped, and maybe overwhelmed and she just needs some time. And that helps....a little.

I'm actually still doing ok. Yes I'm still sad, and angry, and hurt by what happened with L, but I'm ok. I'm assuming it has a lot to do with the Abilify that I've been taking for a few weeks now, but even before taking it I wasn't as incapacitated as I always imagined I would be.

Monday, December 7, 2015

This is a little weird. I mean not totally crazy but i am trying to figure out how it sits with me.

At our last session, which was another good one, and I have to say I don't leave feeling so anxious as I would often with L...not that I'm comparing of course..but anyway. We were talking about my family and I was giving her history about each of them and how abuse, whether it be sexual or drug/alcohol had affected them.

Somehow we got to politics and I said who I was supporting for president, she then told me that she was supporting the same candidate. I let her know that our candidate would also be at the college in town on Saturday, she seemed very excited about that news. We then bantered for a few minutes about the other candidates. She then jokingly said that 'I can't talk politics' and we continued our more therapeutic conversation.

The next day the local campaign coordinator let me know that the candidate would be making a surprise appearance before his speech at the college campus. The coordinator knew I couldn't make the speech so he wanted to give me a heads up so maybe I could make the surprise location. Unfortunately I couldn't make either event, but I figured C would love to get a chance to meet the candidate, so I sent her is text:

Me: You didn't hear this from me, and we're not talking politics, but if you want to see Bernie and you can't get on to campus, I have it on good authority that he'll be at the town tree lighting between 4:30-5:00 today.

C: 😀

I was comfortable sending her the text, and her response. I didn't really think much of it other than wishing I could be there too, maybe run into C there so I could introduce her to my wife and child.

Later that day I get a text from C

C: Thank you
    And then she attached a pic of her and Bernie

That thru me for a little bit of a loop. I responded back later and told her I was jealous, which I wa, but just a little bit.

But I think what really thru me is now having a picture of her, that she sent.

Are we becoming too friendly? Is that ok?

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

About 2 1/2 weeks ago I convinced myself to take the Abilify that my pdoc had prescribed. I have taken many, many difference antidepressants, and this past July my pdoc (who is new to me) had me switch from Prozac, to Lexapro. My mood had taken a nosedive in early June and I couldn't shake my new found crazies. She had seen good results with Lexapro and it was actually an antidepressant that I had never tried!

By the end of August ,  early September I started to feel some relief. But then this whole L-up-and-leaving-thing happened. I certainly sunk very, very low, but I think the feelings were 'normal' and I could label it 'grief'. However in meeting with my pdoc she agreed it was grief but she also felt I could use something to give me a little boost. I agreed, sort of. I'm not a huge fan of meds, but I couldn't deny how I was feeling.

When I got home I googled Abilify and was surprised to find out that it's classified as an anti-psychotic, used mainly to treat schizophrenia. I really questioned my pdoc and her choice of meds.

But I still wasn't feeling good, so googled some more, and didn't stop at the first article I read. Ability is also used to treat bipolar, which I may have, and also depression, which I clearly have struggled with my entire life.

Her recommended dosage was small 2.5mg and I should see results in a few days. So I did it, and I'm glad I did, I think.

I feel pretty good.  Not really manic, but I wonder is this what normal people feel like?  I'm engaged, I'm exercising, I'm motivated to get things done.  Maybe a little too motivated, but maybe that's not a bad thing.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

I don't have much time to write today, but I really want to at least get some of it out. C, my T has asked on a couple of different occasions, at the start of our sessions, 'what does it feel like coming here for therapy'. I typically give a short, smart ass, deflective-type answer. But last night and thinking more today I want to give her a much different response next time, or at least that's how I feel right now.

I want to tell her that yes, it's very different but maybe what I really need right now. Maybe I do need the silences, maybe I do need to just tell, and feel my story. I miss my relationship with L but maybe it wasn't really, or totally therapy. Or maybe it was therapy, sort of, but I need something different now. I really do like my new therapist C, but right now, at this very moment it seems like I may be getting really good 'therapy' right now.

I know there's a lot more, but it's a start.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Went to see/exprience Ani DiFranco for the first time the other night. I have always liked her, she is such a powerhouse wrapped up in such a petite frame. As with most good artists her writings continue to morph as her life changes. In preparation for her concert I had been listening to her new album(funny I still refer to it as an album) Allergic to Water, and one song in particular has really grabbed a hold of me 'Rainy Parade'.

                                              "Rainy Parade"

Are you facing east or west
Or north or south?
When it gets cold outside
Do you get brought in
Or do you get left out?
Are you in the shade of something bigger
Or are you right out in the sun?
Are you down there in the trenches
Or at the top of the mountain?

Either way you better take your lemons
And make your lemonade
Life’s a rainy parade

Have you felt the longing in a seed?
Have you felt it swimming in its need?
Pushing through into the light
Then you know what I’m sayin’
When I’m sayin’ it’s gonna be alright

You just got to take your lemons
And make your lemonade
Have your rainy parade

Listen to the beating of the drum
Look at the smiles on everyone
Who says it’s better to be dry?
The mighty oak trees are so happy right now
They could cry

So you best better take your lemons
And make your lemonade

Have your rainy parade

I think it's the mix of good/bad, happy/sad at the thought of a rainy parade. It makes me think of when people ask, or when my therapist ask 'how are you?' I sort of feel bad cause I can never say, and truly mean it, that I'm good, or happy.  I usually respond with 'it's a bunch of things.'  And maybe you can never really be totally happy, and I guess the juxtaposition is that you're really never totally sad.

Are you facing east or west
T north or south?
When it gets cold outside
Do you get brought in
Or do you get left out?
Are you in the shade of something bigger
Or are you right out in the sun?
Are you down there in the trenches
Or at the top of the mountain?

Either way you better take your lemons
And make your lemonade

Life’s a rainy parade
Have you felt the longing in a seed?
Have you felt it swimming in its need?
Pushing through into the light
Then you know what I’m sayin’
When I’m sayin’ it’s gonna be alright

You just got to take your lemons
And make your lemonade
Have your rainy parade

Listen to the beating of the drum
Look at the smiles on everyone
Who says it’s better to be dry?
The mighty oak trees are so happy right now
They could cry

So you best better take your lemons
And make your lemonade
Have your rainy parade

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

I had my first FaceTime session with C, in fact it was my first FaceTime session ever.  I was very nervous but it went much better than I thought it would.  I thought there would be lots/too much silence, but other than the loss connection (she is in Mexico and service isn't that stable) it was ok.....well until the last 30 seconds.

I guess it could be called doorknob therapy, but it wasn't me that threw something in at the end, it was C. We're still talking a lot about L and past therapy relationships/experiences, and then also trying to lay some groundwork for what therapy with C will look like.

Anyway, she said right at the end 'That too much therapy is a concern that we need to talk about', then our time was up.

My first response was that she is concerned that I've been in therapy too long/too much.  That scared me, like she was getting ready to speed this up and get me out the door.  I thought of calling her right back or texting her but I know she's on vacation, and we haven't talked about the appropriateness of me calling/texting, so I'm gonna have to sit and wait, or more like stew.

On the other hand, she may be right, maybe I have been in therapy way too long, maybe I over think, and maybe I spend too much time on it?

Then it also occurred to me that maybe she meant that I am concerned about how long I've been in therapy? That sits a little better with me, but I certainly can't/wont convince myself that this is what she meant.

Crap, this will now roll around in my head for quite some time. I may bring it up to M tonight after I pick them up from the airport, but I don't think she'll be able to answer it either.  I'm hoping just telling her will make me feel better and less obsessive about it.

Monday, November 9, 2015

I sent L a text this morning

Me: How's your new job?
L: Good, paperwork is overwhelming but getting through it. How are you? Feeling more balanced I hope. Are you getting closer to be ready for a hike?
Me: I'm still a bit all over the place, but it's really good to hear from you. Talking with M and C is helping. C says it's grief and my reactions are 'normal'. Going for a hike, amongst other things is still on my list but given the weather maybe it will have to wait till spring.
L: understand but last week was in the 70's so if that's forecast again we would think about it.
Me: Last week was really good ice cream weather! Well if you find you're coming up to my neck of the woods let me know so we can figure it out.
L: Sounds like a plan

It felt good to connect with her. I was a little surprised that she brought up going for a hike, and maybe a little nervous. I don't want to push her away but I also don't want to rush something if I'm not ready.

I'm glad I broke the ice.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

I miss her. I miss knowing she was in my life, a part of my life. It's still surreal.

I had a session with C this past Wednesday. Still too much silence at times, but she says that sometimes it's important to just sit with the pain, the grief. That's what C says it is, grief, a very painful and major loss. And as many times as I say it's crazy she tells me how normal what I'm feeling is. Her validation has helped.

I have been feeling so sad and hopeless. Afraid that I'll always feel this way. My reaction seems too extreme and a bit scary.

C told me that I will start feeling better, little by little. She says it's gonna take time though, and even then there will still be times where it will cut me at the knees. She says that's how grief works.

Much too my surprise I actually felt 'pretty good' on Friday. Maybe I was starting to feel better, bit by bit? My wife and I had a date night. I felt a little like my old self, sort of. Maybe I might find motivation again? I felt love and warmth being with my daughter, watching her walk into the playground, telling her how much I loved her and having her roll her roll her 9 year old eyes at me!

Saturday morning I drove my wife and daughter to the airport. They are going on a long planned trip to visit M's sister in New Mexico. It was a 2 1/2 trip into Boston to get to the airport. During that drive L came up in conversation. It triggered something. I asked more of what she and L talked about at the 'last session', more about L's health issues. Although heart issues run in L's family she was surprised by her heart attack. She is a runner and a swimmer, she had past the magical age of 50 over 6 years ago, so she thought she was somewhat in the clear. She was wrong.

My mind started to get lost. I wanted to reach out to L, text her. After dropping my family off at the airport I now got live in my head for the  2 1/2 hour ride back. Drive past the exit to L's office. The sadness came back. I miss her.

I got home and tried tried to distract myself . Damn Facebook. There she was, one of L's friends had tagged her in a pic. She had thrown a going away party for one of her friends.

Her life continued, and mine continued to spiral.

Monday, November 2, 2015

I've been wondering what my next steps are supposed to be. Is it to forgive L? Is it to figure out how she fits in my life now, if at all?

I feel a little lost. Like I don't know where I'm going and I need direction.

Maybe I'm just trying to fill up some hole?

How long do I continue therapy-for-therapy?

Friday, October 30, 2015

I didn't go in.,   There were a lot of things playing in my head on the way down, and the more I drove the deeper I retreated.  My wife knew.  I had told her earlier that I was too angry at L.  I told M that I didn't think I could handle another letdown from L. And I also told her that I was sure that I didn't matter much to L or should would have planned this out better, and considered my feelings more.

Needless to say it was a long two hour drive down.  I didn't say a word, I just seethed.  M tried to fill the dead air with conversation but it really didn't alleviate any of the crap that was floating around.

When we finally got there M asked if I was going in.  I told her I couldn't decide, I was so torn. I sort of wanted to but I wouldn't let myself.  In thinking about it later on I admitted to myself that I just wanted to inflict some pain on L.  I wanted her to feel the anguish I felt. I wanted her to worry about me. Of course I know that never happened.  And I also knew I was replaying a common occurrence with my mother.

I sat outside.  First in the car, then I paced outside for a while.  Certainly hoping the entire time that L would come down and talk with me.  I sat on some stairs, across from the door, waiting. I knew I was testing her, and I also knew that she always failed my tests.  She failed, but I lost.

An hour later M emerged from the front door, for a second my heart had hoped that L was behind her, but I knew.

L never came down.

I was furious and crushed all at the same time.  Of course I didn't have any right to be.  I paused, thinking I should go up, but then quickly drove out of the parking lot, didn't want to give myself any time to think it over. I even stopped one more time about 1/4 mile up, but then sped off.

I started to choke up and cry.  I starting bamboozling M with questions, including why didn't L come down.  Which she correctly stated that I told her that I didn't want to talk to L.  The anger continued to rise, I could physically feel it starting in my gut and working it's way up.  I spewed all kinds of nasty, twisted things about L to M, she just let me rant.  Then M foolishly tried to understand what was going for me.  Where did all this anger come from?  She said she figured I was feeling abandoned, but L would still be around she stated, I could still see her, and not pay for it(M's words)!

And you know what happened next? I let my vulnerability come thru.  I was able to explain the loss I was feeling.  The love I had for L and how much pain I was in.  It took a bit.  I even told M that I knew that I had made much progress with L, and part of the reason was the closeness and connectedness that we shared.

I have worked with many other therapist with no real movement, but I also never experienced the same type of relationship.  I am at a different place than when I first started with L.  Unfortunately her leaving also caused me deep, gut wrenching pain. It's like two sides of the same coin. M truly got that, and me.

Since that conversation last night I have thanked M numerous times.  Thanked her for letting me rant, thanked her for trying to understand what I was going through, and thanked her for letting me feel that closeness with her again.

I texted L this morning:

Me: I'm sure I'll come around...but it really does suck to feel like I'm chasing someone

L: Really sorry you didn't come in last night missed you.  I look forward to you getting more balanced with this.

I'm mostly ok with her response, although I really didn't like 'you getting more balanced', like this is all self inflicted and her hands are clean.....still more angry crap for me to figure out.  I haven't let it ruin my day completely, but I know I've got more to go.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Still not sure.  I meet my wife in about an hour to then drive down to meet L. I'm still pretty angry, hurt, mad...I really hate her for doing this, and I also feel very rushed.  Like I don't, and never really did matter.

I met again with new T  last night.  I like C, but the silences are difficult.  That certainly was/is one of the things I liked about L, we didn't have too many silences, she could always carry the conversation.  Maybe that wasn't always so good, but it usually felt good, except of course when it didn't!

I've seen C 3 times now.  I think she gets it.  To use her words 'it's a major loss, and I don't even know everything yet'.  She said that I have a good understanding and insight into what's going on with me. I do think she is taken a bit back by how quickly this is happening, how soon L is terminating with me given that we've had such an intense, long relationship.  C never said those words, and has never outright questioned anything that has transpired, and maybe I'm projecting, but I'm pretty certain she wished there was a longer transition time, mostly for my sake. Even more so because of my history of being abandoned.

I feel like if I go see L tonight I'll be 'sweet talked' again, especially with my wife there.

I don't want to regret not going either

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Maybe I was in denial.  She did said that she was leaving in November, but I guess to me that was still pretty open ended, no definitive date.  So when I went to see L yesterday, in a fairly decent mood, ready to, and wanting to talk about what our relationship would look like going forward, I was knocked on my ass when she said today was to be our last session.  Feels 'dead' to even write that.

I thought my anger had subsided over the past two weeks.  I thought I was in a better place.  Not 'the' place, not a great or even good place, but certainly better. What a fool I was/am.  It all came bubbling back up.

It took me a bit to get the words out.  'I didn't know today was our last day'.  She said 'Oh, did you need more time?  What else did you want to say? Do you need some sort of cushion?'.  Those things continued to piss me off.  Feeling like I am now an inconvenience.  My usefulness is gone.

So angry.  It's been nearly 5 years and I'm supposed to wrap this up in 3 weeks.  Fuck you.  Fuck her.

If someone had told you they had cancer and were dying and 3 weeks later they did wouldn't you say 'Man that was fast'? I know that's overly dramatic, but really 'a cushion'?  Fuck you.  Why the rush?

I guess lucky for me, I have 90 minute sessions (or should I say 'had'), which gave me some time to stew for a bit, shut down, play her words over and over again in my head, until I was finally willing to spew out some sarcastic crap (oh, I'm so mature).  And then I switched to some easier stuff, recent stories about my kid, a new business adventure that I'm kicking around...etc.

Then I finally got around to asking what our relationship would now look like.

She said that it was up to us to figure that out, and really whatever I'm comfortable with.  It won't be a typical friendship, sort of, and it certainly wouldn't be therapy.  But it's up to us to figure this out. Writing this out right now it sort of taking some of my anger away.  Weird, but honestly I don't want the anger gone yet.

I told her that maybe I'm being delusional thinking she would still be in my life.  She said she really wants to be.  She wants me to continue to text her with stuff, she wants me to let her know what's going on, how my family is, how the shop is doing...etc.  Meet occasionally for coffee or lunch, go on the hike we talked about....etc.

She told me this story about a clinical supervisor that she had in college, and then when she got into the real world she was able to continue to receive paid supervision from this women.  She played a large role in L's life and they continued on with a friendship for years.  Meeting for lunch, exchanging emails...etc.  Unfortunately this woman died, but her 'friendship' meant a lot to L.  She imagined that maybe we would have something similar.

She has said things in the past that never happened.  I think she always means well, although sometimes I think she says them just to be nice or pacify me.  And I know that I take most things to heart, and maybe pick about her words.  Or maybe she just wants me to followup on things she has offered.

I don't know, it's all crazy making.

And I actually will see her officially one more time.  My wife and I saw L for couples counseling briefly a year or so ago.  My wife has also met L, with me there, to talk about me and what had been going on and how she could be of help.

Anyway, my wife has asked if we could meet with L one last time so she could get some closure, and also, once again, to talk about how she could help me during this time. So we will go tomorrow night.

Definitely mixed feelings about what else is new??

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

I guess I'm doing better, or at least not bad, considering. It's strange but part of me doesn't want to be better. I wonder why. Maybe it's just the fear of losing her, and if I don't feel strongly, or constantly about what's going on then she's gone.

Surprisingly I was able to start working with another therapist, someone so close that her office is literally across the street from my shop. I actually didn't want to see someone in the same town or even adjoining towns. But when I came across this woman's name on the list it was comforting because it was someone I knew in passing, as she is a customer of ours, and I've always liked our quick chats and gotten a good vibe from her.

Monday, October 19, 2015

I'm still all over the place. Pretty much sad all the time, like an undercurrent that's always there. It's not a depression like side though, it's definitely a loss-type feeling. I haven't cried so much in such a long time. Not even for my father's death, my mother's death, or even my 15 month old nephew's death. My wife is very worried about me. This news has taken us both by surprise. I'm trying to be conscious about not crawling inside myself, but old habits are very hard to resist.

I've texted L a few times since, but I haven't found any relief with our exchanges. She hasn't been consistent with her responses, even taken up to 2 days to respond, even though she told me she was around and welcomed my texts. I try to be an adult and understand that she has a lot going on, including moving to her newly renovated home, but it still hurts. I wonder if her lack of response is maybe due to her health, maybe another heart attack? Then I think she just wants to shut me out, she doesn't want to, or can't handle my anger.

It really sucks that I can no longer fool myself, I never meant anything to her. We kidded once about her adopting me, I know it was said in jest, but there is/was a part of me that hung in to that.

I keep replaying in my head how she told me. I wasn't there more than 5 minutes. We started with the basic nicities, and then she looked at me and said she had to tell me something that she knew I wouldn't like. She had accepted another position.

Everything stopped. My world stopped. My mind actually went black. It was like standing in a small room and someone shut off the lights, *click*, and then total blackness. Not even a fade to black, it was immediate. Nothing good was ever going to happen again.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

L told me today that she has taken another position, running a clinic, and will be closing down her practice. She also finally told me that two weeks ago she had a heart attack. I never saw it coming, yet I've been waiting 5 years for the shoe to drop. I don't even know how to begin to process this.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

I texted her after my session yesterday but I haven't heard back. It's bothering me, I keep checking my phone but nothing. This isn't the first time, especially when it's been a difficult session, and she has always had a valid reason or explanation for not getting back to me. But knowing although hasn't brought me total relief, although it also hasn't taken over total control either.

At the beginning of the summer I finally worked up the nerve to ask if we could go on a hike for one of our sessions. She had been spending time up in my neck of the woods so we had a couple of sessions near where I live and not in her office, which is nearly a two hour drive each way. Unfortunately due to circumstances beyond either of our control it never panned out. And now that summer is pretty much over and our schedules are a little more rigid she doesn't come up to her summer home as much.

This has been on my mind for quite some time.  I kept hoping she would bring it up cause I have been too scared to. It matters too much to me and I hate that it matters little to her. Those are my words and thoughts of course but the longer I ruminate about it the more I cement it as truth in my brain.

I really wanted to share the experience of a hike with her. And the top of this particular hike in the White Mountains has a spectacular view. In my head I had hoped to sit next to her when we reached the top and take in the beauty of it with her.

This though of sitting next to her made me also long to sit next to her in session, in her office. Her joining me on the couch. Boy, that sounds maybe a little lurid to write but I don't mean it that way. I mean it in the same way when I put my 9 year old to bed and she lays in the crook my arm. Although with L it would just be the physical proximity and not anything more than that.

In driving to her office yesterday, and during the week inbetween our last session I had thought about asking her to sit next to me.  It's funny how brave I am before T-day. How confident I am of my thoughts and feelings. But then I lose all sense of it and by the time I'm actually sitting in front of her. I can barely recall my intentions, never mind the feelings that were behind it.

It took me until about the 85th minute, of our normally 90 minute sessions to get most of th words. I had danced around it, I had pushed and pulled, I started and stopped, and finally at minute 89 I told her about wanting her to sit on the couch with me. It took a lot to get those words out. To tell her the lead-up-to-story of our failed plan of going on a hike, of what it meant to me. She finally got it. What happened next is sort of a blur to me.

Why hasn't she texted me back?

Monday, September 14, 2015

I've wanted to write for so long. Somehow thinking and hoping that putting it out there will help me make some sense of my thoughts. Or at the very least getting some relief. But for some reason I haven't made the time. Instead I have preferred the distraction of reading other blogs and forums.

So, without further ado, and in no particular order, here's some of,the crap that has been floating around in my head:

I turned 50 at the end of July. Ugh! I 'know' it's not really a big deal, and my life didn't change, but some of my thinking has. I'm technically old now, and being around college kids has reinforced that. Many of my staff call me Mom, which I do find endearing, but I'm very much aware that I am in fact older than most of their parents ! I'm also more aware of the brevity of life and how quickly it goes by. Did I say Ugh already!!

The death of my friend Michelle has been and still is hard. I still haven't wrapped my head around her being gone. When I go by the school playground, or go pickup my daughter she is quite often present with me. We had so many wonderful, and meaningful conversations there.

For nearly two months I have been extremely agitated. People and things that I normally would find some joy in have pissed me off!! Very stupid things. Like being on a vacation and a friend making me breakfast totally sent my head spinning! In fact I couldn't stand being around anyone. The only plus side was that I had time to get back to running during my vacation, and mostly cause I wanted to be alone.
I don't know how my wife has put up with me during this whole time. Actually she ticked me off because the first day into vacation she went and broke her ankle! And of course I had very little empathy for her, all I could do is be pissed at how it affected me. So selfish, I know. And it's weird, it's like I'm watching a movie.  I know how horrible I'm being, I'm very aware of the thoughts and frustrations that come into my head, but for the most part it didn't help contain or change my actions. It's like I knew I was being an asshole, but it didn't matter, the thoughts kept coming.

I had a non-relates follow up appointment with my primary care in the middle of all this and I sort of told her what was happening.  Maybe it's the start of menopause ? Maybe it's my meds? Who knows, so she recommended a psychiatric nurse practitioner . So I called and luckily she had a cancellation so I was able to see her within 2 weeks time. We talked about possible causes and avenues for resolution. Right now I'm coming off Prozac and going on Lexapro. It's only been a couple of weeks, yet it feels like an eternity, but it's too soon to tell if this alone will help.

Lots more to write, especially about therapy and the struggles with L, but it will have to wait.

Friday, July 17, 2015

My friend Michelle died last night, I just found out today. We exchanged texts on Wednesday.  The chemo wasn't working, she was out of options.  Three years fighting, but it was now time to call hospice.  I thought we'd still have time.  Time to talk like we used to.  Time for me to somehow help.  Were there things that she wanted me to do for her?  What about her 2 boys?

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Interesting session yesterday and I feel pretty good about it all today. She was up in my territory yesterday so instead of me driving 2 hours each way to her office we met at a coffee shop the next town over from me. Of course it's great that I don't have to waste the entire day driving, although that has its benefits too, meeting her outside of her office is not alway as intimate as I would like/need, and I finally shared that with her last time we met so she's aware of it now.
A couple random thoughts:
    My daughter wanted me to ask L if she would come to her play this Friday. My daughter, who's 9 is extremely excited about her play and wants anyone we've ever met to come! and secretly instead I would have wanted L there too! So I did bring it up during our session, half kidding, but still hoping, and L responded that she really would love to come but she's heading back to main home on Froday morning. But she said that she hopes to be up in my area a lot this summer so if my daughter has another performance she would love to come! In telling my wife M this last night she said 'ya, that sounds like something L would do.'
 Of course because we were in a local coffee shop, and I'm a local business owner I wasn't surprised that I would see people I knew, which didn't really bother me. However I wasn't prepared for a local college professor that I've done some community work with to be at the shop and beyond saying Hi to each other he came over to ask me something for a similar community event next year. It was a little weird, but not really that bad. And I was glad /proud that L got to see me in my 'natural' and 'more normal setting.'
We also,talked about me texting her last week and what was going on for me at that time. The text I sent was just really a simple 'hi', and a way for me to ensure that she's still out there. She said she was happy I did. I told her I hate being so needy.  She said it wasn't need or dependence, it was just a way for me to feel connected and there's nothing wrong with that. She doe it quite often with her children, just to make sure they're not dead!!
Because she'll be up I'm my neck of the woods next week again she asked if I was ok with meeting again at th coffee shop, which I was. However after reading on a psych blog about 'if you could spend a day with your T what would you do, I got the courage to ask if if next week we could do a simple hike instead of meeting at the coffee shop. We always meet for 90 minutes and the hike is less than a mile and ends with an amazing view of one of the most beautiful lakes in the area I've often thought of doing this with here. She's a seasoned hiker and I'm definetly not but I've often wondered about sharing that experience with her. She responded with 'sure, that sounds great!'. I was very relieved, although there's still plenty of time to chicken out!

Thursday, June 4, 2015

There's got to be a 'why', right? Why am I filled with anxiety today?  Why do I transfer 'mother-crap' to her?  The silence, both my own and hers.  I guess just because I think/feel it doesn't make it so? I'm even seeing C's face instead of hers today.  That's even weirder. I feel silence is punishment and I also use silence as punishment.  Strange, yet it makes crazy sense too.

I've gotten myself all wound up that she's had enough of me.

Sent her another text message and then turned off the ringer so I won't hear the notification. And there's this level of satisfaction in giving her that type of silence.  Yet I'm well aware that it's all in my head.

Monday, April 6, 2015

I'm back in 'that place' again.  The anger, the mistrust, the push-pull.  It's been coming on for a couple of weeks and it got pretty bad yesterday.  I'm so lost in my thoughts, withdrawn, I can't get her out of my head.

Today I had to cancel because my daughter was home sick.  Part of me was relieved and part of me is...well I'm not quite sure. I'm sick of feeling like this.

I did have this weird, brief moment in which I really thought she cared, but it was all a misunderstanding.  She is going to be up in my neck of the woods tomorrow, she has an appointment and she suggested we meet after as it would save me four hours-round trip.  Unfortunately I couldn't get anyone to cover the shop for me so instead we confirmed a time for today, and I would just drive the two hours each way that I normally do.  But because of my daughter I sent her a text saying I had to cancel today.  She then sent me a text later so 'OK, see you tomorrow'.  I was confused, as we were supposed to meet today because I have to work tomorrow.  And then I got it in my head that because she was up here anyway tomorrow, she would just stop by my shop. We couldn't have a session but it would be great to have her come by. Unfortunately that was never the case.  She just forgot, and now I'm back to hating her.

I know these feelings are childish, and probably not even meant for  her, mostly.  But knowing that doesn't change anything.

Yesterday was Easter so I drove down (reluctantly) to visit some family for the day.  Because my wife and daughter were spending the weekend with family, they were already there, so I had a long drive to myself, which I typically like.  Unfortunately because I was in the area, and alone, I drove by my ex-T's house, twice.  It was a little weird be back in that town again, where I had spent so much time, and now we don't even speak. Sad

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

I think I've made progress.  The anxiety doesn't happen as often, although it still does happen.  But even when it does I can quite often distract myself, not always but often. Things that happen between us don't turn into a big rupture, atleast not in the same way.
I talked to her today, she's says more than I have in the past.  She's smart, she remembers most things I've told her, even things I've forgotten. I think it helped, or I guess I'm hopeful that it will even though I feel like I'm still in a daze.
I couldn't tell her about the dream I had about her last night, and there is some guilty pleasure in reliving the dream, but too embarrassing to tell her. I'm confident that she would be fine with it and see it for what it really was, but I still couldn't get those words out.  Not even sure I wanted to.
We did talk about longing, and maternal feelings, and me being lost in my thoughts.  I told her how I often go for drives.  Partly because I'm still learning the lay of the land up here and it's so damn beautiful, the mountains and the lakes.  But then I also like indulging in my thoughts, and it's my time all alone.
We briefly touched on my being jealous of her family and friends and me keeping her on a pedestal.  But it was late and we were out of time.
I just don't know where or how she fits into my life.  Maybe it's even an 'if' she fits, cause maybe she's not supposed to.  I hope that's not true.
I really want/need to keep delving into this more, I hope she holds me to it.  She usually does a pretty good job of knowing when to push or not.
Need to get out the intensity of the anxiety, the thoughts, the wants, the longing.  I seem to lose that intensity by the time I get there and then it's hard to find the right words, to recreate it without minimizing it.
What are the thoughts? They are about her in one way or another.  What is she doing?  Who is she with?  Wishing/longing for her to be my mom/big sister. Hating her for having these feelings.  Jealous of her friends and family; people she chooses to be with in her free time.  I see pictures of her on Facebook or comments she's written and it makes me ache.
I know it's not normal, and I also know it doesn't make me crazy.  I'm just embarrassed to tell her, I also hate that she has one-up on me, making me clearly weaker in the relationship.  Hmm, wonder what that means.
I also don't believe what she tells me, except of course for the times I do.
I hate her.  I love her.  fucked
I do ok, I fall apart.  I miss her, I'm fine.  push. pull.
I picture myself telling her this stuff, trying to purge the crazy thoughts.  I picture myself telling her that she can't say anything, she can't respond.  Mostly because I won't believe her as she tries to help me feel better, tries to help me normalize my thoughts.
I know my stuff is irrational responses, but sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference.
I want to tell her that I sometimes imagine what it would be like to have her hold me.  I want to tell her that sometimes when I hold/hug Sam I want the same from her.  The unconditional love that I have for sam I want from her.  I know it's irrational.
Need to get this out.  I feel like all I ever do is talk about this with her but I think the reality is that I don't.  I imagine it all the time in my head, I live with it all inside, and maybe I sometimes allude to it with her but it never comes flowing out of my mouth.  I never really purge it, I just walk around with it.
(still picturing talking with her) I look at your pictures on Facebook when I miss you, when I want to talk to you, or just know you're still around. I like to read things you've commented on as I can feel your presence more, it's more 'alive' than a picture, i can really hear you talking.

So the delay in your response (sent a text Friday at 6:30 and you returned it at 10:00pm on Sunday) sent me on a bit of a whirlwind.  And now I'm feeling like an ass.  I hope she doesn't hate me. I just assumed that she forgot about me and I'm really not a priority, nor should I be.  She has a life and I can't be sucking the life out of her.  Part of me feels bad that she spent time trying to rearrange hers, and other peoples schedules. I wanted to see her Monday AND Wednesday this week, and now the delay has twisted my thinking all around again. I was mad at her and now I'm afraid that she's mad at me.  fucked again.

Just exchanged a few texts with her.  Really was bothered by her telling me that I still had my wednesday morning spot.  I hated being referred to as a 'spot'. And I also know I'm being childish and petty.  crap

How do you know when to let go? How do you know if you should forgive and forget or when it's time to cut bait? Looking at pictures of her I see warmth, compassion, fun, relaxed.  Do I see trustworthy? Maybe it's time to just really, and I mean really, trust her? Funny that it's still a question and not yet a statement.
I wonder if L is really too good to be true.Of course she's not perfect, although part of me would argue that.what if I went in there tomorrow trusting her? just being happy she's part of my life. I gotta start letting some of these thoughts/feelings out.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

She's back and I can't believe how good I feel.  Not too crazy good, and not manic good, but humming while I work good.  It's frustrating to still get the anxiety when I don't see her, although it clearly has gone down by leaps and bounds.  I have been going every other week since December and I was handling it well, including over the holidays.  So this time caught me a little off guard.  Still very familiar though.  Maybe it was cause she was actually 'away' in Florida with her daughter.  She was still very much reachable and we exchanged a few texts over the 10 days she was gone. But anxiety continued to rear it's ugly head. although on a scale of one to ten it probably got as high as a six, so that's that too bad, at least in comparison to other times.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Why is she always on my mind?  Why do I want to know everything about her? What kind of tooth paste, where did she have dinner last night, what is her morning routine?  Why am I constantly wondering 'wonder what L is doing right now'? I bet she would tell me to just ask her, text her when it comes up.  But I'm afraid I'll probably use up all of her data minutes. And also that she'd really know the extent of my obsession.

But why?  It's definitely mother-crap.  In my nearly-50 years I have become obsessed/infatuated with a few other women.  I do remember this happening with my 1st grade teacher, a co-worker when I was in my early twenties, and my first therapist when I was in my early twenties.  In fact the obsession/infatuation with my co-worker is what led me to seek therapy in the first place. Although it was shrouded by depression and complicated by my finally accepting my sexuality so I certainly wasn't tackling my attachment stuff head on then.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Sent L a text over 2 days ago and I haven't heard back.  It wasn't anything earth shattering, it was anything that she technically needed to respond to, but it's throwing me for a bit of a loop.  Not a major loop, but certainly one that convinced me to take some Vitamin 'A' (ativan) last night.  I pulled away from my family and spent the night reading, 'A Thousand Splendid Suns'.

Of course logically I have it under control, let's see......she didn't get the text, she did get the text but I didn't get her response, she did get the text but then her phone died and after recharging it she forgot to reply, or she thought she replied but forgot to hit the send button, she lost her phone

She's now gone til the 13th.  Not too far, certainly reachable by phone and within the same time zone.  I guess it's just the old abandonment crap again....still.

Friday, January 2, 2015

I wonder it this is what asthma feels like? Like you can't get your breath? That you just can't get enough air.

Haven't really had an anxiety attack in a few weeks, was able to get thru the holidays and even get thru seeing L only every couple weeks.  Been doing ok, but now it's reared it's ugly head a bit.

I'm sure it's because L is going away for a week, even though with me going every other week I wouldn't have technically missed my session, it's still throwing me.

We had a really good conversation a few weeks ago.  Talked alot about need, and boundaries, and Facebook...etc.

But now I'm back feeling like I can't get enough, and will never get enough....of her?