Sunday, January 10, 2016

I've been thinking about what I would like to say to, or hear from L if we were to meet, or if I wrote her a letter. So in an effort to get some of my thoughts down I thought I'd start here:

- Want her to really take in how she hurt me, how she let me down.  I want her to own it, be sorry for it.  I want her to feel my pain.
- She always said that the other shoe would never drop with her.
- She told me that she 'adopted' me
- I loved you, and I still do, but I'm confused
- I feel like you lied to me...maybe.  I don't want to believe that but I don't know how to believe otherwise
- I don't want to, or even think I can go back to you ever being my therapist, but I don't see how 'friend' would work either.  I would like you to continue to be important to me, and of course I wish, but am not sure it's possible for me to be important to you.
- I miss texting you
- I want/need you to be open and honest with me and I need to believe you.
- I miss you
- I deeply miss our hugs
- I wonder if I'll continue to keep C at bay. And if I do is part of it because of what happened with you? Or am I just not capable of having the same kind of relationship? Maybe my maternal emptiness and quest to fill it just can't and shouldn't happen?
- why did you say and do those things? Allow me and even encourage me to have a strong attachment to you. Sort of 'adopt' me. I know it was said in fun but I took it to heart.

1 comment:

  1. I feel the emotion in these writings. I often find writing an email or letter, sometimes which I send but oftentimes never send, is cathartic.

    Telling myself I might actually send it helps make it feel more real and helps me get the words out more fully.