Friday, July 29, 2016

I wish I remembered more.

Does everyone have a dirty little secret or two?

If your wondering, then the answer is Yes.

I'm thinking I was probably 'funny'.  That was my thing?

Wonder what the top 10 secrets people keep are?

Sister K and I used to play together as kids.  I remember.  Lots of playing 'school'. And I was 'musically' close to my brother J.  He introduced me the music of the 30's, 40's, 50's...etc.  From Etta James to Chrissie Hynde.  And we even worked together, side by side for a few years.  Pretty intense years if I remember correctly.  Lots of drug use so not everything is clear.  Even after that. When I was with L.  But when I left L, J and I drifted apart.  Lots of anger on my part. Lots. He experienced J with me too.  The acts, and the feelings that I accuse him of, are they real?  Accurate?

I don't really remember my other 4 brothers and sisters.  And not much of my parents.  Other relatives, other than my cousin C, my aunt AR, and a little of my grandmas.

Then there's the friendship I had with L.  We grew up together.  From age twelve to twenty. I have never had a closer friend, than with L. And then lose touch for 30 years. And then how could she have turned out the way she did.

Is this what I'm supposed to be doing in therapy?  Telling Celia my most important relationships and how they have affected me?  Hmmm

If I'm wondering, then I hope the answer is Yes.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

I of course know better, but I keep hoping she would check in with me.  Didn't feel great leaving the therapy bubble yesterday.  Of course she won't, but a girl can hope, right?
Really wanted to talk about a hug, but there was only 10 minutes left and it wouldn't have been fair.

But not just 'fairness' but 'fearness' kept me away from it to.  I wanted to leave with a hug but I'm 99% sure that she wouldn't have given me one.  I'm also 99.9% sure it would have felt uncomfortable even if we did.

It's possible that she reads this.  She has the site address.  Do I want her to read it?  Maybe.  Although it would probably be as uncomfortable knowing she read it as it would be getting that hug.

I didn't leave feeling great, or connected, and now we're both off on vacation.  And although we'll Skype for a short session next week I won't see her for a week and a half. The intensity will probably wear off by then.

I teeter between sending her a text message, not to discuss it but to blurt some crap out to get it out of my head, knowing we can discuss it on our Skype on Tuesday.  Hmmmm, maybe Skype would be safer, although a bit awkward, but then there would be no chance for an awkward hug.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Should I send Li a text?  I suppose it would be a somewhat angry/hurt one.  Is that appropriate?  My wife said she would send Li one if I wanted to.  M wants to understand why Li hasn't reach out to me since she left, even though she has promised to multiple times, in writing (texts).  Why would she lie to me?  Maybe good intentions, but careless as Celia has said.
Would I like to meet her in person to discuss?  I think so, but would I be strong enough? Should I wait? and if so then should I wait on the text?
I just want to sit and stare. Take it all in. What are my takeaways? Are these thing she talks about even possible? And does she really mean it when she says she has my back? Is it contrived? Just doing my job ma'am.  How do I actually ask her for what I want? These things are embarrassing. How can you aak someone to care about you? for you?

How can I be sure that I won't break her? That my needs and wants are gonna be too much?
I wanna know that you think of me when I'm not here.
The feeling, or maybe the potential feeling that she cares is intoxicating.
Li is not completely gone, although some things have lessened
Why did she string me along?  Feel like texting her that.  Should I? She'll probably have a really good explanation and then I'll feel bad.

Sunday, July 17, 2016 that a word?

It was a good session, not too many silences.  I talked but I guess I didn't go deep enough, didn't connect on the level that makes me feel 'full'.  I can hear her in my head 'say more'. The thing is I'm not sure how to accurately describe this feeling.  Maybe it's like the difference between an appetizer...that you split with 8 people (hmm, or maybe 7 kids) and a really good satisfying meal? Maybe it's me being able to reveal more of myself? Maybe it's being able to calm my mind and share the quiet things?
How do I slow down my mind?  It's like it almost goes black and I can only recollect more superficial stuff, just filler.
This is one of the reasons I reached out to her last week and asked for more time.  The not-connecting leaves me floating, and anxious, alone in my head.

Maybe I should tell her about my reading therapy-related blogs/forums.  Although I have talked to her a bit about some of the therapy-related books I've read.

Got high. Again


How hard it is/was deciding, or not deciding to send celia the link above.  Or the thought of sharing/or not, my journal with her. Some sort of anger associated with not sharing.

Was I excluded from my mothers life?

What I think about or write about when I'm alone.

Melinda and I.

So just the trying to figure out whether or not to send Celia that link was anxiety provoking.  But when I finally did my usual 'just rip the band-aid off' approach, then it was the waiting for her response that started me spinning.  Usually when I find the guts to send something I find relief, just getting it out there and off my mind.  And this time it did help as well, but Celia usually responds pretty quickly, within an hour or two, and that didn't happen.  And the longer the day went on without a response the further I slid into anxiety and crazy beliefs.  'I'm bothering her.  She doesn't have time to read such a long blog. Out of sight, out of mind (for both of us). What was I thinking, she's not gonna read this, maybe during our session but not during her own time.'
Maybe the wait was so bothersome because I left on Wednesday without feeling a deep connection, and now I wouldn't get the opportunity for another week.  And what is that about?  How pathetic to have such a need, and one that's hard to understand and even harder to explain.
We took Sam to a movie as a treat before she leaves for a week.  I don't even remember it.  I was so consumed with thought.  I kept checking my phone over and over, but nothing.  My logical mind trying to soothing my spiraling emotions.  'There are lots of reasons she has not responded, it doesn't mean anything other than she will when she can.' Unfortunately nothing really helped.  Crazy.
I finally turned the sound off on my phone.  The incessant waiting to hear the 'ding' of the text notification was driving me crazy.  I knew I would sleep with one eye open, just listening, if I didn't turn it off.  She did respond a little after midnight, I didn't notice the vibration of the phone.  But I did wake up every hour with worry.  'Maybe I crossed some line.  Maybe something happened to her.  Maybe she was perturbed that I send such a long blog to read.  Maybe after reading the blog she really did think I was crazy, and maybe even dangerous in a psychotic kind of way.'
We finally exchanged some texts this morning. I was hoping, although I didn't ask, she would offer a skype session for Monday.  She didn't.  Logically I know she's busy and it probably isn't a reflection of her want or willingness to skype with me, but it was still a let down. She asked me to write down what I was feeling and then send it to her.  Not sure yet.
Do I try to put some distance between us, between me and my thoughts, between Celia and myself?  Maybe as the weekend goes on the craving will lessen?

Why can't I send it to her?  I want to,  I want to keep the line of connection open, but I just can't seem to do it

Thursday, July 14, 2016

We've sort of decided that I will start seeing Celia twice a week.  I truly like that idea although I'm certainly afraid of becoming too attached, too needy.

We talked a bit about me reading her my blog, and/or her reading my blog. I think I would like to let her.  I think I'm afraid that I would be ashamed by her knowing me more.  Maybe the writings aren't even that impressive, maybe she'll find them sophomoric, rambly, not of any value.

About 2 hours after I left I started to become anxious.  I think maybe it had to do with either because I only had a 50 minute session or I was only gonna have a 50 minute when I go on Wednesday. However in reality Celia said I could decide on Wednesday whether I wanted a 50 minute or my usual 90 minute session,  So why the anxiety?  I tried to tell myself that my anxiety was not grounded in reality.  But maybe it was/is the uncertainty?

Friday, July 8, 2016

I didn't walk a way with a regret.  I texted her for an extra session and she had time today.  I talked.  It went well.  She's good. and I'm good.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

She asked me how did it feel coming back to therapy.  She'd only been gone for 2 weeks, so 3 weeks before we would meet again...but who's counting?  I said I have to take the rentry slow.  It's like I gotta get used to the atmosphere and the air again.

I had forgotten about what happened with her and the schedule, or the schedule-that-never-was.  I forget what Celia had asked me today, but something triggered a reminder of one of the things that was gnawing at me while she was gone.

A week into her far away vacation we were schedule to Skype for a 50 minute session.  We did, and it was fine.  Towards the end of Skyping she asked if I wanted to see her for a session 2 days earlier than my 'normal' day, when she gets back.  I said I wasn't 100% sure but I was mostly sure I could. She said she didn't have her book with her but when she did she would confirm the actual time and send me a text message.

Well I waited, and waited, and waited some more.  No text. Then I started to think that I had misunderstood her.  But I didn't want to be the one to check, like I used to/do with Li.  I wanted her to remember me. The new day/time came closer and still no text. I got more and more agitated and distracted and preoccupied with it.  Finally Monday at 1 had arrived...and then passed by.

She had forgotten me.  But it didn't kill me.  Nope, instead after a bit of being pissed off, and a bit moody for a while, I moved on.  It hurt, but it didn't crush me.  I'm always fearful of that, of being crushed by what I feel and think.

Boy I wish I could say this stuff in person, it's a pain to type this all up.  But it doesn't come to me when I 'm in her office. Maybe if I picked just one thing to tell her, and tried to relax , maybe I could tell her.  Maybe I could tell her what I wrote up there.  It would be quicker than me typing out, atleast in theory.