I worry a bit that writing is a bit too self indulgent. Is it allowing me to wash myself in these thoughts. These crazy ass thoughts.
How does one 'cure' maternal transference? I have been on this path since I was a child. I'm sure I could put together a lineup of all the mother-crushes I've had,all the ones I struggled with, all the ones where the yearnings were too great.
L responded the next day to my text:
L: Miss you hoping to be up in your area in the next couple of weeks. Will stop by for ice cream.
I suppose that is sort of what I wanted to hear. But I want her to want more than just 'swing by'. I want a full blown conversation. I want some time with her. I want to tell her what's but going on in my head, in my life too. I want to know how she is, how her new home is, how her new job is, how her kids are doing. I don't want a fifteen minute conversation that can only stay at a surface level because there might be customers in the shop. I want her to want that conversation too.
The year we first opened the ice cream shop she, and her then-boyfriend, stopped by the shop cause they were hiking in the area. I was surprised to see her, but it was a pleasant surprise. However she only stayed about 10 minutes. Of course I wanted more.
Had a dream about L last night. I was her house with a bunch of her friends. They were all very nice and it seemed like I clicked pretty well with all of them. She was having one of those all day type of get togethers were friends just hang out for the day, talking and eating, and then eating some more. Reminded me of winter days back when I was 20. Lots of pot smoking too, which increased the eating 10 fold, including eating decadent cakes and pies, and ice cream at midnight. It was great to be with her. But I also wanted time with just her, time to talk and feel connected to her. At one point during the dream everyone had gone to bed, her house was large enough to accommodate everyone, but I couldn't sleep. She heard me roaming around (ok, maybe I was on purpose a bit too loud) and she came out to check on me. Finally just her and I. I walked around admiring her new home, her newly renovated place. And because we both love architecture and renovating old things she showed me the may nooks and crannies of her home. It was great having that time with her and experiencing her thoughts, and feeling close to her again.
Maybe I don't want to 'cure' this mother transference stuff?