Monday, January 25, 2016

So when someone has attachment and/or abandonment issues what do they need to do?  What should the therapist be doing? Not doing?
Should I be 'attached' to you?  What should 'feeling/doing better' look like?  Will I always have this maternal need and will it always play out in me trying to attach to others?  Or is that 'feeling' better looks like?
How does it play out with you?The hug
Some days I think my attachment defines me, or takes over my head, my thoughts.  Right now it's L, but I'm sure it won't be long til you take L's place.
Did knowing more about L and her life make my attachment even deeper?

Sunday, January 24, 2016

I think she said that nearly 90% of the people that come into therapy are looking for love and connection.  Crap, I hope that is ok.  She said it was.  Oddly I think I feel safer with her than I did with L. And by safer I think I mean that I feel like she will follow through on what she says.  L may or may not have meant things she said but quite often she didn't honor what she said.

C said she wants/hopes to be the one that sees me thru all this.  She said that in her 30 years of working as a therapist she has never met anyone who was so hurt badly by 2 different therapists. Abandoned by 2 different people. She wants to be the person that stops this cycle for me.

I definitely still miss L, but it's also a very uneasy type of feeling.  Like I know I shouldn't.

I also miss C in between sessions, and will start 'getting' thru the next couple of days until I see her on Wednesday.

I wish I could talk to her about hugs.  Although I'm not sure I want them, yet.  And I'm also scared of the rejection.  What if it's a boundary of hers?  Or what if it's just my L feelings and wants transferred to C? How do know what's real?

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Why do keep holding on to the belief that we could be friends? Maybe she would be a better friend than a therapist, I tell myself.  Although I know we did a lot of good work together it's fairly/mostly clear to me that she also made some mistakes.  And the mistakes seem kind of basic, but detrimental at the same time.

I take my share of responsibility cause I wanted it.  I wanted to be able to text her all the time.  I wanted to know more about her life.  I wanted to be friends on FB.  I wanted to depend on her, to need her, to be comforted by her.  I'm sure I initiated hugs and I know for sure that I was the first one to say 'I love you'. I felt special when we would meet at places other than her office.

But do I really have to let it, let her go?  Is our relationship, and whatever that means, too much for me? I don't mean that it's toxic, but certainly my reactions to it are.

Why can't I let go? Say goodbye?  The thought makes me so sad.

Is that the only way?  Can I get one more conversation with her?  Of course I know she would meet, but should I, and what should my intent be, and what happens if I get wrapped up in her again?  Is this just my process, to keep revisiting it over and over again? I'm embarrassed and ashamed to keep talking about it with C.  Once again there are starving children in the world and I have a pretty good life so is that what I should be doing?  Improving on my life, on my relationships, making my marriage better? Will that take away the yearnings?

And what about C and my 'therapeutic relationship'? Do I focus some energy keeping that at bay? So far I think it's been fairly balanced in my head.  A few things regarding our work has come up and I've talked to her about it. With C it does feel different, and of course a bit the same.  But so far I haven't found myself being pulled under in the riptide of feelings towards her. There are some things, like the 'waiting for Wednesday' thoughts.  Not as intrusive as I felt with L, or my other intense exT-C, but they are there, and sometimes I wish I could text C for some relief but I think that may not be in my best interest, and I'm afraid to have that conversation with her.  Afraid I will hear 'rejection'.

But the one thing that is somewhat strong is the want to hug her as I walk out the door.  I'm sure a lot of it has to do with that being my ritual with L.  It still feels very real, and I do feel connected to C, but it seems to soon, like I normally wouldn't feel that pull.  So once again, transference, or not??

Sunday, January 17, 2016

So, guess who was up in my area yesterday?  Yup, L and her boyfriend.  Did I actually see them?  No.  But Facebook did!  I already know that I should unfriend her, or I think I should, or I think I know.  I have turned off her automatic feeds to me but I can still look on her page, which is what I did.

Pangs.  Pangs of sadness, of hurt, of anger, of jealousy.  Pangs of confusion too.  In a recent text L told me that she'd be up in my area within the next couple of weeks (which is a two hour drive each way) and that she would stop in for some ice cream, but she didn't.

My rational side has already brought up various scenarios which would wholeheartedly explain/support why I didn't hear from her.  And of course they range from things that  have nothing to do with me at all, to she outright didn't/doesn't want to see me, she's just stringing me along.  Or maybe a little lighter with she means well but doesn't follow through.  Or maybe she wanted to spend 'quality/alone' time with me and couldn't on what her boyfriend referred to as a quick trip up north.

And of course my emotional side has taken quite a hold of me as well.  Both wanting her and hating her.  She looked good in the photos.  Happy. Healthy.

I had been thinking these past few days that maybe we could still have a relationship.  Not a therapy one, but something else.  Not sure if I'm being reasonable with that.  Not sure if it's good for me.  Yet maybe we could work through a good balance.  But maybe not too.  Like an abusive relationship that I keep going back to. Too harsh?

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Good, helpful, lots  of realizations to process.

I think C is right that L treats me, and has treated more as more of a friend than a therapist.  I sort of knew that, but loved/love feeling special to her.  And it doesn't necessarily take away all the good work L and I did, cause I know we did, but it didn't help me so much with the maternal transference crap.

It's a fine line that a therapist has to walk.  C says that most therapists, the good ones, do love their clients.  And she says that L did/does love me.  Of course I am still questioning L's love for me, but maybe that's just the hurt feelings.  Anyway, C says that L's love for me crossed the therapeutic line, the framework.  And that is probably one of the many reasons why I'm having a hard time right now.
No doubt that I lacked maternal care/unconditional love/support growing up, and I have always looked for it.  And C thinks L came close to fulfilling those needs.  But instead of letting me explore what those feelings meant to me and where they came from I think she wanted to soothe me more.

I think one of L's goals for me was to 'normalize' feelings and thoughts for me.  So I think that was part of the reason our relationship morphed into what it was.  She would support me then would introduce her thoughts/feelings and life and experiences into our conversations.  Of course it feed into my want of being special.  She shared many things with me.  She even said that outside of her kids, I was the only other person, at the time, with whom she told of her heart attack last year.  I'm sure she has shared it with others by now, but I was touched, and confused a bit by that revelation.

Another interesting point, correlation was how, as a kid, my mother would always/often put her needs above mine.  And of course as a somewhat rational adult I tell myself that she raised 7 kids and I'm sure she was often overwhelmed.  I was number 6 of 7 so I don't think she had much left to give when it got to me.  And that may all be true, but it still sucked for me. So now, with L instead of examining my thoughts and feelings regarding the termination of our therapy I put on my adult/rational hat (oh she had a heart attack, she's having tons of financial problems, it will be hard for her to change jobs...etc) and we never get to my deep thoughts and triggers of loss.

More to process...stay tuned!

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

I worry a bit that writing is a bit too self indulgent.  Is it allowing me to wash myself in these thoughts.  These crazy ass thoughts.

How does one 'cure' maternal transference?  I have been on this path since I was a child.  I'm sure I could put together a lineup of all the mother-crushes I've had,all the ones I struggled with, all the ones where the yearnings were too great.

L responded the next day to my text:

L: Miss you hoping to be up in your area in the next couple of weeks.  Will stop by for ice cream.

I suppose that is sort of what I wanted to hear.  But I want her to want more than just 'swing by'.  I want a full blown conversation.  I want some time with her.  I want to tell her what's but going on in my head, in my life too.  I want to know how she is, how her new home is, how her new job is, how her kids are doing.  I don't want a fifteen minute conversation that can only stay at a surface level because there might be customers in the shop.  I want her to want that conversation too.

The year we first opened the ice cream shop she, and her then-boyfriend, stopped by the shop cause they were hiking in the area.  I was surprised to see her, but it was a pleasant surprise.  However she only stayed about 10 minutes.  Of course I wanted more.

Had a dream about L last night. I was her house with a bunch of her friends.  They were all very nice and it seemed like I clicked pretty well with all of them. She was having one of those all day type of get togethers were friends just hang out for the day, talking and eating, and then eating some more.  Reminded me of winter days back when I was 20.  Lots of pot smoking too, which increased the eating 10 fold, including eating decadent cakes and pies, and ice cream at midnight.  It was great to be with her.  But I also wanted time with just her, time to talk and feel connected to her.  At one point during the dream everyone had gone to bed, her house was large enough to accommodate everyone, but I couldn't sleep. She heard me roaming around (ok, maybe I was on purpose a bit too loud) and she came out to check on me.  Finally just her and I.  I walked around admiring her new home, her newly renovated place.  And because we both love architecture and renovating old things she showed me the may nooks and crannies of her home.  It was great having that time with her and experiencing her thoughts, and feeling close to her again.

Maybe I don't want to 'cure' this mother transference stuff?

Monday, January 11, 2016

Well I caved, I gave in, I failed.  I texted L.

I think I wish there was a way to take it back, but maybe there's some comfort in knowing I can't.  No takesies backsies, no do overs, no mulligans.

I know it had been coming on for a while.  She has started to creep back in my head.  It scares me.  I thought I was better.  Maybe I was just in denial?

I found myself looking through all our texts last night.  I felt the pangs of missing her, of missing the connection.  Or was there really ever a connection? Would it matter if only I felt it?

I went back and forth in my head for a while, then I pulled the death card.  What if she died tomorrow, would I regret not reaching out to her?

I kept it simple:

Me: still miss you, a lot

She hasn't replied.  Trying not to drive myself crazy with that thought.  Trying to keep myself busy today.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

I've been thinking about what I would like to say to, or hear from L if we were to meet, or if I wrote her a letter. So in an effort to get some of my thoughts down I thought I'd start here:

- Want her to really take in how she hurt me, how she let me down.  I want her to own it, be sorry for it.  I want her to feel my pain.
- She always said that the other shoe would never drop with her.
- She told me that she 'adopted' me
- I loved you, and I still do, but I'm confused
- I feel like you lied to me...maybe.  I don't want to believe that but I don't know how to believe otherwise
- I don't want to, or even think I can go back to you ever being my therapist, but I don't see how 'friend' would work either.  I would like you to continue to be important to me, and of course I wish, but am not sure it's possible for me to be important to you.
- I miss texting you
- I want/need you to be open and honest with me and I need to believe you.
- I miss you
- I deeply miss our hugs
- I wonder if I'll continue to keep C at bay. And if I do is part of it because of what happened with you? Or am I just not capable of having the same kind of relationship? Maybe my maternal emptiness and quest to fill it just can't and shouldn't happen?
- why did you say and do those things? Allow me and even encourage me to have a strong attachment to you. Sort of 'adopt' me. I know it was said in fun but I took it to heart.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

L texted me last night.

L: Hi, I hope you had a wonderful holidays.  Thinking of you.  L

After a little thought, I wrote:

Me: Yes, it was good, just a little busy though.  Kinda glad it's over.

It didn't keep me awake last night, but I'm not sure how, or what I feel.  So many things, yet trying to push it all away, like it doesn't affect me.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

I've been wondering still why L (ex T) has contacted me.  I haven't been obsessed with it, but I guess just trying to understand. The one thought that occurred to me is that she's keeping her distance because she still plans on continuing/reopening her practice.  She mentioned it during our last session and said that she was hoping her new job would let her see clients.  And if that's true it still sucks and to me, doesn't excuse her from pulling back from me, but I guess I could see some logic in sort of keeping boundaries in place.

Then I started to wonder 'would I actually go back to seeing her as a therapist', and I'm pretty sure the answer would be 'No'.

First, but not most important, logistically C, my new therapist wins hands down!  She is literally right across the street from my shop.  I was worried that her being that close would bother me, would just transfer, or start up obsessional thoughts towards her. But that hasn't happened....although that may not be entirely true, just recently, after starting to write this entry, a few thoughts have popped into my head.  Sigh.....

Second, I feel better with C.  I mean I feel like we 'do' therapy, and it's intense, and she's thoughtful, but after I leave my 90 minute session, the life isn't sucked out of me and I can function.  It's not that it doesn't give me things to think about, but I am not totally lost in thought and immersed in therapy.  I haven't had a therapy hangover....yet.