Friday, March 23, 2012

I think I'm just writing this so I can get it out.  I really wish I could call L, actually I could, but I wouldn't know what to say, sort of.  It was only the last few minutes (of our 90 minute appointment) that I was able to tell her a little bit of what has been going on in my head the past few weeks.  She said she hasn't been pushing for me to talk as hard as she normally would because she wants me to stay focused on all the things that are going on in my 'real' life. She said that I only have so much energy to give so she doesn't want to drain me too much.

It's strange that the person you want to talk to is the person you can't talk to.  It's the old, familiar push-pull thing again.

Why, if I know this dance so well, do I continue to do it? And even right now, as I am trying to force myself to open up and talk to her

There's a part that wants me to keep holding back, but then there's also this huge part that just wants to sit in her office and discuss all of it.

I want to ask her how she feels about me, am I important? I want her to know how important she is to me, even if sometimes I seem distant, it's really not how I feel about her.

I want to tell her that I often wish she would hold me, like a mother with a child. 

I want to tell her that I felt a twinge of jealousy today when I was leaving and another client came in.

I want to tell her that I hate being called a client.

I want to tell her that I hated it today when she said she had 'spots available'.

I wrote the above the other day, and once again so much has happened between then and now.

First, I did see L this morning and I was able to tell her a little bit more.  It's hard because none of this makes sense to me.  The loss of intensity is confusing and trying to understand it is only making it worse.  And unfortunately in her prodding I took something she suggested in a negative way

I got word yesterday that a close friend has only weeks to live.  She was diagnosed with liver cancer and started treatments in December but she was told on Tuesday that the treatments weren't working.  She was presented with the options of a whole new round of chemo, going on a trial, or calling in hospice.  After about 3 days she decided hospice is what was best for her.

I went and saw her for a couple of hours today. I tried to be a good distraction, telling stories of ice cream shops and quitting my job, and I think it lightened the mood of the house, atleast for a while.  But when I hugged her good bye and told her I'll be back on Sunday (with ice cream!!) I told her 'I love you'.  It was so out of character for me, but it also felt like me. 

After my session with L I sent her this text:

M:  I need to ramble some more, sorry I'm taking the easier way out with texting it.....I guess without the intensity I question the reality, or what I thought was the's tough to accept that I'm just a 'client' although I guess there's really nothing else that fits.  And one would think that you being so flexible and supportive would be (or should be) enough for me, but suggesting (although not outright recommending) that an option would be to see someone else just feeds my thinking....I know that wasn't your now I'm fishing, I want you to give feedback on a question (or two) that I can't seem to outright ask please don't.  Sorry for the catch-22, maybe I'm just trying to get some of the intensity back?  Cause I know I'm gonna die a thousand deaths knowing I sent this?

L: I was not    I was not suggesting you see someone else, I was just probing you to understand your not feeling connected.  I do not want to stop working with you.  I am sorry if that was projected.  I believe that we have done extraordinary work together and I am so glad and encouraged that you texted.  Intensity we need to understand better and we will.

Me:  Hey, you weren't supposed to time I'll have you sit on your hands before you start reading....hopefully you won't be driving....But thanks, it's much appreciated.

I keep reading and rereading our exchange; it felt good.....and I haven't quite died a thousand deaths.....yet.

Monday, March 19, 2012

It's not that I haven't wanted to post, I really have, but I hate to sound like I'm whinning, which I'm not, although it sort of feels like it.

Once again, let's start with the 'easier' stuff....

First, we accepted an offer on the house!!!  Totally amazing that in less than a week on the market.  Although we're still taking a bath on it, but atleast we get to walk away free and clear.  It's so huge to have that weight off our shoulders.  The buyer's inspection is tomorrow, and assuming that they don't find anything too horrendous, we have a tentative close on the house for April 27th.

It's hard to believe that in just a little more than a month we'll be in a completely different environment.  Our daughter is very excited about the move, which is another huge weight off our shoulders.  We took her shopping yesterday to get a new bedroom set for her.  It's her birthday present and it adds to the excitement and the anticipation of moving. 

We also finally closed on the shop on Friday, we're now finally the official owners.  As with most types of closings, there is something that usually goes wrong, and our case wasn't any different.  It had to do with getting an insurance binder, but at the last hour we were able to pull it out.  It was more to do with paperwork than anything else, but it still would have stopped us from signing. 

In addition to buying a new bed for our daughter, we also purchased some old-tyme pendant lamps that will hang over the 'bar' at the ice cream shoppe.  I think they'll look really cool and will add to the old fashioned, yet very hip look that we're going for.  Can't wait to hang them!!

As for the whinny stuff, as usual it has to do with counseling. I'm still feeling distant or adrift from L.  I'm not sure if I'm doing it on purpose, or as one reader suggested that I've just got so much going on right now.  And as strange as this sounds, I sort of miss obsessing about her.  Why would that be?

I've felt such a closeness and a bond with her, but I feel like it's slipping away now and I'm afraid I won't get it back.  And no, I haven't talked to here about it, although I've dropped hints, and I get the feeling that she's purposely not trying to pull this out of me in hopes that I can do it all by myself.

Because I will be moving about 100 miles away and I will be a small business owner I won't be able to see her as often as I can right now.  And we've talked about this a bit and she's willing to be as accomodating as she can to meet my crazy schedule.  In fact because she owns a vacation home in the area she's willing to meet on the weekends during the summer when she's up there.  And this is all good and I'm really not that freaked out about it, which is a bit strange for me.  I'm so suprised that I'm not obsessing about it, but I'm not, I'm ok with it.  But at the same time, the 'not obsessing' is a little unsettling. 

I don't feel particularly angry with her, but something definitely is going on for me, just not sure what.  Can I obsess about not obsessing???

I know this doesn't make any sense, and that's probably why I haven't been able to talk about it with her.  I don't feel comfortable discussing things unless I've got a good understanding or a good handle on it, and such is the case with this. 

We were talking the other day and I told her it felt like our conversation seemed like one that a parent would have with a child as they are going off to college.  I jokingly told her she couldn't give my 'room' to anyone, and no turning it into a 'guest room' or 'an office'. 

Maybe the feelings are just bittersweet stuff?  Maybe I am growing up and moving out?

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

In my head, I've started writing an update about a dozen times, but at the same time I'm not sure I can finish a complete thought.  I think a lot of it has to do with the current state of my life.  Basically it's all over the place.  Don't misunderstand me though, I know I've put myself in this situation, but there's a hell of a lot of changes going on in my life, so I'm a bit all over the place.  Although strangely, at the same time, it also feels pretty good.  Scary, but good. 

Let's see, we'll start with the 'easy' external stuff.  Our house is on the market, and man is it ever stressful.  We've had to clean and declutter, which is simply exhausting.  The good news is that at least that part is done, and we're getting a lot of foot traffic, and rumor has it we may get a written offer today.  But the hard part is keeping the house looking 'pristine' all the time, and not being home while people traipse through our house.  This weekend M was out of town visiting her dad so I had to keep loading up the kid and the dog in the car and find things to keep us all occupied for short amounts of time. 

Mostly it's an inconvenience, and I hope it's over soon!!!

As for the hard internal stuff, well, it's been hard, or maybe 'different' is a better word. I feel like something is changing and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.  Last weekend I heard a quote from somewhere (maybe a movie??) that goes 'When God wants to punish you, he answers your prayers'.  And I'm wondering if my 'prayers' regarding therapy and L are being answered.  Lately I feel like she's less important to me.  I'm not all wrapped-up in thought about her or therapy.

Now I know that I've said to her in the past, usually out of fear or frustration, that why can't our relationship be more like the one I have with my dentist?  But now that maybe it's starting to happen, I'm not sure I'm on board with it.

For example, part of this whole-life-changing-mid-life-crises-what-the-hell-am-I-thinking-buying-an-ice-cream-shop-and-moving-my-family-100-miles-away, has been the obvious realization that I will be quitting my job.  I've been working in this industry for over 20 years, and of course I'm sick of it, but it's how I make my living.  So although I knew I would quit my job, the hope was that I could somehow get laid off.  You see if I quit I can't collect unemployment if I ever need to, but if I get laid off, then I can. 

So a whole series of (strange) events led me to be in a position last week in which it would make sense for me to go in to HR and ask to get laid off.  I can't tell them I'm leaving to open an ice cream shop, so I needed a different justification for asking to be let go.  And much to my surprise, they agreed! Not only did they agree, but we're working out a 'seperation' package as well, which will my make me and my families life a bit easier, at least for awhile.

Anyway, it's a really long story, but after my conversation with HR I came back to my office and called my wife up.  She was also the only person I talked to before going to see HR.  It really was a whirlwind of events that led me to HR, and M was with me the whole way. 

But what was also interesting is that I didn't have a burning want (which always feels like a need) to reach and tell L.  And it's not that I was ticked with her or holding back on purpose, it just wasn't a driving force.  And for some reason I'm also not feeling particularly 'close' to her right now.  I'm sure some of it has to do with M and I and some things between the two of us that we've been dealing with.  And honestly that's all good.

I guess I'm not really sure what I'm saying.  Everything has been thrown up in the air and instead of feeling totally excited with all these good changes, I'm feeling a little........well I'm not quite sure.  I think there are about a 1,000 different words I could use.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Man, this therapy-stuff is hard, and if I'm gonna take what I learn and experience in therapy out to the real world, well that is hard too!

It's been a long, almost surreal week, especially dealing with all this feeling-crap, and getting myself to talk.  In some respects I feel like I've moved mountains, but then again, at the same time I feel almost childlike. 

M and I have had some pretty intense discussions, and although maybe nothing 'tangible' has changed, something has changed, or at least shifted, and that's a good thing.  But honestly, there's also a part of me that is scared of this shift.  Can I actually maintain this level of communication and honesty?

I've also been a lot more open with L this week.  And then the same question 'Can I actually maintain this level of communication and honesty'?