Monday, February 22, 2016

In between sessions is hard, feels like a longing.  with L, texting helped, but I'm assuming that may not be the best long term solution.
Not asking for it, but wishing I could come twice a week
It's hard talking with you, telling you embarrassing things, partly because you don't have the same emotional investment.  Maybe that's more about 'mattering' to you.  I always struggled with that with L and I guess I was right.  Don't want to be right again.

It's like you don't exist, or your gone. It used to happen a lot/all the time with Li. I would often text her just to ask if she was there. It helped to ask, to get it out of my head, and it also helped to here back that yes, she was there. Except now she isn't , and not sure if she ever really was. It sucks.

She once told me that one of her responsibilities was to not replicate what Claire did to me. But she did. Now Celia says she hopes that she's around to see me heal, to see me grow and 'take care of myself'. Those are all my words but that's the meaning I got from them.

I've been feeling/missing Li for the past couple of days. It's a little strange to sense her presence but know she's not there.

Feeling very angry at Li.  She fucking lied to me hasn't even attempted to see me or talk with me in over 3 months.  Why did she lead me on?  Now, and the whole time I saw her.

Still struggle to keep a connection.

Need to talk more about hugs. What they mean I guess. I miss my hugs with Li. Makes me sad.

Feel like I can't waste my time with you, no small talk, no inconsequential conversations. Never know when my time is up with you. Plus I don't think that's your m.o. anyway. Guess that will keep me on track

I wonder how I'll do/feel about skyping Celia over the next couple of weeks. I did ok when we did it last time, but I think I was in a different place with her then. I suppose I should talk about it with her but I'm feeling a little sick about being in this place again. Desperate, dependent , needy. I wonder if I was just deceiving myself, obviously I was , I just wonder was I really aware of it or is it just part of my process? Makes me feel sad.
Maybe I feel crappy because she's leaving. Li used to tell me where she's going but I'm assuming Celia won't . I probably won't even ask, fear of being rejected I guess . Although part of me knows that she'll really want me to talk about it and not just 'resolve' the question of where.
I feel angry too that she's leaving
Appreciative.  That's the closest without saying love.  I'm appreciative for our session today, and that, as good as it feels, is also a bit scary.  Is it appropriate? Too feel so much.  I'm a little scared.  Which I guess makes sense.  Don't want to feel so much good towards her.
But I do.

I sort of feel safe with her.  Hopefully that's not misplaced.

I drove by Li's office today, we were going to visit Jess who lives less than a mile away for her office.  I thought I'd be freaked out, but I wasn't, I think.  I'm not sure if it's because I'm doing better, or atleast better than I ever imagined.  Or was it because it's still not real to me?  I haven't really played the 'this is the last time I'll ever go to her office...this is the last time we'll ever meet..this is the last time she'll be my therapist...this is the last time I'll ever sit on this couch, this place that I've shared so much...'  Makes me sad to write that now.  A little surreally, like either the relationship never happended or the breakup never happened.

Fighting the strong urge to text Li. Feeling very angry at her right now., and still miss her tremendously. No wonder I'm feeling crazy, such crazy ends of the spectrum. Was reading some of  our texts, probably not helpful.
It took about 45 minutes of silence before I was able to start talking.  She asked at one point was the silence due to her going away for two weeks.  I told her it was, mixed in with a bunch of other things. I was finally able to tell her that the thought of she's both Li and not Li, which is both good and bad, which is crazy and makes sense.

I wish I had told her that I hoped she had a good trip and that I would miss meeting with her face-to-face.

I still have lots of love for Li, wish I didn't. I think I would prefer to be angry with her, then maybe I wouldn't miss her and yearn to meet up with her again. I do wonder what I would do or say if she asked to meet up. I know I would love go but I'm afraid that I would sink back into the needy depression-like state.

I also miss knowing/thinking/feeling that Celia is around. I know I unfairly put a lot of shit on her and I feel bad about that.

I think I know where Celia is, atleast maybe during her second week gone.  She told me her first week was in Colorado. So weird that I am being jealous about my therapist again.  It happened with Claire, most thinking she has the most amazing and loving family.  With Li it was being jealous of all her friends, especially what I perceive to be her close girl friends.  And now Celia, with a movie being done about an aspect of her husbands professional life.  Why did I snoop/google? I was really trying not to ask, cause I used to ask with Li and she would tell me.  So I was wondering if it was better that I didn't know. Maybe it will be better if I bring it up to Celia.  I sort of tried with Li but I could never get past hinting/texting that I was jealous, never got to a full blown conversation.

Will Celia be able to go the distance? Be around long enough? Be able to withstand my neediness and dependency? I can be draining

Things to ask/talk about:
  How do I know I can trust you?
  How do I just free associate?  say what's on my mind?
  Stop mixing up or combining or is it confusing you and Li
  What I said about me using Li as a scapegoat, felt a little thoughtless as I know you're a scapegoat too, but in a different way

Still thinking about Li alot.  Lots of anger still, and lots and lots of hurt.  I may be going to Amestown this weekend, very tempted to go I truly believe that Li still has an office in Amestown
Also been wondering about asking Celia where she is this week and where she'll be next week, but then she's gonna ask me why.

Can I know things about you? I felt very close to Li, like she was sort of an open book.  Although I know there's was much I didn't know, how is it suppose to work?  How is it gonna work with you?

Maybe talk about jealousy?

I still haven't freaked over the whole 'I'm not gonna hug you' thing.  Although I do feel myself maybe pulling back a bit.  I haven't felt the urge to text either, and I'm not sure if that's because I may be pulling back a little, or it's just organic.

Spent some time this morning thinking about Li.  Feels very sad to look at her pictures in Facebook and remember back where we/I was then.  I keep hoping she'll have a deep conversation with me and tell me her thoughts on leaving.  Wonder if I'd even believe them?

Not sure if my tiredness this week is caused by physical issues or emotional. This whole,peri-menopause crap has been weird all week,. But then still bothered, I guess, by her leaving. Makes me continue questioning therapy for me and/or this particular relationship. Lots of ups and downs for sure. But is it because of this so called grief about Li, or the distance Celia keeps. She can't be Li and I guess that's good and bad, yet she is and isn't Li. Feels like tomorrow's appointment will be sad.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

I'm pretty sure she didn't mean to say it, and almost sure she didn't mean for it to come out the way it did. It certainly caught me off guard, to say the least, and boy did it hurt. 'No we will never have a session in a restaurant, no we will never be friends, and no I will never hug you'. It was that last one, she will never hug me. It was like she slammed the door in my face.

We spent most of the session talking about her leaving, I mean going away for 2 weeks. It has stirred up a lot of very familiar thoughts and feelings for me. The conversation would take off into different areas of what all this was doing to me. I told her I felt Li's presence this week. Much like the feeling I get when I feel my dad's presence, and he died 7 years ago. It's like a sense of them. It occurs for different reasons with my dad. It always happens when I scoop someone maple walnut ice cream. It has a very strong and distinct smell, and it was my dad's favorite. I told Celia I didn't know what was triggering my 'sense' of Li this week and she said maybe it's her going away that is 'stirring up crap'. That makes sense.

We talked more about what it feels like for me 'week to week'.  And in telling her of the longing, and the ache, I told her that when Li would go away most or many of my texts to her were simply 'Are you still there', and she would respond 'yes'.  So that got Celia and I to talking about texts.  I told her I don't want to, I don't want to need it, although it has crossed my mind.  She said as long as we continue to discuss it and not just simply have a text happen without a potentially deeper conversation, in person, about it, then she thinks it would be helpful.

So this texting conversation, and me talking about my concerns/worries/fears around it lead to her statement 'No, we will never have a session in a restaurant....'.  It stopped me dead.  Other than the conversation we had last week about hugs, in which I never asked her for a hug, we just discussed what hugging with Li meant to me.  But I didn't mention it all yesterday.  And when we were discussing it last week, never did she say that she didn't do hugs.

I shut down.  The air in the room changed.  Wow.  The conversation had been going pretty well.  It's always hard for me to start but once I did I was able to say stuff. Things that had been running thru my head all week.  She obviously knew something happened.

It took me a bit.  I was crawling into my self.  The internal struggle, to talk vs not to talk was in high gear.  It was also close to the end of my session.  How was I gonna feel the rest of the week if I left without saying anything?  I finally worked up the courage to tell her.  Her hug-related comment thru me.  I wasn't prepared for it, but there it was.  Rejection.

After that I'm not totally sure I could write verbatim what she said.  It was like I was still in a fog and my ears were blocked.  I do know she said she was sorry, a couple of times.  And I know she didn't say one of these fake sorry's , like 'I'm sorry you feel that way....'. It was an honest to goodness 'I take ownership for that blunder'.

She did tell me why she doesn't do hugs, and I sort of her reasoning.  Although she also said she would offer a hug at termination, and if I experienced a death.  Which the more I had it run through my head last night the more I question her logic, but that's a whole other discussion.

That's enough for now, but strangely I feel ok right now.  I didn't lose too much sleep about it last night, nor did I dream or have a nightmare about it.  Maybe progress?  Maybe just the spring like day today, which always makes an ice cream shoppe owner feel good.