Wednesday, July 6, 2016

She asked me how did it feel coming back to therapy.  She'd only been gone for 2 weeks, so 3 weeks before we would meet again...but who's counting?  I said I have to take the rentry slow.  It's like I gotta get used to the atmosphere and the air again.

I had forgotten about what happened with her and the schedule, or the schedule-that-never-was.  I forget what Celia had asked me today, but something triggered a reminder of one of the things that was gnawing at me while she was gone.

A week into her far away vacation we were schedule to Skype for a 50 minute session.  We did, and it was fine.  Towards the end of Skyping she asked if I wanted to see her for a session 2 days earlier than my 'normal' day, when she gets back.  I said I wasn't 100% sure but I was mostly sure I could. She said she didn't have her book with her but when she did she would confirm the actual time and send me a text message.

Well I waited, and waited, and waited some more.  No text. Then I started to think that I had misunderstood her.  But I didn't want to be the one to check, like I used to/do with Li.  I wanted her to remember me. The new day/time came closer and still no text. I got more and more agitated and distracted and preoccupied with it.  Finally Monday at 1 had arrived...and then passed by.

She had forgotten me.  But it didn't kill me.  Nope, instead after a bit of being pissed off, and a bit moody for a while, I moved on.  It hurt, but it didn't crush me.  I'm always fearful of that, of being crushed by what I feel and think.

Boy I wish I could say this stuff in person, it's a pain to type this all up.  But it doesn't come to me when I 'm in her office. Maybe if I picked just one thing to tell her, and tried to relax , maybe I could tell her.  Maybe I could tell her what I wrote up there.  It would be quicker than me typing out, atleast in theory.

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