Thursday, June 25, 2015

Interesting session yesterday and I feel pretty good about it all today. She was up in my territory yesterday so instead of me driving 2 hours each way to her office we met at a coffee shop the next town over from me. Of course it's great that I don't have to waste the entire day driving, although that has its benefits too, meeting her outside of her office is not alway as intimate as I would like/need, and I finally shared that with her last time we met so she's aware of it now.
A couple random thoughts:
    My daughter wanted me to ask L if she would come to her play this Friday. My daughter, who's 9 is extremely excited about her play and wants anyone we've ever met to come! and secretly instead I would have wanted L there too! So I did bring it up during our session, half kidding, but still hoping, and L responded that she really would love to come but she's heading back to main home on Froday morning. But she said that she hopes to be up in my area a lot this summer so if my daughter has another performance she would love to come! In telling my wife M this last night she said 'ya, that sounds like something L would do.'
 Of course because we were in a local coffee shop, and I'm a local business owner I wasn't surprised that I would see people I knew, which didn't really bother me. However I wasn't prepared for a local college professor that I've done some community work with to be at the shop and beyond saying Hi to each other he came over to ask me something for a similar community event next year. It was a little weird, but not really that bad. And I was glad /proud that L got to see me in my 'natural' and 'more normal setting.'
We also,talked about me texting her last week and what was going on for me at that time. The text I sent was just really a simple 'hi', and a way for me to ensure that she's still out there. She said she was happy I did. I told her I hate being so needy.  She said it wasn't need or dependence, it was just a way for me to feel connected and there's nothing wrong with that. She doe it quite often with her children, just to make sure they're not dead!!
Because she'll be up I'm my neck of the woods next week again she asked if I was ok with meeting again at th coffee shop, which I was. However after reading on a psych blog about 'if you could spend a day with your T what would you do, I got the courage to ask if if next week we could do a simple hike instead of meeting at the coffee shop. We always meet for 90 minutes and the hike is less than a mile and ends with an amazing view of one of the most beautiful lakes in the area I've often thought of doing this with here. She's a seasoned hiker and I'm definetly not but I've often wondered about sharing that experience with her. She responded with 'sure, that sounds great!'. I was very relieved, although there's still plenty of time to chicken out!

Thursday, June 4, 2015

There's got to be a 'why', right? Why am I filled with anxiety today?  Why do I transfer 'mother-crap' to her?  The silence, both my own and hers.  I guess just because I think/feel it doesn't make it so? I'm even seeing C's face instead of hers today.  That's even weirder. I feel silence is punishment and I also use silence as punishment.  Strange, yet it makes crazy sense too.

I've gotten myself all wound up that she's had enough of me.

Sent her another text message and then turned off the ringer so I won't hear the notification. And there's this level of satisfaction in giving her that type of silence.  Yet I'm well aware that it's all in my head.