Friday, September 5, 2014

I was trying to work up the nerve this morning to tell M something 'stupid'.  I was pretty certain she wouldn't think it was stupid, hence why I would tell her, but I just couldn't get myself there.

About a year or so ago I bought myself a charm that hangs from my car's rear view mirror.  It's kinda cool, it's a sun, that looks a bit like my one-and-only (currently) tattoo.  After that I bought M one, similar to mine but its of a peace sign.  It reminded me of her, always wanting 'peace' for people, especially people who are 'victims'.

Then about 8 months ago I was in this little country store and which carried the same kind of  charms, but with designs I hadn't seen before.  One in particular, it was a Fleur De Lis.  For reasons I won't go into I knew L would like it, or atleast I hoped she would.  I went back and forth about whether or not to buy it for it.  It wasn't a lot of money, but was it childish? was I being silly? I convinced myself that I would buy it but it didn't mean I actually had to give it to her (sometimes I have to take things in baby-steps).

Eventually I did give it to her, I don't remember the specifics of that day, although I'm sure I was nervous about it, and I'm also sure she received it perfectly.  No hesitation and much appreciation.

So fast forward to two weeks ago. I was having a particularly hard time deciding whether to go see L or not. She had just come back from vacation, which to make things even harder, was out of the country. You would think after seeing her for over 4 years I wouldn't go through the same push-pull every time, or at least not be surprised by it.  And although it's certainly not the 'same' push-pull as in previous times, it's still always hard. If you also factor in the two hour ride each way to see L, which gives me loads of time to run things over and over in my head, you'll see why I can really work myself into a tizzie before I even step into her office.

Still undecided about actually stepping foot into her office I pull into the parking lot and scan for her car.  If it's not there then it's a double win.  First I don't have to face her, and second I get to be mad at her for not showing up.  It's a two-for!! But it is there, and I must start the dead man's walk up to her office.  As I walk across the parking lot I look at her car again and I do my usual scan to see if the charm I had given her was still hanging from her mirror, like it has always been.  But this time I have to do a double, even triple's not there.  I'm so caught off guard, I check to make sure it's her car, and then I'm frozen, what do I do?