Saturday, August 27, 2016

Maternal transference, I'm assuming that's what it is, and it's time to talk about it.  But how do I tell her that she's on my mind a lot?  Wondering what she's doing, what her kids are like, stories from her life, how many brothers and/or sisters, what are/were her parents like?  I wonder how she sees me. And why, if at all, these conversations are important, what do they mean?   I need to really explore this a lot more, but how?

Friday, August 26, 2016

Intuition

How do I learn to listen to it?  To even recognize it?

Was it truly intuition?  My constant fear that Li would leave.  And even though she promised in all kids of ways, I never believed her.  I was always questioning 'when would the other shoe drop'.
Now, is that old crap?  attachment-related stuff?  Or is/was it my intuition?

Monday, August 22, 2016

Does she get me? A question only I can answer.
.
Yes, she gets me.  It's a strange feeling.  Wonder if it's true.

And Li, what I need from her is honestly. Wonder if I get it, if I can get it.

Friday, August 19, 2016

I met with Li.  It's been 10 months since we last saw each other.  It was good, not great, but mostly anticlimactic.  I wanted more.  I wanted a much deeper conversation, but that didn't happen.  It felt like she didn't really want to go there, although she certainly took ownership of what has transpired with us since she left, but we spent most of the time simply catching up on each others lives.

Halfway thru the conversation I realized that I needed to bring up how things ended.  I finally swayed the conversation over that way and told her that it's been hard since she left.  I missed her, but the way she handled it seemed careless ('careless' is how C has described it, and it fits ).  All Li had to say was 'she hears that'.  She didn't offer up excuses, which I was so afraid she would, but other than referencing 'financial problems' she didn't expound on it at all.  I needed much more.  Maybe I needed her to be more of a 'therapist' and help me explore that a lot more.  And maybe that's unfair cause she's not my therapist anymore.

I did try bringing the conversation back around one more time but she didn't bite.

We sent up another time to meet at the end of next month.  I'm hoping that I'll be able to more direct with her about how the ending is/was confusing to me, and hopefully I'll be more clear on what I would like to hear from her.  And maybe we can discuss what our 'relationship', if any, may look like going forward.


I've been missing C today.  I'm not sure why though.  I see her now on Monday and Wednesdays, which I think has helped me be less anxious, but today is Friday and Monday seems like a long time away.  Maybe part of it is that I'll be away on Monday so our session will be via Skype.  I'm getting used to the Skyping, but it does lack something too, or atleast in my head it does.

Monday, August 15, 2016

She texted me back.  Three days later....and of course there's more.

 L text: I have been hiking in #$%#@ and doing research. hope this gets to you will be back in a city by Monday.  No excuse for not being in touch.  I am very proud of the life that you've made for yourself and family.  We sorted out a lot of things together.  I've probably taken on more than I'm capable of doing and always feel like I'm trying to catch up.  L.

Been playing it over it my head since,  Being discussing it alot with Celia too.  Even as I just reread her text (for the first time) I feel I'm softening up a bit about it.

And is she therapist or friend?  Seems like there needs to another option.

There's a lot more that I want to write and share, but a nap calls.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

So I emailed Li.  It was only a couple of hours ago and I don't think I regret it, at least not yet.

It's been almost a year, can't believe it.  It sort of feels like you never existed, or maybe that's a defense mechanism.  I miss you, but you certainly have continued to hurt me.  Why would you tell me that we'd still have a relationship, why would you continuously reply to my occasional requests for contact in a supportive manner but never follow thru?  I just don't understand.  I still miss your hugs, but at the same time question there authenticity.  We did a lot of good work yet it left me with additional crap too.  Have been hoping to talk about this with you in person but trying to figure out a way to accept that this may never happen.

No response yet.  Could have so much more.  Was it ok to send?  Wish I could have really, really expressed my hurt and anger, but I guess that would have been wrong.

Friday, July 29, 2016

I wish I remembered more.

Does everyone have a dirty little secret or two?

If your wondering, then the answer is Yes.

I'm thinking I was probably 'funny'.  That was my thing?

Wonder what the top 10 secrets people keep are?

Sister K and I used to play together as kids.  I remember.  Lots of playing 'school'. And I was 'musically' close to my brother J.  He introduced me the music of the 30's, 40's, 50's...etc.  From Etta James to Chrissie Hynde.  And we even worked together, side by side for a few years.  Pretty intense years if I remember correctly.  Lots of drug use so not everything is clear.  Even after that. When I was with L.  But when I left L, J and I drifted apart.  Lots of anger on my part. Lots. He experienced J with me too.  The acts, and the feelings that I accuse him of, are they real?  Accurate?

I don't really remember my other 4 brothers and sisters.  And not much of my parents.  Other relatives, other than my cousin C, my aunt AR, and a little of my grandmas.

Then there's the friendship I had with L.  We grew up together.  From age twelve to twenty. I have never had a closer friend, than with L. And then lose touch for 30 years. And then how could she have turned out the way she did.

Is this what I'm supposed to be doing in therapy?  Telling Celia my most important relationships and how they have affected me?  Hmmm

If I'm wondering, then I hope the answer is Yes.