Thursday, October 20, 2016

Therapy hangover.  It's got to be one of the worst parts about going to therapy.  The day, or two, after.
It's a feeling, just a feeling, and thoughts.  I feel the need to get high just to be able to better articulate what happens.
It's very lonely.  And scary.  I crave to reach out to Celia.  And I feel like my thoughts and feelings will continue to spiral until I touch base with her, know she's there.
Sometimes I am able to distract myself and get my head out of therapy, but not lately.  I'm not sure if it's because I don't actually want to distract myself, or it's something else.
I'm supposed to meet up with Li on Monday.  I'm nervous about that and not sure I really want to go.
So now I sit in that familiar place, to text Celia or not?  I'm hoping writing will curtail the urge and also conjure up the words to talk about it with her on Monday.
Do I just drop her a text?  I really hate bothering her, even though she has told me that I'm not.

Sent her a text.  Damn I'm crazy

Thursday, September 8, 2016

When I most comfortable with myself?  When I am home alone, living in my head.  Weird?  Probably.

I hate scheduling problems.  Makes me feel like I don't matter.  And is that an old feeling?  Probably. But it still doesn't mean that it's not true, that I matter. I'm a little jealous of her clients in Tennessee. And yes, I understand that its crazy to believe that. Although I have to admit that I seem to be processing a bit different than I normally do.  I also held off on a funny comment, which would have been made to lighten the mood, at least in my head.

I'm scared to connect, really connect with C. Funny, can't even write her full name.  I think it will be too much.  I think I will be too much.

Should I text her or not this weekend.  With us not doing Monday's session, because of Labor Day, and me having a hard time with that, she suggested I text so I don't feel so disconnected and anxious.

I think I may  need to talk about 'hugging' again soon....see what I mean about being too much.

Was Li a narcissist? Or just my mother? Or am I drawn to narcissistic people? Am I a narcissist?

There must have been a time before the anger, before pushing her away, before putting up the walls?  I wonder when that was. I assume it wasn't one incident that then launched a thousand walls, but a culmination of events. Is that the reason for the longing now.

I miss the text messages between Li and I.  Not the agonizing ones, like if we're in the middle of a rupture.  But the funny ones, which were also therapeutic.

I definitely don't want to need Celia.

How can I trust Celia?  And should I trust her to the extent that I really want to?

How do you know when to fight for someone, or let them go?

As an update, I did text Celia yesterday.
Me: So my text...It's a longing, wish I understood it better, but how to get past it? A rhetorical question for now.
C: I'm hear; listening..We will keep talking it through, together.

I felt better after the text exchange, now the question rises again Do I text Celia? And I have been thinking about texting L too.  Guess it's just one of those weekends.  Maybe cause my wife and daughter have been away?  Too much alone time.

With Claire and Li I always felt best and less obsessive when I felt connected. I am scared to feel that with Celia. Maybe I don't want to feel good? Maybe I'm convinced she'll leave? Maybe I don't want her thinking I'm ok?

I wish , like I did with Claire and Li , that she would sit next to me.

Maybe it's not connection, but feeling secure?  Is that possible? I finally get what a 'secure base' means to me. Very interesting

I wish Celia sat next to me. Sometimes I imagine what that would look and feel like. Sometimes I picture us talking outside sitting on a bench.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Maternal transference, I'm assuming that's what it is, and it's time to talk about it.  But how do I tell her that she's on my mind a lot?  Wondering what she's doing, what her kids are like, stories from her life, how many brothers and/or sisters, what are/were her parents like?  I wonder how she sees me. And why, if at all, these conversations are important, what do they mean?   I need to really explore this a lot more, but how?

Friday, August 26, 2016


How do I learn to listen to it?  To even recognize it?

Was it truly intuition?  My constant fear that Li would leave.  And even though she promised in all kids of ways, I never believed her.  I was always questioning 'when would the other shoe drop'.
Now, is that old crap?  attachment-related stuff?  Or is/was it my intuition?

Monday, August 22, 2016

Does she get me? A question only I can answer.
Yes, she gets me.  It's a strange feeling.  Wonder if it's true.

And Li, what I need from her is honestly. Wonder if I get it, if I can get it.

Friday, August 19, 2016

I met with Li.  It's been 10 months since we last saw each other.  It was good, not great, but mostly anticlimactic.  I wanted more.  I wanted a much deeper conversation, but that didn't happen.  It felt like she didn't really want to go there, although she certainly took ownership of what has transpired with us since she left, but we spent most of the time simply catching up on each others lives.

Halfway thru the conversation I realized that I needed to bring up how things ended.  I finally swayed the conversation over that way and told her that it's been hard since she left.  I missed her, but the way she handled it seemed careless ('careless' is how C has described it, and it fits ).  All Li had to say was 'she hears that'.  She didn't offer up excuses, which I was so afraid she would, but other than referencing 'financial problems' she didn't expound on it at all.  I needed much more.  Maybe I needed her to be more of a 'therapist' and help me explore that a lot more.  And maybe that's unfair cause she's not my therapist anymore.

I did try bringing the conversation back around one more time but she didn't bite.

We sent up another time to meet at the end of next month.  I'm hoping that I'll be able to more direct with her about how the ending is/was confusing to me, and hopefully I'll be more clear on what I would like to hear from her.  And maybe we can discuss what our 'relationship', if any, may look like going forward.

I've been missing C today.  I'm not sure why though.  I see her now on Monday and Wednesdays, which I think has helped me be less anxious, but today is Friday and Monday seems like a long time away.  Maybe part of it is that I'll be away on Monday so our session will be via Skype.  I'm getting used to the Skyping, but it does lack something too, or atleast in my head it does.

Monday, August 15, 2016

She texted me back.  Three days later....and of course there's more.

 L text: I have been hiking in #$%#@ and doing research. hope this gets to you will be back in a city by Monday.  No excuse for not being in touch.  I am very proud of the life that you've made for yourself and family.  We sorted out a lot of things together.  I've probably taken on more than I'm capable of doing and always feel like I'm trying to catch up.  L.

Been playing it over it my head since,  Being discussing it alot with Celia too.  Even as I just reread her text (for the first time) I feel I'm softening up a bit about it.

And is she therapist or friend?  Seems like there needs to another option.

There's a lot more that I want to write and share, but a nap calls.