Saturday, December 21, 2013

I guess some may call it an 'ambush I-Love-You', but it wasn't my plan, it just came out of my mouth.

Let me back track a little bit.  Last week we had a hard session.  Funny, as I write this I realize that the week previous to last was a really good session.  We connected and I was able to get out some stuff that needed to be discussed. Of course it will take me months and months for me to get out everything that I need to say.  It's not that there's that much, it just takes me a while.

Anyway, after that very good session, we followed it up the next week with a horrible session. The reasons for shutting down were of course very silly, but that never really matters, does it? I left the session early, without really saying much.

The next day she sent me a text asking if I was feeling any different today, and that she hoped I was.  Well that text allowed me to start opening up to her a bit about what had been running through my brain during our session.  Of course I didn't go into much detail via a text, but it was enough for me to feel better, and cared about.  And I was also pretty confident that I would be able to talk the following week.

And that's exactly what happened, I was able to tell her what the 'silly' thing is that triggered me.  As usual the central problem is that I feel that she doesn't truly care about me, that we don't have a 'real' relationship. I am also questioning/analyzing what she says to me.  So one slip-up on her part can just start me spiraling.

One of the things I wrote in my text was  'I know I'm always analyzing/questioning what you say and how you say it (and of course I'm always trying to figure out what you're 'really' thinking) but I guess I can't question your actions (usually!)'

So now fast forward to this weeks session.  I brought some Christmas bark and other chocolates that I had made, along with a card.  I told her if the session didn't go well this week she wouldn't get the chocolate! But lucky for her (and me!!) it went well.  We connected, I was able to be open, honest, and vulnerable with her. It felt good.

However, one of the hardest part for me, especially if we are having a really good/connected session, is leaving.  I just never want to.  So usually I make smart-ass comments, just to make her smile, and for me to lighten my mood a bit.  So when I finally got up to leave, that's when it happened.....

I opened her office door and she called me back in.  Just snuck a quick bite of the bark, she said she loved it (of course she would say that!!!) and wanted to wish me a good Christmas and then gave me a hug.  I hugged her back, and then it just slipped out of my mouth 'L, I love you', and without missing a beat she said 'I love you too'.

I was so taken back by what had just happened, what I had said, what she had said....I'm pretty sure I stumbled over her waiting room furniture as I tried to leave.  And of course I said some incoherent wise-ass remark that she was 'playing' me!

A while later, I texted her 'Sorry about the ambush I love you, I didn't mean to say it, but I did mean what I said'.

She reponded (crushingly a day later!!) with 'I'm glad you meant it, I also mean it'.

Happy Holidays!