Sunday, November 30, 2014

Just sent her a text letting her know that it makes sense for me to cancel next week.  I don't want to, but it's the day before thanksgiving, S, my daughter has off, I don't have any money, and we have to drive down the next day. It's sending me for a little bit of a loop. I am going to stay at a friends tonight and that is weighing on me too.  It's uncomfortable for me to be one-on-one with someone.  I was hoping to bring S, my daughter as a buffer for me but M really pushed for me to leave her at home, that I needed alone time with my friend.
It's like L is disappeared into the black hole now.
These are just random thoughts I've had compiled over a few days.....Sometimes it helps just to write things out.

Why did our testing exchange, which turned horrible, as it has on occasion, overwhelm me?  Like if this was somehow the end of our relationship then I would lose any interest in living.  Like the meaning would be gone.

Why does seeing her posts on Facebook with friends, and eek, even boyfriends overwhelm me as well?

Just when I start to think, and maybe even worry a bit that things are starting to be more 'normal' with L, I get thrown into this flurry of catastrophic thoughts, and I can't think of anything else.

How do I know that I should trust her?

Should I trust my logical side, my gut, my emotional side.....something else maybe?

Middle of the night thoughts: maybe there are more ways to see it? I feel like I'm fooling myself sometimes, and maybe you just tell me what 'therapeutically' i should hear? My life is better with you in it, and it scares the shit out of me to think you won't be, and it scares the shit out of me that it scares the shit out of me. Should I take that as a 'sign' that I need to back away?  I wonder if that's how abused women feel? Like they just can't leave that person? That hopefully they will love you back? I'm trying to think, hope, feel that I'm wrong about her not willing/wanting to see me at some reduced fee because she really only sees me for the money.  I never did outright ask her, so maybe I'm wrong.
And I'm not sure there's any correlation to the concerns/comments a few weeks ago regarding the lack of intensity, but I'm open to the possibility.
When she wrote that 'My feelings is texting is the easy way out and I would love to be able to discuss all of this with you in person' it seemed/felt that she was finally saying what she really felt, which was that she really did hate when I text, and that I'm a nuisance, I'm too much work, not worth it, even for the small amount of money
She never really says 'she's sorry', it's more like either a generic 'I'm not perfect, I make mistakes', or "I'm sorry if it made you feel that way'.
She says to ask questions, but it's also none of my business right?
Does she react certain ways because of role she's supposed to play, the job that she has? Does she say things to 'trick' me, to get me to believe that I can trust her?  Is it all calculated?  Is that even fair of me?  I pay her for a 'service' and when I get it I question it?  Man that is fucked.
Is that it?  All I really want to know is that she loves me?  And she doesn't, or she can't, or she won't? So I'm just banging my head against the wall.  And I'm just chasing my tail because if she doesn't respond it confirms by beliefs and if she does respond I don't believe her?  There isn't anything she could say or do because there's no way she could love me.
So last night I wondered if I could start looking at her like a therapist and not anything more?  Someone with whom I could remain aloof to but respect?

Sent her a text a few hours ago asking if we could meet next wednesday, which would be our normal time to meet.  It's just that I walked out of session yesterday and at that time I was hell bent on not going back.

She says I can tell her about my anger, she even said I could tell her she was being an 'asshole' about something, but in fact when I did ( I didn't call her an asshole I told her I felt her response to something sucked) she got mad, or atleast I felt she was mad. Although I do have to admit that I am a bit thin-skinned and feel people are often mad at me.

She just responded to my text and said 'yes' we could meet next Wednesday at the usual time.  Now I'm worried that she hates me and has had enough.  I'm afraid that maybe she thought that she was finally off the hook and I left.

If I didn't contact her, would she have? I still so worry about the abandonment thing.  I wish I could know that  there would be nearly nothing I could do.

I tried to tell M about what had gone on.  She had wanted to know since I got home Wednesday but I just shutdown.  In talking with her last night, at her insistence of course, I realized how stupid it all sounded.  I couldn't say out loud that I just wanted L to love me, and to know that all the time.  To be certain, always.  Instead sort of talking made me feel like more of a jerk.

I miss texting her.

Feeling pretty sad and starting to get overwhelmed, lost in my thoughts.  In sort of talking with M I realized, once again, how things can get so big in my head, my feelings don't seem proportional to the event, even just my understanding, which of course is tainted.

I haven't really exercised in a couple of weeks.  Some half-hearted starts and stops.  I think it's affecting me in many ways.  My sleep sucks, back to waking up and staying up.

I want her to love me unconditionally, I'm assuming I never really got that before, hence the need still exists?

when this happens again what do I do?

why do I idolize her? think her life is wonderful or perfect? similar to the way kids idolize their parents maybe?

Anger.  Why am I so angry? Afraid to express anger

I finally talked, really talked to M about what happened between L and other the other day. I really want to be a better person, for me, and for M, she totally deserves it.

I'm never sure whether my thoughts are real/valid. I can hear L right now saying 'that's why you need to talk it out, sort it out'

M and I had a really good conversation.  I told her everything.  It made me feel so much better, even though she stood up for L.  Told me how caring L is, she understood what L was saying about my texting, and agreed with her.

M says I'm angry alot.