Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I'm not quite sure how I feel after today's session. Maybe I sort of went thru the motions today, but didn't really connect?  Not sure if that's really accurate.  I was able to tell her something that had been on my mind for a while.  Something very personnel and embarrassing, and I even gave her a hug at the end, one in which I initiated, but still I feel a little distant, or maybe I'm just a bit drained.

Why can't I just sit there and tell her anything and everything?

I'm jealous of her. She showed me a picture of her house today and of course it's awesome.  An old 1800 Victorian house in a well to-do suburb of New England.  She's selling it and renovating a house in a very cool part of the city. What's not to be jealous of?

She's a runner, very fit.

She knows many 'famous' people, mostly 80's rock 'n roll stars.

She has good close relationships and a strong bond with her two children.

I'm jealous of her friends.  She said we could be Facebook friends.  As much as I would LOVE that I think it may drive me crazy too.

I think I'm mostly jealous of how she carries herself.  Very self assured, not cocky just confident.  Very generous and open. I can ask her anything and she would answer it.  She has the most positive outlook of anyone I've ever met.

We've talked about her husband's death a couple of times.  When I first started seeing her I Googled her name and her husband's obituary came up, along with the newspaper article about the car accident he was killed in.  I was embarrassed having this information about her, but also felt an overwhelming sense of grief her.  She had two young children at the time and I would often wonder how she got through such an unimaginable event.  I finally had to confess to her that I knew this info.  It was maybe one of the only times I cried in her office, mostly because I was pained that she and her family had lost a husband and a father.

I tossed and turned all last night (but who's kidding, I do that most nights!) Am I angry at her again?  Does she share too much with me?  She also told me at the end of our session yesterday that she wouldn't be around next Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday next week.  I immediately asked her where she was going and she told me she was going to New York to celebrate a friends birthday.  Jealous again.

Why?  I'm not jealous of other people and their lives.  I know that I have a pretty good life and many are envious of the life changes we've undertaken over the past couple of years.  Maybe I'm jealous because L appears to be pretty set financially, and I am struggling in that area right now.

We also talked about S.E.X. yesterday too.  I can't believe I finally told her that it's another area of her life that I have her on a pedestal.  I also know that part of my jealousy of her is that my partner and I have struggled with intimacy and we've only just started to work through it.  I told L yesterday that during the week when I wonder what she's doing I always assume that she's having great sex!  I know how stupid/funny/silly that is, and I know logically why I think it, but it's still bother some.  I can't believe I actually shared that with her.  Of course in her most perfect response, she thanked me for putting that sort of Karma out there and maybe the universe will hear me!!!

She told me that because we won't see each other til the end of next week she expects lots of texts from me. She said, as she has always said, that I can text her anything and as much as I want.  She may not always get a chance to respond, but she will if she can.  She wants me to be able to keep the connection to her in between sessions and usually texting helps me.  Before we moved, two hours away and I had money to burn I used to see L twice a week.  It was very helpful.  I didn't loose connection to her and I was able to move through some life changing events.  I know we can't do twice a week again, but the texting can help. \

Unfortunately I fight the urge to text her.  I don't want to need her.  I'm often stuck in a catch-22. Damned if I text her and damned if I don't.

There's so much running around in my head right now.......

Friday, January 10, 2014

I need to get past this 'trust' issue if I'm going to be able to go any further.  I was going to write 'further with L', but I know it's more than that.  It starts with her and then I know it will grow with others.  I've seen it, I've experienced it, I just need to figure out how to be much better at it.  And when I falter or doubt rears it's ugly head I need to commit to moving thru it.

I've googled a bit on 'how to trust' and it's been a little helpful.  More just tidbits of antidotes.  Maybe it's more like dieting.  You can read all about it and study different approaches and ideas but the fact isay

I've also tired to take a step back and maybe look at it another way. Like 'Why would she lie to me? What's in it for her?'  I'm hoping my not being able to come up with a reasonable response will helped my twisted-thinking.

L texted me last night.  I was at the shop, working a long day.  In fact it had been a long, weird day.  It was busy, not from a making money perspective, but more from various folks coming in and staying for long, strange, all-over-the-place conversations.  By most accounts it was fun.  At one point I had been laughing with a customer so much that my cheeks hurt.  However, as I enjoyed talking with everyone and the different stories and topics we covered, it still is work for me.  Not just the serving of soups and ice cream, but engaging and entertaining customers. It can sort of exhaust me.  It's kind of like going to a party and having to put your party-face on.

Anyway, my phone dinged with L's text, I was a but surprised (in a good way) but I was also a bit worn, but also feeling good from the connections and conversations I had been having.  Here's pretty much how our conversation went:

L: Are you thinking about talking and how that might be a good alternative?
Me: A good alternative to what? (I started off by being a bit of a wise-ass, feeling a little manicy maybe?)
L: To keeping everything all inside and not getting any human response to your thoughts
Me: What I can't figure out is how to trust you...........I don't know how to.
L: I will keep trying
Me: Thanks, and this text from you would be enough for most people to believe you, but I don't think there's anything you can do, which makes me sad.
Me: Cause I really want to
Me: Except when I don't want to, and then you're on your own

I then texted that I had been thinking about something that she had told me about during our session and that I wish I had paid more attention to her during it, but at that moment I was in my own little world.
Then finally:

Me: Thanks for checking in, amongst the millions of thoughts that were racing thru my head today I was trying to figure out how to get back to seeing you twice a week again.  it's not possible, for a number of reasons, but the in between texting helps.  And being thought of by you means a lot too.  If I could only bottle it.
L: I'll buy a bottle manufacturing company.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

I can't remember if she asked 'What would a perfect session look like to you?' or if she asked more along the lines of  "How would you like our relationship to look like?'.  Both similar yet very different. Maybe I'll give each some thought.  I'm not sure but I think they were just 'million dollar'-like questions (e.g. If you won a million dollars and could do whatever you wanted what would it be? or If your life was perfect what would it look like?) but she also said she'd be willing to try anything (I'm sure she meant 'almost' anything!!)

Thinking about these questions this morning I was also wondering what would it take for me to trust her, to believe she won't abandon me? Maybe it's not one answer, or even a set of answers, but something that has to be grown?  But how, and with what? I still can't see it clearly.  It's scary to think that I don't have an answer for that.

I was also thinking about my daughter this morning and how would I answer if she asked 'What would it take for me to trust you mom?' And strangely I don't have an answer for her either, it's just something that I know.  The love I have for her cannot come from anyone else but me.  And as much as I want her to know that I will always be there for her there really is no way, that I can think of to 'prove' it to her.

So is a simple answer that I just must believe? And if it's so simple why is it so hard? What is this so-called 'power' that I fear losing?

Could I dare ask for a session in her house? To see where she lives and to get a glimpse of her most personal self. Would that be part of my million dollar answer?  To be able to share in a tangible way some of her?  To sit on her couch and talk in a connected, intimate way? To really let down my walls.

It also occurred to me that as much as I want her to feel towards me the same way I feel towards my daughter, I know (or almost know) that she can't. It's not her fault, it's not that she could if she really wanted to, or even if she just tried harder! But it's simply not possible.  Hard to be angry at her for that (although I'm giving it a good run!)

It also occurred to me yesterday that I don't want to cross into a friendship (not that it's an option).  I need her to be my therapist right now.  But also hope that it morphs into something else, or maybe it's morphing now? To be comfortable with the ebb and flow?

Such ramblings today, I'm in a weird place and I'm trying to be comfortable with it.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

I'm so damn predictable.  I contacted L via text and I have an appointment Wednesday afternoon.  Now the usual go, or not to go??

Of course I've been playing it over and over in my head so I thought I throw up all these thoughts via this blog and see what sticks!

Not in a particular order:

My 'go to' reaction is to go, but not talk.  I would do that to 'punish' her.  And yes of course that's what I did as a kid to 'punish' my mother.  I would just shut down and crawl into my self.  I guess it worked then, although I'm not really sure.  I know it drove her crazy (maybe even literally!!!) but other than that I'm not sure if it served me well.

So fast forward 40-something years later and the question still remains the same, does shutting down and crawling into myself serve me well?? ( man, I've been in therapy way toooooo long)

That's actually a complicated question, or maybe it's just the answer that's complicated.

It's something to do with power, or maybe it's just 'perceived' power (another example of way too much therapy!). If I actually talk with L and tell her what's going on then I would most likely feel better.  I'm sure I'd feel a good connection with her and it would carry me through the week (or is that 'weak'?). But in thinking about it I'm afraid that I would be giving up something, or losing something.  I guess that's where the power comes in.  Although I'm not really clear on what that actually means.

I also hate this situation that I constantly find myself in.  I resent her in some way. She'll say all the right things, assure me that my feelings aren't weird and it's ok for me to want to connect with her. But it's one way.  Although I know she'll say it's not.  But there is a power in-balance and she's got most of it.

Still need to think about this a lot more.......or maybe I need to actually talk about this........nah!!!!!

Friday, January 3, 2014

Maybe I'm making too much out of this, or maybe it really is a turning point? Soooooo dramatic on my part!

And if I texted, what would I say?  Just simply "Do you have any time next week?" Do I really need to communicate how I'm feeling in a text?

Maybe she did text me, but I never got it, so now she's waiting for my response?

While writing this out I somehow stopped and convinced myself to text her.  I told myself that I would do it for me, so I could stop having this run through my head, although now I'm not sure it will stop.

She quickly replied back and asked if I wanted to come in on Wednesday, which is usually a day that I would come in, but I can't this week.  So now I've replied that I can't and that I could do Friday.

Unfortunately part of me is screaming inside 'Fuck her, I can't wait til Friday' and 'Fuck her, I'm not gonna wait til Friday, I'm not gonna go at all'.....

I'm sure there's more 'Fuck her' screaming inside and it's just making me feel more sad writing this out.

I don't want to get in to yet another 'pissing' contest via text.  At the same time I don't want to take the high road and act like a grown-up.  I want to hurt her in a way that will convey the hurt I've been feeling the past few days.

I also am aware that the hurt I've been feeling has all been made up, I've construed it, I've constructed it.

I know it's childish but I want to text her 'did you forget about me?' or 'were you ever going to reach out to me?'

Feeling like crawling under a rock right now.  Or atleast under some warm blankets.

I'm embarrassed to even post this, but I need to let it go.  Throw it out and see how it comes back to me.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

I'm writing this because I know how stupid it is and hoping this will help adjust my way or another.

I haven't seen L in over 2 weeks, and at the moment I don't even have another appointment set...and I'll be damned if I'll be the one to flinch first (yes, I know, crazy thinking).

We exchanged some texts on the 23rd, including one in which I said I couldn't see her on the 24th, but asking her to let me know if/when she had time to meet next week (which would have been this week).  I never did hear from her. I figured I would have heard by the end of last week or at the latest the beginning of this week, but that did not happen.

Now every time my phone goes off notifying me of a text I'm hoping it's her.  However, each time my phone goes off and it's not her I keep getting angrier and angrier.  I hate when I'm in the place, but I'm not willing to let it go either.