Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Why do keep holding on to the belief that we could be friends? Maybe she would be a better friend than a therapist, I tell myself.  Although I know we did a lot of good work together it's fairly/mostly clear to me that she also made some mistakes.  And the mistakes seem kind of basic, but detrimental at the same time.

I take my share of responsibility cause I wanted it.  I wanted to be able to text her all the time.  I wanted to know more about her life.  I wanted to be friends on FB.  I wanted to depend on her, to need her, to be comforted by her.  I'm sure I initiated hugs and I know for sure that I was the first one to say 'I love you'. I felt special when we would meet at places other than her office.

But do I really have to let it, let her go?  Is our relationship, and whatever that means, too much for me? I don't mean that it's toxic, but certainly my reactions to it are.

Why can't I let go? Say goodbye?  The thought makes me so sad.

Is that the only way?  Can I get one more conversation with her?  Of course I know she would meet, but should I, and what should my intent be, and what happens if I get wrapped up in her again?  Is this just my process, to keep revisiting it over and over again? I'm embarrassed and ashamed to keep talking about it with C.  Once again there are starving children in the world and I have a pretty good life so is that what I should be doing?  Improving on my life, on my relationships, making my marriage better? Will that take away the yearnings?

And what about C and my 'therapeutic relationship'? Do I focus some energy keeping that at bay? So far I think it's been fairly balanced in my head.  A few things regarding our work has come up and I've talked to her about it. With C it does feel different, and of course a bit the same.  But so far I haven't found myself being pulled under in the riptide of feelings towards her. There are some things, like the 'waiting for Wednesday' thoughts.  Not as intrusive as I felt with L, or my other intense exT-C, but they are there, and sometimes I wish I could text C for some relief but I think that may not be in my best interest, and I'm afraid to have that conversation with her.  Afraid I will hear 'rejection'.

But the one thing that is somewhat strong is the want to hug her as I walk out the door.  I'm sure a lot of it has to do with that being my ritual with L.  It still feels very real, and I do feel connected to C, but it seems to soon, like I normally wouldn't feel that pull.  So once again, transference, or not??

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