Friday, June 10, 2016

She didn't tell me.  Or rather, she forgot to tell me.  She's going away.  For 2 weeks.  To South Africa.

It definitely bothered me, but not as bad as I would have thought it would.  Maybe it was the look on her face when she realized it. Nearly horrified at herself, and really concerned for me.  She apologized profusely.

I needed to let it sink in before I could really discuss it with her.  However I've been in a sort of low place lately.  Not fully participating in things, just watching from the perimeter.  I've had to force myself to do things, trying to get myself out of this mood but it's hard.  So I was very quiet  after her telling me about her vacation.

There was a lot of push-pull at this session.  Much more palpable than usual.  I think a couple times I may have intended to leave, luckily I thought staying was a much better option, and so I did, with her quiet encouragement.

In the end I talked, not at great lengths, but I think enough to feel better.

I miss Li.  But I think in reality I miss what I thought we had. I wonder why she played me.  Or like I told Celia I wonder if it was 'professional manipulation'.  She told me what she thought I should hear to get better, to form a close relationship with her.  But it was fake, she never really meant it.

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