Monday, February 6, 2012

I've been wanting to write, but I've also been a bit hesitant.  I could easily use the 'reasoning' that life continues to be very busy so I have little free time, but that's not exactly the truth.

However, it is true that life is busy.  I spent all weekend painting and de-cluttering, trying to get the house ready to go on the market.  We're making progress, but still so much to do, and we're running out of time. 

M and I took last Thursday off and went up to the ice cream shop.  As our 5 year old had a half day we also dragged her with us and we took a tour of her new school.  It was great.  The principal took us around and introduced to a bunch of people.  The school was nice, and the class sizes were small.  The entire time we walked around and met teachers/administrators I was trying to gauge their reaction to us; a five year old with two moms.  As we are moving from a liberal state to a much more 'independant' state we worry about our daughter and how she'll be treated.  Luckily during all our trips up there, with everyone we've met we have yet to feel any hesitance or resistance to our somewhat non-traditional family, and that too was the case with the school.  In fact, after talking with one teacher for a bit of time I asked her how welcoming she felt the community would be to our family.  Without batting and eye she assured us that we have nothing to worry about.

We also spent quite a bit of time at the shop meeting with our ice cream guy! That's what his kids call him, and it's true.  He has worked at the dairy where we'll be buying our ice cream from for over 30 years.  He has done it all there and his knowledge just oozes out of him.  And not in a pompous way, but in a very friendly, supportive way.  He likes to be very involved with his customers because he knows the only way for him to be successful is for us to be successful!

This coming week I still need to finish the business plan for the bank, M and I will be attending a Quickbooks class on Thursday and a food handling class on Saturday, and let's not forget taxes on Sunday!

So I'm not fooling myself by saying I've been too busy to write, but there's still been something weighing on me that I'm not sure what to do with.  It's not a big deal, and I wish I could just roll with it....

One of the more complicated things about buying the ice cream shop is the relocating piece.  Selling our current home, and loosing thousands really sucks, but not being able to buy another house for a while sucks as well.  Because we will be self-employed banks won't consider lending to us until we have two years of tax returns.  We have a couple other options too, but we'll most likely need to rent for a while.  Because we want our daughter to attend elementary school there, we have to live in the town.  But because it's a college community the rental market is tight.  Plus we have a dog and cats so that rules out a good portion of our rental options.

So with all that, I was telling L on Friday that there's a potential job up in the area that M may apply for.  It's right up her ally, a current co-worker used to work there and has good connections, and she would get benefits, which would be HUGE for us.  Paying out of pocket for health insurance is ridiculously expensive, so we would save a lot.  But one of the struggles is we don't know when M could start work, if they offer her the job, because we don't have a home up there yet.

L, in her amazingly supportive way offered up her house to us, if we got into a bind.  She has a second home/vacation home near the area that we are moving too.  I was totally floored.  I had a tough week therapy-wise but was able to work through it with L, and her generous offer, in my head, will only help cement how 'true' her support of me is. 

But I also got this twinge later on that this is probably totally crossing the line, and I started to worry a bit about her not having good boundaries and me getting the brunt of that at some point.  It happened in my first therapist relationship years ago.  My then therapist was supportive and I thought we had a pretty good relationship, in fact she came to my wedding.  But then shortly after that she pulled the rug out from under me.  Is that going to happen again?

Although I keep trying to brush the thoughts away, I know it's weighing on me a bit because I've dreamed about it.  There's no fooling my subconscious!

So do I risk talking about it with her?  I don't want her to take the offer back.  Of course it feeds into my 'I wish she was in my real life' fantasies, but so what?

I also don't want to make a big deal out of it, I want to put my big girl pants on and just be grateful for the offer, and her continued support.

L has always gone above and beyond with me. I assume she's that type of therapist/person, but I also like to think it's because we have a special relationship.  I know how that sounds, and I should get over it, or under it, or past it, but can't I hang on to it? 

When I've been on vacation, she's met me halfway between her place and where we're staying, so I would have to drive for like two hours.  She always gives me extra time when she can.  She lets me text (and call) as often as I like, even if I don't have anything to say.  She takes every crazy word that comes out of my mouth with stride.

Maybe this is just one more thing of L-being-L?


  1. I'm going to say this, and I know it's not what you're wanting to hear. It seems to me that loaning you her house is getting into a problem with boundaries, as you are thinking. That's not to say she is going to 'drop' you. But once you start interacting in 'real life' with a therapist (their house is pretty real), things that happen there will influence your therapy. Therapy is based on transference, but property is not. I'd definitely raise this with L at the very least. It is not a minor concern at all.

    You sound real excited about your plans and your new life, and good for you for going for it. Sorry to be somewhat negative, but that's me.

  2. Thanks for your feedback Ellen. I have struggled with a lot of 'boundary-like' issues with her. But I feel like I've gained so much with these issues as well. For me the relationship with L has really allowed me to grow, and I've seen a big difference will how I relate to others in my RL. I'm just hoping that is this case this time as well.
    If I was 'ok' with her loaning us her vacation house, would it make it 'ok'?

    1. Who am I to say. But IMO, with therapy as I understand it to work, this would be a boundaries problem no matter what your feelings about it are. I could be wrong.

      Whatever happens, it is surely worth bringing the issue up with L.

      good luck NWNMG

  3. As a therapy client who understands where you are, I want to shout out, "DO IT! But as a blog friend (which I consider you), I must say that it's probably not the best idea. Your dynamic will more than likely change - now that a home is involved, potentially money, space, etc.

    If the same thing were presented to me, I'd be torn between wanting to interact with her in a personal (non-therapy) way by accepting her offer - and keeping everything as it is and not accepting it. I notice that so often I wish to have her a part of my personal life and for me to be in hers, but realistically I know it's not a good idea.

    If you are concerned about boundaries being broken here, then to me, that means you're own red flag went up. Talk to her about it and let her know that boundaries were broken in the past and that you don't want to come across another problem. And explain what you've written here - that you're thankful for who she is and how she treats you. I know that it can be scary to bring up topics like this ... I know I'm always afraid of Daisy changing if I bring it up, and I really enjoy her as she is.

    I apologize for using a lot of "me" and "my", but I hope you know that you're not alone and that these questions run through my own head too. And I don't want to have it sound like you HAVE to do something a certain way. I hope you're able to talk to her further about it and get some answers to your questions. And I hope you come back here and let us know.

  4. You guys really are the best!! Thanks so much.
    L and I did talk about it....I'll hopefully post more later.