I would never consider myself to be a 'talker', and I'm pretty sure people who know me would agree. And although it may appear that I talk about a lot of things with L, honestly she spends more time talking than I do. She does an excellent job pulling things from me and I know I wouldn't have gotten this far if she was a blank-slate, or waited for me to take the lead.
The texting has helped me tremendously as well. Don't get me wrong, texting has led to some missteps and misunderstandings, but I think the good as outweighed the bad, at least for me.
I know it's hard for her sometimes, trying to maintain a balance of giving me my own space and allowing me to take my time, versus pushing me to talk. It's not always perfect, but like I said, I don't think I would have gotten this far if her approach was different. And today was a good example of that.
Because I'm not quite sure yet if I'm going to die of embarrassment or not over what we talked about, I'm not going to go in to much detail. But suffice to say that I was able to share my 'authentic' thoughts that I wrote about in my last post.
It took a while, I certainly didn't come up with guns-a-blazing, and she was actually ticking me off a bit at first.
You see we had couples counseling, M and I, yesterday, and it was horrible. She, meanin L, pushed and I retreated. I think I said all of 10 sentences, and most of them were 'I don't know'. However, what I saw and experienced yesterday was M's reaction to my retreating, and it wasn't pretty, I was such a jerk. It took me until we were driving home that I was able to tell M what was going on for me.
Once again, I'm not going in to much detail, but as I am an Irish-Catholic-Lesbian I am the epitome of guilt. I even have guilt over the guilt! Lucky for me I'm also a wise-ass, sarcastic bi-atch, so I can usually hide my guilt/shame very well, and that's what happened yesterday. I feel such shame and embarrassment over some things that I either retreat or lash-out, and in some cases I do both. This weekend I did both!
But, on an 'up' note, I as able to talk about some of it with M. We still have a long ways to go with this, but at least it's out there. It sort of now feels a little like we're on the same side instead of resenting or working against each other. All good stuff. Hard, but good.
So when I got to L's today for my session she didn't know what had transpired after we left her office. She didn't know that I was able to tell M some of what was going through my head. So once again she started pushing again, and I started retreating a little bit. I was also using the retreating as a 'reason' not to tell her what the source of my discomfort/shame/embarrassment was. But she backed off a bit (a LITTLE bit) and after a couple of false starts I knew I wanted to get this out on the table, so I started with the blogging around 'being authentic', and some thoughts I had, and how it impacted my weekend with M, and what 'demons' we(I) still have to uncover.
I know if I were L I'd be thinking what a great session we had, and how far I've come. I'm 46 years old, I have been in therapy off-and-on for probably 15 years, and there are so many topics that I've never discussed. But today I can check off one of them. But I'm not L, and part of me is a little bit afraid of having been so open today. But I'd also be lying if said I didn't feel better, cause I think I do. At least for today, for right now.........there's always tomorrow!