While giving my daughter a tub last night I grabbed my Nook and thought I would read for a little bit, but instead I wrote this:
So is it better to fight the attachment stuff with L? or is it better to wholeheartedly embrace it? Although she is not perfect, and I don't think I have her on too high of a pedestal, what she gives me is amazing. She has been unwavering in her support and guidance, and I feel such a connection with her.
Or instead of those two choices, fighting or embracing, is there something in the middle? Would it be better for me to accept her support, but also be mindful of the reality? Funny, as I write 'mindful of the reality' I hear L in my head "And what is the reality of our relationship?" I don't think she'd quite agreement with my assesment. And actually, I would feel bad if said stuff like '...it's a business relationship....I pay for you to care...etc'
I certainly don't want those things to be true, and in my heart-of-hearts I'm pretty sure she cares, but I still fight it.
I had this all rolling around in my head when I saw her today. I hadn't seen her for over a week and I felt like I was in the 'what's this all about' kind of place. Like why do I still struggle with the relationship part? Why can't I come in and get relief from talking about day-to-day stuff? Why do I allow her to grow so much in my head? I don't need this, I bring it on myself.
So of course instead of talking about any of this today (cause I feel like I should be beyond it by now) we talk about all the other stuff that is going on.
I fill her on the latest with the ice cream shop. I am still working with the owners of the original place that I liked. Unfortunately because they are a mom-and-pop kind of shop, they have been very slow with giving us the financial info I've asked for. I can understand some of the delay, which is caused in part because nothing is computerized, in fact they don't even own a computer. But some things, like their tax filings for the past 3 years and their bank statements they have not been forthcoming with. These things they should just be able to pull from their files, but for some reason they keep delaying things.
And although they haven't been able to officially 'prove' what their business is worth, they did give me a high-level price and a high level of their sales volume. So I've spent some time trying to come up a way to assess their business. All my findings point to them asking WAY to much.
But with all that frustration, I have been able to come up comperable businesses in the area, more to show the owners what other shops are priced at so they would be willing to come down in price. And last week we took it a step further and visted one of the comperable business. At first glance I had written it off as a possibility for us, but after looking at it further we decided to really look into this place. And to make a long story short, we really, really liked the business, and the town. So now we are having deeper and more detailed conversations with the owners of place number 2!
It's all very exciting, and exhausting, and scary, but things are really starting to move now, and M (my partner) and I agree that we should have a decision by the end of this month, with a goal of buying the business in March.
So now, my first day back at work since Christmas and I've been on the phone all day with brokers, realtors, and distributors. And this really is what I talked with L about our session today.
Maybe it was good to that I focused on the ice cream stuff today, and there is so much too it, but at the same time I don't get the same type of relief, or connection as when we talk about 'our relationship'. I wish I understood that better.
And just to add a little twist to this new shop, it's a 1 1/2 hour drive north from where we live now, which is fine because we anticipated moving. In fact this town is a college town with a very active chamber of commerce, so there are lots of plusses. But the weird thing is L has a second/vacation home in the next town. She actually knows this shop and the town very well, as it's the only place for 15 miles to get ice cream. So I'm assuming, and hoping that she'd still be a customer!! I know I probably shouldn't be so happy about that, or even assume that she'd still come.
Another weird thing is I probably wouldn't see her at her current office, as it would be a 90 minute drive. But she said we would figure something out. She spends a lot of time up there, especially during the sommer, so we could figure out another place to meet, maybe a library or something. We've met at coffee shops in the past, so that's a possibility as well.
It's all so strange, this therapy stuff. Is it supposed to be, or is it just me? Seriously, do normal people worry about how a life altering a decision, like moving and switching careers will impact your therapy?
Just sent L another text:
Me: Not so good with the talking today, sorry. I just keep fighting it, but I'll try to be on my better behaviour on Friday.
Her response: All is good.