Tuesday, March 13, 2012

In my head, I've started writing an update about a dozen times, but at the same time I'm not sure I can finish a complete thought.  I think a lot of it has to do with the current state of my life.  Basically it's all over the place.  Don't misunderstand me though, I know I've put myself in this situation, but there's a hell of a lot of changes going on in my life, so I'm a bit all over the place.  Although strangely, at the same time, it also feels pretty good.  Scary, but good. 

Let's see, we'll start with the 'easy' external stuff.  Our house is on the market, and man is it ever stressful.  We've had to clean and declutter, which is simply exhausting.  The good news is that at least that part is done, and we're getting a lot of foot traffic, and rumor has it we may get a written offer today.  But the hard part is keeping the house looking 'pristine' all the time, and not being home while people traipse through our house.  This weekend M was out of town visiting her dad so I had to keep loading up the kid and the dog in the car and find things to keep us all occupied for short amounts of time. 

Mostly it's an inconvenience, and I hope it's over soon!!!

As for the hard internal stuff, well, it's been hard, or maybe 'different' is a better word. I feel like something is changing and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.  Last weekend I heard a quote from somewhere (maybe a movie??) that goes 'When God wants to punish you, he answers your prayers'.  And I'm wondering if my 'prayers' regarding therapy and L are being answered.  Lately I feel like she's less important to me.  I'm not all wrapped-up in thought about her or therapy.

Now I know that I've said to her in the past, usually out of fear or frustration, that why can't our relationship be more like the one I have with my dentist?  But now that maybe it's starting to happen, I'm not sure I'm on board with it.

For example, part of this whole-life-changing-mid-life-crises-what-the-hell-am-I-thinking-buying-an-ice-cream-shop-and-moving-my-family-100-miles-away, has been the obvious realization that I will be quitting my job.  I've been working in this industry for over 20 years, and of course I'm sick of it, but it's how I make my living.  So although I knew I would quit my job, the hope was that I could somehow get laid off.  You see if I quit I can't collect unemployment if I ever need to, but if I get laid off, then I can. 

So a whole series of (strange) events led me to be in a position last week in which it would make sense for me to go in to HR and ask to get laid off.  I can't tell them I'm leaving to open an ice cream shop, so I needed a different justification for asking to be let go.  And much to my surprise, they agreed! Not only did they agree, but we're working out a 'seperation' package as well, which will my make me and my families life a bit easier, at least for awhile.

Anyway, it's a really long story, but after my conversation with HR I came back to my office and called my wife up.  She was also the only person I talked to before going to see HR.  It really was a whirlwind of events that led me to HR, and M was with me the whole way. 

But what was also interesting is that I didn't have a burning want (which always feels like a need) to reach and tell L.  And it's not that I was ticked with her or holding back on purpose, it just wasn't a driving force.  And for some reason I'm also not feeling particularly 'close' to her right now.  I'm sure some of it has to do with M and I and some things between the two of us that we've been dealing with.  And honestly that's all good.

I guess I'm not really sure what I'm saying.  Everything has been thrown up in the air and instead of feeling totally excited with all these good changes, I'm feeling a little........well I'm not quite sure.  I think there are about a 1,000 different words I could use.


  1. This all seems good and exciting. It makes sense that so much change at once also feels a bit scary. It certainly is a change that you don't crave contact with L at the moment. Interesting....

  2. Thanks Ellen, you're right,it is all good and exciting, and a little anxiety provoking all at the same time. As for the 'L-stuff' it does worry me a bit, I feel like I've lost something.

  3. To me it sounds incredibly healthy. Congrats on pursuing your dreams!!

  4. I wonder if part of how you feel is because your focus is being taken up by all the other stuff going on. It's great how everything worked out with HR!