I saw L yesterday for couples counseling. It actually went pretty well.
Actually, it went really well. Not only did M and I get some more stuff out on the table, and we both felt good, but my weird reaction to the whole L-M-me triangle was pretty much not there. I was fairly present for the entire time.
In fact at one point M asked me what I was thinking and feeling in regards to what we were talking about. She said it looked like I might shutting down, but I wasn't. And I was able to thoughtfully respond to what we were talking about and tell her the process that was going on in my head. She said she was very impressed that I stayed with it.
And I also didn't recoil and get lost in the dynamics that were going on in the room. It's sort of like being in a room with both your wife and your mistress, but I was ok with it. Or at least more ok than I've ever been.
So if it went so well, why is that not enough for me?
Do I not want to feel better? Am I hanging on to something? Or is there really other stuff to talk about, to uncover?
I sent her another rambly text this morning and her response made me angry.
Me: I guess I'm due, but I can't seem to rationalize the ache today. Doesn't make sense. Yesterday was good, and you weren't even mean to me. Ok so here's to hoping this rant makes me feel better (that sounded a little selfish)
L: Not selfish and I hope texting makes you feel better.
So why did her response make me angry you ask, I don't know. For some reason I was hearing 'Sure, go ahead and text, no skin off my nose'. Logically I'm pretty sure she wasn't saying that. I'm sure she just wanted to reassure me that it's ok to text, but for some reason I take it a different way.
My thoughts are swirling about and I was hoping that writing it out here would make it less fragmented in my head, but I'm not sure I was successful.