I had this quick text exchange from L today. It was after I had just left my session with her. The session was ok, nothing too deep, she's trying to get me to 'feel' or 'accept' that things are going pretty well in my life., and for some reason I can't, or I'm not willing to.
We talked alot about the shop and how it's going, and all the people I've met. We also talked about Denis Leary, and Sean Penn, and Peter Wolf!
But anyway here's the text and I'm not sure what I meant.....
Me: Needed more. More what? and why?
L: Not sure, willing to give more
Me: Thanks but I think I'm the one who's supposed to give more. Or maybe give-up something.
L: Good Thought
Wish I understood more of what I meant.
Great to see an update.
ReplyDeleteI think it's been hard for me to accept when things are going well in my life.
I have certain fallback "worries" that will cycle around when I have nothing urgent to obsess about.
So if my life is hectic and I'm worried about my job, or my health, or a personal issue with a friend, then my fallback worries tend to stay quiet...
But if things are going really well in my life, then my fallback worries emerge and I might start to obsess over something that I know isn't "real" but still feels very real. These are worries or fears that I've had since I was little, and they still are able to drag me down to this day.
Not sure if that is what you're going through, but I've found that when I realize this is just my mind playing its usual tricks on me, I've sometimes been able to actually enjoy my life a little bit!
Thanks Gniz. I've started to write a couple of updates but I never get time to finish them, so I thought at least this one would be down-and-dirty!
ReplyDeleteI sort of understand why I'm hesitant or maybe reluctant to completely feel happy, but there's some part of it that I don't get at all.
After I wrote that I maybe I need to give up something, I was wondering if it's somehow related to control, but I'm still not quite sure what that means.
Over the past 6 months my life has been all over the place, which in turn means my relationship with L has been all over the place. I've been toying with the idea of posting all the text messages we've exchanged over the past 6 months. I wonder if will help me.
And even though my life, and relationship with L has been ALL OVER the place, I am starting to get my footing in both places, and by all accounts things are going well, not perfect, but pretty good.
So why am I holding myself back? I used to go through periods of being manic, not too crazy, but mostly fun, and full of self-confidence and loving life, but for some reason I can't get myself into that same spot.
Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for L to do something which will allow me to be vulnerable with her, but I wonder if it's something that I need to do.
More crazy-aisle stuff.
So why am I holding myself back?
ReplyDeleteTo me, this is the key question. Sometimes the answer is more simple than we want to believe...such as, "because it's what I'm used to."
Good look with everything!
i have been talking with sharon this past week about "holding back" emotionally during therapy. it's been interesting. it came about because i saw a replacement therapist while she was on vacation in august and ended up crying non stop for each of the three, one hour replacement appointments. and i've never cried in front of sharon (despite seeing her for three years). is it because she, on some level, is a stand-in for my mom?? is it that i am afraid that she will turn away from my pain? my honesty? my confusion? i don't know... but we keep talking and i hope you will keep talking about your vulnerability with L, too.
ReplyDeleteThanks One Brave Duck, I think what you wrote has something to do with whats going on in my head. I 'enjoy' when allow myself to be somewhat vulnerable with L and I want more of that. Part of me is embarrassed by that, and I don't even know how to quantify it, although I do know what if feels like I just can't put it into words, which maybe adds to the shame, like it can't be real?
ReplyDeleteAnd for me, as suggested with her text response she's willing, but I can't stop 'holding back', and like you I don't know why.