Strange that I'm writing this, cause I actually don't want to write, sort of........clear as mud!
I saw L this morning and I'm not sure what was going on for me, but somewhere towards the end I simply started to retreat into myself. It wasn't really something that was talked about, or really how I was feeling going today, although I didn't take my coat off the whole time, all 90+ minutes. It's not unusual for me to start with my coat on, but usually after a bit of warm-up time I eventually take it off, but not today.
I really don't think I was bothered by anything in particular, and it was all pretty lite stuff that we discussed. And I wonder if that's what bothered me, it was too light?
After my session the other day I sent her this text:
Me: So it's happening again, maybe it's just the usual post-session hangover, but the ache/longing crap is back (did it ever leave?) and I don't know why. Said what I wanted to say, but now I can't figure out how to make it until Friday. Silly? Yes, but it doesn't make it less real. Gotta get a hobby.
L: Maybe we were not deep enough on issues for you today?
Me: Sometimes it feels like it will never be deep enough, but when I think about that too much it makes my head hurt! Like I'm chasing my tail. I think I just need to hydrate (maybe some choc milk to help the hangover)
L: That's what the experts say
BTW, the reference to choc milk was a brief discussion today on what cures a hangover!
So the other day I talked a lot, was open, and fairly pointed, at least by my standards. And when I do that I leave wanting more. Today, for no apparent reason I retreat and I'm not sure how I feel right now.
I think I'm a bit sad about it, like I lost some sort of opportunity, but I'm not totally overwhelmed by it.
Maybe I just need to stop analyzing myself so much?
She did ask if I was still affected by the whole 'house-thing', but I shook my head no, and honestly don't think I am.
I sometimes wonder if I don't want her to think I'm feeling ok because then she won't care.
Good thing normal wasn't my goal.....