Friday, February 10, 2012

Strange that I'm writing this, cause I actually don't want to write, sort of........clear as mud!

I saw L this morning and I'm not sure what was going on for me, but somewhere towards the end I simply started to retreat into myself.  It wasn't really something that was talked about, or really how I was feeling going today, although I didn't take my coat off the whole time, all 90+ minutes.  It's not unusual for me to start with my coat on, but usually after a bit of warm-up time I eventually take it off, but not today.

I really don't think I was bothered by anything in particular, and it was all pretty lite stuff that we discussed.  And I wonder if that's what bothered me, it was too light?

After my session the other day I sent her this text:

Me: So it's happening again, maybe it's just the usual post-session hangover, but the ache/longing crap is back (did it ever leave?) and I don't know why.  Said what I wanted to say, but now I can't figure out how to make it until Friday.  Silly?  Yes, but it doesn't make it less real.  Gotta get a hobby.

L:  Maybe we were not deep enough on issues for you today?

Me: Sometimes it feels like it will never be deep enough, but when I think about that too much it makes my head hurt!  Like I'm chasing my tail.  I think I just need to hydrate (maybe some choc milk to help the hangover)

L:  That's what the experts say

BTW, the reference to choc milk was a brief discussion today on what cures a hangover!

So the other day I talked a lot, was open, and fairly pointed, at least by my standards.  And when I do that I leave wanting more.  Today, for no apparent reason I retreat and I'm not sure how I feel right now.

I think I'm a bit sad about it, like I lost some sort of opportunity, but I'm not totally overwhelmed by it.

Maybe I just need to stop analyzing myself so much?

She did ask if I was still affected by the whole 'house-thing', but I shook my head no, and honestly don't think I am. 

I sometimes wonder if I don't want her to think I'm feeling ok because then she won't care.

Good thing normal wasn't my goal.....

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