The past weekend I couldn't shake the feeling of being concerned about L offering us her house. I was so afraid that she had crossed a line that she really shouldn't have. I was worried that it would turn out that this wasn't a 'safe' relationship for me. After stewing about it Friday night and most of the day on Saturday, I sent her this text Saturday afternoon:
Me: You can't get all weird on me, ok? That's my job.
she replied with:
L: Ok, I won't
then followed by:
L: I don't think that's your job anymore, at least not your full time job
Yesterday was couples therapy, or at least it was supposed to be.
I was on my way when M called to tell me her car battery was dead, and asked if I could come pick her up. Normally I would have been able to, but I had left work early so I could do some pre-Valentines shopping before our session, so I didn't get M's message until I was near L's office. But M had also called triple-A, and the hope was they could come jump her car and she would just be a little late to L's. So I went solo
I wasn't prepared. Normally I just try and survive couple's therapy. But it's hard to avoid the spotlight in couple's therapy if you're the only one there....
I'm scared. I'm scared of my own feelings and the intensity. What if they're unhealthy? What if L is trying to foster an unhealthy relationship.
I've very vigilant (some may say judgemental) about getting a 'sense' about people. I typically come from a stance that people can't be trusted, sort of like 'guilty until proven innocent'. I'm sure it's probably not fair, but it is what it is, and I'm not willing to change. Although I am more aware of it, so I try to give people more of the benefit of the doubt, but I'm not always successful with that.
I'm also aware that a lot of my distrust comes from my past, and my instincts are influenced by certain events.
L and I talked it through, or atleast as much I could at the time, and I mostly feel better, but not completely. And at the same time I still want to be even more open with her. That is very different for me. Although I'm still not sure if that's good or bad.
There's more I really want to write, but I'm retreating a bit. I think I'm just trying to find my footing again.