Tuesday, April 3, 2012

I'm still not feeling connected to L.  Saw her this morning and I didn't say much, and even the things I did talk about weren't really in depth; I could have talked about them with anyone.

I was very tired though.  Lately I've been going to bed exhausted, falling asleep, and then wake up around 1:00/2:00am and then I can't get back to sleep, too much thinking going on.  I'm assuming that's why L didn't push me for much, again.  I guess I want her to push, it means she cares (yes, I know how twisted that thinking is).

A good friend died the other day and her funeral was yesterday.  I felt a little 'spacey' yesterday.  I think death and funerals do that to me.  It's just that it takes me a long time to process it.  It's so weird that one day someone can be talking to you, and the next day they're gone.

The surrealness of the whole day was enhanced because my friend was no longer in my day-to-day life as she once was, and the people who were her friends and family are no longer in my day-to-day life, as they once were. They were all part of a life that I once had, almost 20 years ago, with my first partner..  That relationship ended badly, and because I was the one that ended it, many of our mutual friends (and even some of my own family) chose to 'side' with my ex.  For some reason people feel the need to make a choice on 'who was right', but not T, my friend who died.  She stayed friends with me (and my ex) and supported me the whole time.  She was the one strong link that I had to my old life.

As sad, and as wrong as yesterday was, it was good to see some old friends, but it certainly gets a person thinking about their own immortality. 

M finally has a date for surgery.  She will have her thyroid removed on April 20th.  I'm glad we finally can start moving forward, as scary as it all seems.  She is feeling pretty well, but of course she's nervous about the surgery.  Because the surgeon is also a plastic surgeon she asked him if he could do a face lift while he was in there!!!  He said no, but he'll do a good job hiding the scar.

I have this strange want/need to text L and tell her that I want to talk a break from therapy.  The only thing that stopping me is I also know that's not what I really want.  What the hell is going on?  Although it makes sense that maybe I'm feeling distant from because I'm moving, but it doesn't 'feel' like the reason.  I'm still very saddened by this, like I've lost something.  I've lost the connection to her and I'm not working to get it back.  Why?  Do I just assume that it's gone for good? 

I know this is all over the place, but I guess that's how I feel.  And there's so much more I could whine about, but I'm too tired right now.

Oh, I forgot, things with the ice cream shop are moving along.  Spent the whole weekend painting the shop with the help of some friends.  Looking good, but still more to go.  Also met with a payroll processing company, former shop manager, web site designer, and paper/plastic supplier.  It's amazing how things you have to do to open a business.  And don't get me started on credit card processing companies.  I think they try extra hard to make it confusing.

It's also my last week of week, finally.  Although I feel really bad about leaving my team, I am happy that we're finally doing this.  It's still scary and exciting all at the same time


  1. I read this post the other day (and apologize for not commenting sooner).

    I'm very sorry you lost your friend - I know the thought process that goes on when we lost loved ones. I'm so glad she stayed with you though, through the break up with your ex. That is a true friend!

    I'm so glad things are going well with the ice cream shop - I shall have a scoop in no time! I went to a local ice cream shop the other day with my friend and thought of you - I can't wait to see how it all goes!

    Have you spoken with L about the disconnect? To let her know you want to cancel, but you want to stay - and can't figure out what's going on there? I don't know what it is, but I have felt that - and force myself to go. I know that I don't really want to cancel, I just want the thinking/wondering, etc to continue taking over my mind.

    Thinking of you and hoping you are well!

  2. I'm really sorry for the loss of your close friend. I hope you will be able to figure out the disconnect with L. You have a lot going on for sure! I also hope in all this you will be able to get the rest you need.

  3. Just stopping in to let you know you're being thought about ... that's all :0)

    1. Thanks for checking on me Manda! I'm doing ok, just a little crazy and a lot of stress!! I'll try to blog this weekend.

      I hope you're doing ok too!