Maybe I am getting better, slowly of course, at this whole talking-relationship stuff.
On the drive to L's yesterday I knew (consciously) that there were 2 issues I wanted to talk about. I certainly needed to bring up the thing about L letting us use her vacation home if we got into a bind. Although I know I 'needed' to, I definitely didn't 'want' to. I just want the whole therapy-thing to feel like a normal relationship, whatever that means of course. So if a friend offered to lend us their house I would just want to be appreciative and certainly keep it open as an option. But with L 'normal' never plays into the relationship (at least in my mind).
But I also knew I needed (not wanted) to talk about stuff that was going on at home, things that M and I are dealing with right now, and how I'm perceiving things. Because I'm letting it all fester in my head I'm getting angrier and angrier at M, and she doesn't even know it.
The first thing L asks me when I sit down (coat still on of course) is how was my anxiety over the weekend. Her asking me this made me think that she knew I was somehow bothered about the house-thing and this was her way of asking. But the funny thing is, I didn't have anxiety over it. I mean it bothered me, but normally (there's that word again) something like that would send me into a tailspin, I would be lost in thought and removed until the next time I saw her. But that didn't happen, in fact I got alot done this past weekend and even enjoyed a Super Bowl party at my brother's house.
So instead of taking her lead, I started with the stuff that has been happening at home. It's been very stressful, all this life changing stuff, and sometimes M and I aren't on the same page. So instead of talking to her about it over the weekend, I just tried to stuff it down/avoid/keep myself busy. But I know I could feel myself getting resentful.
We talked about that for quite some time.
But then I started to become aware of the time. We usually meet for 90 minutes, and you would think that would be more than enough time for me, but I waste too much of it, so it's never enough.
I knew I had to say something, so I started to, in my usual round-about way. It's not often that I start talking about something right away. Usual I have to have some sort of starter-story, and this time was no different. I first start with making her promise that she couldn't say anything, she couldn't take back anything she said, she couldn't try and make me feel better. Nothing. And trust, it's VERY difficult for L not to say anything.
She promised she wouldn't say a word. She even sat on her hands!
And I just blurted it out.
I said that I had sort of been bothered by the whole house-lending-thing last Friday. She broke her promise and said 'I figured that would bother you'. I then chastised her for talking and responding that yes it did bother me, but it didn't overwhelm like it normally would have.
I told her about the dream I had with her son. In the dream her son didn't know we were renting the place, so he was surprised to find us there when he showed up over the weekend. I introduced myself and said something like "it's so like your mother to forget to tell you". He agreed so we came us with an idea to line up a bunch of beer bottles and he took a picture with his phone and sent it to L, and telling her that there were people partying up at her place!
After hearing the dream, L laughed and said that would be something her son would definitely do!
I then shared with her what I was thinking as it related to my first T and her dumping me shortly after coming to my wedding. L just listen and nodded in agreement. She understood more.
I continued to ramble for a bit, and she tried not to say anything, and she was semi-successful with that. She said that she's not taking the offer back, and if in fact we do want to use her place for a while the lines will be very clear. Her son is the one in fact who handles all the bills/rentals for that place, so we would just deal with him.
She said she's just trying to show me, as she usual does, what a good, supportive, 'real' relationship looks like. And I know that. She has been constant in her support of me, and yes our relationship is a bit unorthodox from a therapeutic relationship, but I'm confident it's been, and will continue to be good for me.
I've had 4 therapist in between my first T (the one that crushed me) and L. The 4 therapists were good, but just not right for me. I need more. Now maybe that's wrong, but I have made more progress in the 2 years that I've been seeing L than all the time with my previous T's combined.
At the end I told her that I was a bit mad at her. Next time I question the 'realness' of the relationship, I'm gonna have a tough time with it. I won't be able to believe that I'm just a co-pay to her.