Left feeling 'Fu$% you'. Not really out of anger, more out of resolute. Makes no sense, yet maybe it does make sense?
She wanted me to agree to a game plan, and externally I nodded in agreement, but inside I was making a promise to myself 'There's no way in hell you are going to do that'.
She wants me to try and put words to what is going on. She wants me to text, or better yet (those were her words) call her when it's happening so we can try and talk it through, try and figure out what's going on. She said there weren't any rules around this either, I could call whenever, weekends, nights, anytime I wanted. She reiterated the 'game plan' again at the end, and I nodded, but thinking otherwise.
I want to hate her, and I want her to pull me close, all at the same time. It's like I'm making up a reason to be angry with her. She continues to fight for me, even though I push her, I shut down, I question everything, including her intentions. Yet instead of walking away, she tells me to reach out to her more.
And of course, as much as I hate to admit it, I see me as a 15 year old girl, and me reacting to my mother.
It's fucked up, and it's getting better all at the same time.
It is definitely tough, but you are working through it in such a strong way. You are still going and still moving and although you feel this way about it right now, you will fall into a routine and it will become comfortable. I asked my t once how to get past the uncomfortable with her "being so nice" and she said to go home and to try not to analyze our dynamic, to just let myself take in the caring. I will give you the same advice. Try to just let her caring be caring. Try not to overthink it.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and hoping that you're feeling better about this now, seeing that you wrote this on Friday. Take good care.