Friday, January 6, 2012

I can't believe it, but I actually read my last post to L.  It took a while, lucky for me my sessions are 90 minutes, cause it took me until about minute 89 before I started reading, out loud. And to be honest, I couldn't read the whole thing to her, it's just too embarrassing.  But I did read the first 5 or so paragraphs to her, I stopped where I started writing about the update on the ice cream shop.

And it's now about 6 hours later, and I haven't died of embarrassment.....yet.

I worry that I talk too much about attachment and our relationship and how I feel about her.  But she says No, we don't.  I mention it, and it may be running around my head all the time, and I may constantly blog about it, but she says I have to take it to the next level.  I need to have in depth conversations with her.  Man that sound scary. 

After I read it to her, she made me feel all normal (or mostly normal) about it.  She said given my history, this is what I need to do.  She also said that she's glad she's in my head, in fact she continues to impose herself on me.  She wants me to hear her supportive voice.  And she said that the need and want is so strong right now because she's the only one I've ever let in.  So of course it's strong, but as I continue going through this process I will allow others in so I won't always rely on her.

It's so strange that this process of opening up an ice cream shop has affected me in so many ways.  The most noticeable one for me is how I'm connecting with so many people.  Not only am I opening up to a few people that are already in my life, but I'm expanding my base as well.  I am having a great time talking with dealers, and owners, and vendors, and realtors about the whole ice cream business.  It's great mix because who doesn't love ice cream?!! But also there's a business side to it that challenges me.

With friends I'm changing.  I'm lucky to have a pretty quick, and sarcastic wit, so that's usually the way I 'bond' with people.  But somehow, this conversation around my life-long dream of opening an ice cream shop has really given me reason to have deeper conversations with people.  I guess it's difficult to have 'life-long dream' conversations and not getting to another level of connection with people.

So all-in-all a pretty good session.....although I'd never tell L that!!!

I actually did text her when I got to work:

Me:  Seriously? Impose yourself??  I think that's illegal in a few states.


  1. He he...funny text.

    I like L's explanation of your strong feelings towards her - that she's the first person you've ever let in. It makes a lot of sense.

  2. So glad that your session went well today! And even more, that you read your post to her and discussed your relationship/dynamic. Good for you!

    It's amazing how many people we meet while doing something different - so glad you're meeting new people too.

  3. Thank you for this post - i learned something about what's going on with me and my therapist.

    p.s. i thought the text was funny too! :)

  4. I think it's great you were able to read your post to her. I get the embarrassment thing. I know I've read a few things to my former t and I'm sure I've raced through the reading or stuttered.

    It makes sense to me how what you feel is so strong because she's the only one. I never thought of it that way before.

  5. Thanks everyone, your comments and support means a lot to me!

    This weekend I felt some shifts in my thinking/feelings towards L and therapy in general. Hopefully they're real, they'll last, and I'm not trying to fool myself.

    I guess only time will tell. And one thing I've learned is nothing stays the same!!! And that goes for the good stuff and the bad stuff!